Cable Co: Ma’am, I’m soooo very sorry that we’ve been charging you for an extra TV receiver. And the time that we never cancelled an old receiver and continued to charge you for it… Oh and also, for the time we charged you for a brand new receiver and a plan that you didn’t order.

Me: Yes, that was really sucky of you.

Cable Co: Oh, and I see this is the 3rd time you’ve called about this since February and the person that helped you did make a notation, but never actually removed the charges from your bill or the billing for that extra receiver that you don’t own or even have a TV to hook up to. That shouldn’t have happened.

Me: No, that seems like bad business.

Cable Co: Not only am I going to credit you for that receiver that you never used and spent your work time calling us about, but I’m going to send a note to the person that helped you, or should I say didn’t help you, *snicker snicker* back in February, and one to his supervisor.

Me: Yeah, I’m not so big on vengeance but, there must be something you give someone after they’ve logged 20 hours on the phone with you guys. Like a party, or a plaque, or a paycheck … a free NFL package?

Cable Co: Yes, sometimes we do stuff like that and I feel your frustration. Let me seeeeee. No free season. Hmmmmm. Here we go, I can get you $5 off your next bill if you sign up for autopay.

Me: I feel like you don’t truly feel my frustration, here.

Cable Co: Let me transfer you to Retention. I’m sure they can do something for you.

Retention: Ah yes, that’s incredibly inconvenient. I’m sorry you’ve had to call in so many times on this and that there was fraud. I assure you we will investigate those calls that came in from California, and Oregon that are on the account! I can’t give you any credits or anything, but if you fill out a fraud report and allow me to transfer you to that department, you can go over everything you just told me — with them. Then we can get the paperwork started to catch those crooks.

Me: Sir, The last thing that is humanly possible is for me to tell this story one more time.

Retention: Well, ma’am, that’s really the only way we can get to the bottom of this.

Does it not feel like I’m in an episode of Scooby Doo? I get the feeling that when CSI-DTV catches them by dusting phone lines for voice prints, those crooks will say something like, “If it wasn’t for those medaling kids and their mangy mutt, we would have gotten away with adding that receiver to Jenny’s bill. FOILED AGAIN.”

Me: Joe Hardy, though I’m happy to hear you’ll leave no stone unturned … wait was Joe the one who was played by Shaun Cassidy? Do you recall?

Retention: Huh?

Me: Frankly, I always had a thing for Shaun Cassidy, he made me want to change my name to Jill, for obvious reasons. But, I think as I got older I realized Parker Stevenson was the more attractive one. Don’t you think?

Retenion: Wha? Who?

Me: Well, he was really hot on Baywatch. I think you would agreed that he came into his own on that show.

Retention: Baywatch, Ma’am?

Me: Oh, you’re probably too young for Baywatch … but you would’ve enjoyed Nicole Eggert, everyone did. She got a bit chunky with age (damn metabolism). I think she did a stint on Celebrity Fit Club.  Maybe you saw it? Still a really cute girl. Not as cute as she was on Charles in Charge? But who of the Cn’C cast really is?  Willy Aames? Haw haw haw haw, I think not. Of course, he was also on Celebrity Fit Club. So if you watch that show, I feel we’re on the same page here. Though, to be fair he was only really hot when he was on Eight is Enough. Oh and in that movie, Zapped. Remember that one?

Retention: Ma’am I’m working, does any of this have to do with your account?

Me: No. I’m sorry, is your time valuable? Because, as it turns out, I too was working – the multiple times I had to stop and call your company and NONE of these Direct TV issues have anything to do with my work (until now, because I just wrote about it … 2 of my 20 phone hours, salvaged).

Hmmmm, maybe I’m bigger on vengeance than I thought.