On Monday morning you should stay further away from me than that divider bar.
Usually in a checkout line, I know the girl at the register. I know where she is from, what she is doing for the holidays and possibly even her stance on gay marriage. By the time I hit the register at Starbucks, the barista has my coffee sitting on the counter with Jenny from the blog, scribbled on it. I mention this, because I am usually friendly and up for chit chat, witty banter, or a bit of repartee that probably annoys the people behind me in line.
However, as I discovered at Whole Foods on Monday, I have some deep-seated aggression. Apparently, if you are too chipper on a Monday morning, and I am in a rush, I may or may not punch you in the throat (or at the very least, threaten to do so).
All of this started when the jolly man in front of me finished chatting up the patron before him. He then turned to me in a “jovial friend to all” mode and quipped, “Hello, may I put this divider down so that you can place your food on the belt? *chuckle…chuckle* That way our food won’t fight.”
My sarcastic response: “Your food wouldn’t be that stupid… I mean, my food could kick your food’s ass.”
His good spirited response: “Well you did buy a lot of organic. You might be right.”
I guess organic food is stronger than the over-processed unnatural stuff, who knew?
Then in a surprise twist, I said this: “If my food doesn’t do the job, I will take you down myself.”
I know, I wasn’t expecting it either. I’ve never even pulled someone’s hair let alone considered “taking someone down.”
The man was also not expecting said response and looked at me in way that said I’m not only horrified by your cruel attitude, but I am saddened that my attempts at small talk were foiled.
Yes, as a witty banterer myself, I know that part of the joy is simply hearing yourself talk and feeling that you’ve somehow made someone’s day better. It’s true. Witty banterers are also uncontrollable narcissists.
Translation: Less talky more swipey, okay there buddy?
It’s Monday, I’m in a rush, and worst of all I am about to spend $159.55 on oranges, an avocado, a piece of Chilean sea bass, a bag of nuts, and 3 grapes.I have every right to be bitter and impatient.
It gets worse… See what happened on the ride home HERE>
At least you didn’t say “I will cut you”? It totally could have been worse. And, based on that performance, you might starting getting a lot more respect around Whole Foods (as long as you can ignore the “THAT lady is back, let’s move her along” whispers between the employees).
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I am a witty banterer too, but I totally get your suppressed rage after spending all those $$$ at whole foods, the worlds most overpriced Grocery store that we all shop at because we can’t help ourselves.
Eh, these things happen. A lot. Often to me – the food fight discussion was funny.
Well you coulda said, if I had a vega-matic I’d slice the hell outta your tomatoes! Actually, I think is what zanax was made for.
One year into early menopause I have learned an important lesson: grunt first. Sometimes even nice things come out sounding crappy and a grunt will give you a chance to filter. If the filter review suggests you keep your mouth shut, then the grunt was sufficient and you don’t have to take the chance of opening your mouth again and shredding some dumbass into ribbons.
Perhaps the plastic divider felt like a call to arms? It also strikes me that few people in Whole Foods would have a conceal-carry, so at least your life wasn’t in danger. Now Walmart would be a different story…
Very funny post! I’m a witty banterer (is that a word?) in every part of my life BUT the checkout line. Nothing is more uninspiring than listening to the “canned” greeting from a grocery store clerk or even the Starbucks Barista (and I LOVE Starbucks!). I have yet to turn to the dark side but maybe just maybe your post has inspired me….