Fifty Shades of Why Can’t I Put this Trashy Book Down?

WARNING: This post is for peeps reading the Fifty Shades series of “adult” novels… it is most certainly not for my parents my in-laws or anyone who does not want to hear me talk about sex!  Just sayin’.
Fifty Shades of WTF?

Ok, so I’m on the  bandwagon.  Yes, you people with all your oohing and ahhhing and “Oh, Mr. Grey-ing.”  And your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium – have got me reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  Here’s what I have realized from reading the first two installments of the Fifty series:  I may start calling my vagina “my sex,” I find the sound of ripping foil erotic, and I don’t have a very hot sex life!   I think I’ve actually blushed while reading, and I’m not an easy blusher.
Let me qualify where I’m coming from; the last book series’s I read were, The Hunger Games, Twilight, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings.  So, it’s safe to assume that my psyche is stuck in the young adult section.  You know, where the most erotic moment was when a werewolf stole a kiss from a vampire’s girlfriend? Don’t get me wrong, the tent scene in Eclipse was hot and I do have a small crush on Taylor Lautner, who was most recently in my living room looking like this:

Makes my crush super embarassing, I know.
But, on to Grey.  The first night I started reading, I literally laughed through the writer’s vain attempt at being overly astute.  You know, the way Dawson’s Creek was, except on Dawson’s Creek it worked. ( I still love you Pacey.)  Sorry, where was I?  Right.  Her attempt to cover smut with SAT words.
By day 2, I’d gotten over the fact that the writing was indulgent and she was using the word “there” in italics, as in down there.  Oh my.  Yes, I was truly enjoying the read and here’s why:  This is just an adult version of all the young adult fantasy books I’ve been reading.  Yep, Christian Gray may as well be a vampire.  And frankly, he’s about as likely to exist.
This is every girls fantasy – before she’s been out into the real world, or after she’s been in the real world too long, ahem, enter Generation X’ers, like me.
Every woman wants a man who’s young, rich, hotter than hell, that hangs on her every word and wants to lavish her with expensive dates, goodies, a personal trainer and incredible sex.  She wants a guy to take control what she orders and protect her from gun wielding exes and anorexia.  – Well, something like that.

Like Edward, Christian Gray is a total stalker and like Edward he gets away with it ’cause he’s wealthy, and a total babe with six pack abs.  Like Edward, Christian makes me rethink my marriage and causes me to ask my husband why he isn’t more thoughtful, attentive, loving, and obsessed with me?

Well, be warned – like Santa Claus, there are no young hot billionaires that make a hundred thousand an hour, barely work, have erotic sex, do things like take you to follow the sun, and make it a point that you will never be cold, hungry, or un-swathed in designer duds.

To be fair, men will never meet a girl who goes from a virgin to a sex starved, multiple orgasm having, spanking liking sex slave who’s uncomfortable with you spending money on her!  Like mermaids, the tooth fairy, and non lesbian softball coaches: THEY DO NOT EXIST.

Nor do unassisted penetration only orgasms.
Frankly, I know a girl who’s claimed to have such powers and I can’t say that I can confirm them, as I’ve thankfully not been present to see them manifest.  Furthermore, you can call me a cynic but the multiple orgasm, nipple pulling educed and penetration only orgasms that Anastasia has are fodder for folklore.  Well, folklore to be told on a porn site.

Don’t get me wrong, Mr Grey is a good lover, there’s teasing and withholding and build up and multiple orgasms.
It’s just that “teasing” in my house is when my husband tells me he’s going to brush his teeth first, and then doesn’t.
“Build-up” for us is more like a few minutes into the deed when the dirty talk starts and it goes something like this:
Me: “wait, wait, don’t.  Not  yet, not quite yet.”
Hubby: “ok, I’ll wait”
Me: “One more sec, almost.  I’m almost…”
Hubby: “Oops.”

And a “multiple orgasm” is defined as getting to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills afterward without any interruption.

Ok, so I don’t have quite the sex life that Anastasia, her inner goddess, her subconscious, and her hotty have.  Oh my.
Maybe that’s why I can’t put these books down.  I love a good fantasy.  I also love the witty emails they send to each other.  Hmm wit induced orgasms, now there’s something I can wrap my legs around.

By the way, I recently learned (after writing this piece) that these books were originally fan fic, written for the lovers of the Twilight series.  Christian was originally named Edward Cullen and Anastasia was, you guessed it, Bella.  That’s possibly another reason so many of us can’t put the series down.  We have an inherent connection to the characters and may not even know it.

PS- if you know anyone reading the book feel free to share it with them.

30 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Why Can’t I Put this Trashy Book Down?”

  1. aammyyss

    Very funny. Grey was Edward. As you may know this was a twilight fan fiction called Master of the Universe. Only the names were changed for the book release.

  2. Wendy

    Hey, you’re reading a book so you’re already one up on a lot of people I know and may I just say thankyouthankyouthankyou from authors everywhere.

