Seriously, if I have to see another weight loss article with excess alliteration in the title and a list of daunting tips and suggestions that no busy woman has the time nor organizational skills to tackle, I’m going to vomit: Re-Modeling your Muffin Top, 600 Ways to Whittle Your Waistline, How to Teach Your Tummy Taut.
We all know HOW to get rid of the fat, and you don’t need to be some kind of gut guru or stomach swami to realize the solution is this: Put down the donut. Go to the gym. Be less stressed and get more sleep.
There. I’ve just told you everything weight loss secret you’ll need to get skinny and svelte.
You’re welcome.
So what are you waiting for?
Have you lost any yet?
No?
How about now?
Still no?
Sheesh, you’re lazy!
Oh, right, you have a life and you’re busy. What, you work, you have kids, and they have busy lives too?
What a bunch of complainers!
Yes, we can cut back on carbs and get in what exercise we can, but this is no small undertaking and I find it pretty discouraging when articles treat major alterations in our daily lives like they’re simple equations and can be casually manipulated at whim. So, with that in mind, here are some ideas I have about Taming your Tummy. But before we start, let’s put down the Bear Claw, shall we?
- SPANX SQUARED (sure that’s the name of the brand Sponge Bob’s wife would wear, but I simply mean this): Wear Spanx – ahem – double Spanx. You may have an excruciating belly ache, but your tummy will be flat and so will your appetite, as the violent stomach cramping will make you less likely to eat.
- HANG WITH HEAVIES: Find people who are at least 50 pounds heavier than you and make them your new besties. Just don’t show them this article. Oh, and bake them tons of cookies, so you don’t have to find new friends again.
- START TRENDS: Become obsessed with stripes and dark clothing. Even if your friends think you look like a cross between Where’s Waldo and Richard Lewis, the results will be slimming and if the stripes are tight enough, possibly disorienting. Either way, you’ll look thinner — goal accomplished.
- COLOR COORDINATE YOUR INTAKE: Only eat foods that are purple. Look, there aren’t that many purple foods, so short of barbecuing Barney, I think this is fool proof. Oh, and when it does work, see how many friends jump aboard the “PURPLE PLAN,” look out Atkins… and Barney.
- HELP THE SICK: Bring them soup, keep them company, play board games with them… and give them a big ol’ hug. Of course, I’m speaking strictly of those with violent stomach viruses. Sure, helping the non stomach virus sick people could make you feel good, but ask yourself an important questions: How much time do you really have to help the sick people that WON’T help you lose weight?
- TELL EVERYONE ELSE AND YOURSELF TO CHILL: Seriously, the pressure we put on ourselves is the number one road block to accomplishing our goals. Take a deep breath, close the magazine/browser, give the hubby a surprise schtup, try not to eat off your kids’ plates and take the stairs instead of the elevator. Your psyche, hubby, kids, and elevator operator will thank you.
Related Posts For SmartBeautyGuide.com where I give tackleable tips (with a bit of snark):