Just to be clear, I didn’t get a new column because Oscar built a meth lab, and frankly, Oscar didn’t build a meth lab because I got a new column. Though, I’d like to narcissistically think that my writing could have such an insane effect on Muppets.
Needless to say, Slimy wasn't very pleased!
Muppet domination has been a lifelong dream of mine (you know you’ve had that dream too) and if a couple innocent puppets get hooked on street drugs along the way, I say “pass the crack-pipe.”
So onto the first statement: I got a new column, called Did That Really Happen?, which will run at The Stir!!! One of my favorite sites EVAH! Why? They’re snarky, they’re stylish, they think I’m funny, and they’re owned by Billy from Melrose Place!
Plus, I’m in the company of some of the best humor writers out there: Best selling authors, Jenny (the Bloggess) Lawson, and Jill (Scary Mommy) Smokler, Kristin Chase from Motherhood Uncensored, and Aunt Becky from Mommy wants Vodka.
That said, I’m feeling a ton of pressure. I mean, it won’t be easy to compete with these babes, but I intend to kick some Mommy ASS! Oh, that’s right, I’m ready to throw down!
I’m not sure if you peeps are aware, but I have a black belt. A freakin’ black belt! Sure, it’s not so much in Karate as it is in Marc Jacobs, but I think the amount of style it omits could really pack a punch … or smartly cinch a skirt (one or the other).
Now that my worthy adversaries are probably shaking in their boots, I must ask, “are they stilettos?” (the boots, I mean), because I’ve totally been looking for a new pair for fall and I’d love if you could send me a picture of them on instagram! I mean, ahem, “Send your stiletto boots my way immediately — and I’ll back off, bitches!!! Hey, no COD, either … and I expect you to pay for shipping (but I have a UPS number if you need it).”
Oh yeah Bloggess, we’ll pretend this really happened and Mrs. Smokler, who’s scary now?!
Fine, the truth is, I’m honored to hang with these chicks and I would love YOUR support in my newest endeavor!!!
Sooo, please choose 1 of the following options:
1. Send me a pair of stiletto boots ASAP, I’m a 7.5/8!
2. Come give me some Karate lessons … or at the very least a gift certificate for a Zumba class!
3. Like this update to spread the word and most importantly … Check out, comment on, like/share my first article:
In the Wake of Romney Big Bird Debacle — Oscar Turns Trashcan into a Meth Lab
(A look into the possible fate of Sesame Street – for The Stir)
This shit is TAME, yo!
PS — The first comments I’ve gotten on the new piece go something like this: “THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER READ” and “SHAME ON ME” — I’m off to a great start!!!
But I KNOW you guys have amazing senses of humor, so I suggest going with option 3 – and show it some love! If you think you’re dumber for having read it … umm, keep that to yourself!!!
Thanks for your support xoxo!
Jenny From the Blog
I’ll read AND comment on it. I pretty much love everything you say in a stalker-ish way!! Also, you chicks are my idols. Maybe someday I’ll grow up and be just like you. Although, I’m certain I’m older than you.
Thanks Betsey as I’ve said stalkers are just creepy people who really want to be your friends, and I’m ok with that!
YAY!!!! Congrats!! The Stir is my favorite gig ever, and the only one I still do, come to think of it. A warning: Whatever you do, DO NOT read the comments. They are brutal over there!
Thanks honey — umm, yeah I’ll go with that advice, listen I’ve had peeps at Huff Po call me a crappy mother because I’m already thinking about my son’d future wife. Do we not all go there, like, the minute our babes are born? “One day you’ll leave me and go to college and get married and miss Thanksgiving and and and …” BTW I do so love the site, you being affiliated with it would be reason enough!
O.K. I’m trying hard to process this new column…
I get that you’re in great company, mommies are the best writers,
but are all of you hanging in the Sesame meth lab? And is there
Vodka in there too…makes for one heck of a cocktail. Maybe
even enough for mommies to earn some serious shoe leather
Yes, yes we are. Grover brought the vodka and of course Oscar is cookin up the meth… it’s a block party.