Why do I need a therapist?

OK, if you’re a regular reader of this blog chances are I don’t need to answer this question. In fact, you may have written me a lovely and thoughtful note suggesting I seek help in the past (yes, I’ve gotten those). To them I say, “You’re the one who needs help, only a crazy person would suggest that someone they don’t know should seek therapy. Which is why it is clear that YOU are the one who should be seeking therapy.”

Anyhow, I’m in the market for a therapist. Yes, every once in a while I like to sit on some random stranger’s couch and tell them about my childhood, my fears of failure, and my anxiety.

Sadly, most random strangers don’t want to hear that shit, plus they wonder how I got into their home, and why I keep begging them to take notes on what I’m saying. “This shit is important, that’s why. Now where are you’re degrees, I need to make sure you went to a reputable college.”

It appears the only people that are willing to listen to me talk ad nauseam about parenting anxiousness, and my OCD are licensed therapists who require payment, oh and you guys (my readers) who so far haven’t asked for reimbursement (thank you).

I think one of the main indicators I need therapy is how hard it is for me to find a therapist in the first place. There is a myriad of reasons I don’t want to see any of the people I’ve found.

1. Availability. There’s a rule which states that If you are available to see us, we have no interest in seeing you. Fine, I made the rule up, but I think we all can agree that it’s derived from sound logic. Look, I’ve been given multiple names of “great” therapists, but they’re all booked. Which is clearly a sign that they must be great. Like shoes, which aren’t great until someone else picks them up and wants to buy them. So now I’m on the second round of referrals, but the problem with these people is, they seem to be incredibly flexible (in terms of scheduling, I don’t know if they’re flexible in other ways, though I intend on asking during the phone interview).  Sadly, their being able to see me is a huge indicator that they’re not the caliber of therapist I need. Therefore they are OFF my list!
2. Everyone’s a hypnotist. I have an aversion to anyone who practices hypnosis (which many do these days). Look, I get it you can make me quit some horrible habit (and let’s be honest, I have plenty bad habits). Maybe you can do some regression into my childhood to see why I blame my lack of ambition on so and so or my terrifying fear of forks touching spoons on such and such, but mostly I’m pretty certain your going to use hypnotic suggestions to hornswoggle me into getting you Starbucks on the way to my appointments. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I will not be hornswoggled,” and frankly, I don’t have time to run Starbucks to your office in the morning, so you are OFF my list!
3. I know what you did last summer!!! Don’t think I didn’t look you up on Facebook and Instagram and now my retinas have been seared by visions of you and your very graying chest hair, tanning on the beach with the fam in a Speedo. A freakin’ Speedo! Did you ever think to make your FB pics private? Did you have to make that one your cover? See once I’ve seen you in a Speedo or some other too personal pic, I can never UN-see it. You are OFF my list!
4. You live too close. If I tell you about the irrational illogical fears I have and the horrific images I see when I should be happily enjoying myself at say, a beach or something, I don’t want to see you at my grocery store in the produce aisle so you can look at me as if I might be afraid of the grapes (especially considering grapes are creepy and evil and everyone knows that). So, you are OFF my list!
5. You work too far. I’m sorry, but I rarely travel beyond a 15 mile radius of my home (and that’s generous). I only have so many hours, nay minutes, before the kids get back from school and every one of them is precious (the minute, I mean), which is why I can’t spend them in a car getting to you and coming from seeing you.  That is “do work at the office” (AKA anywhere there’s WiFi) time — dry cleaning, car washing, exercising, laundry doing, manicure getting, cleaning up after animals, WWF playing, Facebook stalking… time, and it is priceless. I don’t care if you went to Harvard and cured the President of a fear of speaking in public, you must work close or you’re OFF the list!

And so, after weeks of searching I have found no one to therapize me. Which sucks because I’m really off my rocker. That said, it’s not my fault, there just isn’t anyone to choose from.