  3. aammyyss

    Basically, this was a very long fanfic story starring Bella and Edward that garnered 50,000 plus reviews. It was hugely successful in that world and it was picked up by a publisher for original release. There are a millions stories in that world, and the original and growing – getting mainstream – popularity of this one proves that there is something that stands out from the crowd based EL James additions, but the original characters were from twilight, so it’s more than coincidence that they feel familiar. there’s a whole lot of chatter on the amazon review, or check out these two links for more detail:
    a fanfic fangirl review:

    http://www.popculturejunkie.net/profiles/blogs/master-of-the-universe

    (scroll down to the bottom of this link to get to this topic)

    http://www.heroesandheartbreakers.com/blogs/2012/01/fifty-shades-of-grey-h-and-hs-reactions

  5. Jamie

    I’M ON BOOK 3 (shouty caps)…love that softball coach analysis…nope, no one like Grey exists! Edward…hmmmm…you’re on to something! And, you’re wittier than Ana! though!

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Please don’t use SHOUTY CAPS at me. I get your point. Plus I like to think I’m wittier that her too, but she has a mean multiple orgasm! I prefer to move on to the next thing like cleaning up around the house, watching tivo, playing words with friends, reading trashy novels about other people’s sex lives…

  6. Rai

    What what what?! I have been wishing good sexy books existed for FOREVER (have you read any “romance novel” shit? ugh.) and you are telling me THEY DO???

    I must read this immediately!

  7. Linda

    The thing about your slightly condescending, acerbic and obviously jealous comments are that they are all true!!! You are so funny. It is worth reading the series just to be able to understand your references.

  9. Kelle

    Wonderful Blog! I’m wondering if you can clear a few things up for me about Fifty Shades of Grey. One, if it’s a series, what’s the first book I’m looking for? Is that the title of the first book? And two, the sites I find selling this book has $100 to $500 as the price. Is this book really that expensive or am I looking at something wrong?

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      It is the name of the first and if anyone wants that much it must be for a handwritten copy! Go to Amazon or BnN! and Enjoy. I mean, you’ll feel guilty enjoying it, but you’ll still enjoy!

  10. Wendy

    I am not into BDSM stories, but I have to say that I really loved “Fifty Shades of Grey”. This was one of those books that keeps you glued to the pages; staying up reading into the early morning. I found it to be very addicting which is really disturbing for me.

    This is the love story of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Christian is such a complex character. You love him and hate him at the same time and it’s really confusing. He’s the ultimate alpha male, bad boy with a very dark and disturbing desire to inflict pain. He literally gets off on it. He meets and falls for Anastasia.

  11. Anita

    I love your tip pieces. They crack me up and I want my puffy sticker collection back too!!! I had the fuzzy lips and the flower.

  12. Eveline

    It’s so funny. Everyone says they have better sec with their jusbands when they’re reading this book. But it actually makes us fight. I just wna to know why he can’t be Christian???

  13. Adriana

    I couldn’t put the books down either. I would literally put my kids to bed early so that I could get back to them. I mean, did I say that?

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  15. Michelle

    Eveline, have you tried giving hints, stik-it notes or emails to your husband, telling him what Christian is actually doing to Anastasia? Your sex life (sorry- sec life) might improve if you gave poor hubby a clue what is now expected of our poor unsuspecting husbands. Ok, we’re not actually expecting helicopter flights for supper in Paris, but I did actually stand at a restaurant door the other night waiting for my husband to gallantly open it for me…. but having forgotten to forewarn him of his new expected levels of gallantry he stood there looking at me, saying “Go on! I’m freezing my nuts off here” (He’s/we’re British in case you’re not familiar with that expression. BUT which means he should have in-built gallantry genes and should know better!) … 😀

  16. Jamilah

    Oh my! I couldn’t stop laughing while reading this post! It is so right on! After asking my husband — ” when was the last time we did anything romantic?”… he says, “you know… between your Shades of Grey, your period, and watching The Vow — this is just not a fun week!”… oh my poor husband… I read the book a couple weeks ago — took me 6 days to finish all three books… so what if the house was a wreck and I didn’t cook all week… or sleep for that matter….
    Thanks for this awesome post! Love it!

  17. DVG

    OMG – that is hilarious! I swear; that last paragraph about “wait wait”…well, that’s my life lately….SO FUNNY AND SO TRUE!

  18. Sarai Ramnani

    I knew there was something about the book that made it addicting! You’re hilarious and right on the money, but I’m one of those girls who hasn’t experienced the real world yet. :/ My friend chose the trilogy by accident, not realizing it said “erotic romance” on the back in small print, she read the first book, and then cruelly suggested it to me. I read it. I was obssessed. I do feel the need to point out that Christian Grey does exist—as my neighbor down the street. Personality wise, anyway. 😀 So I gave the book to him and told him that Grey reminded me of him, which became awkward a more than a few times when it came to the sex scenes. But, yeah, the book is basically printed porn. I think Ana is cuter than Bella tho and Grey has more character than Edward.

  19. Sarai Ramnani

    Also, as a tip, this is a terrible book to read in your Honors English class, especially if you don’t know the book is so mainstream. Otherwise, your teacher, who is well past HIS prime, might recognize it as he has read it before, and raise his eyebrow and say, “I wouldn’t think Fifty Shades would be within your ball park.” I didn’t blush when I read the book, but I sure as hell blushed when he said that! lmao

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