Last week, a new mommy called to ask what classes I would recommend. Yes, I have friends with infants, because I’m awesomely cool, also, I was once their babysitter.
I began to reminisce about the myriad classes I took with J (my first, who is now 12). I was under the impression that the more time you spent in various classes, the more socialized and intelligent your child would grow up to be.
Darn if my 3 month old wasn’t going to get a baby massage in a fancy room while he and 10 other babies squirmed uncomfortably. No, I would not be the ogre to rob him of that experience. An experience that would surely be the reason he one day gets accepted to Harvard.
As it turned out, he was way too young to get anything out of them (other than a cold) –and I was way to twitchy to slap those other moms, who were clearly attending said classes for the sole purpose of making me feel totally inferior. Damn them for getting enough sleep to put together full sentences about their children’s feats and milestones!
That said, here are my Mommy and Me mistakes (I wish I could get that money back to spend on important things like shoes and organic baby food) …
1. Baby Massage:
Really, I can’t believe I spent my hard earned dough on this one, because frankly, anyone could, if they so chose, give their infant a massage at home. Yet, I was sure this woman would teach me some trick to rid my child of colic and hence be worth every cent.
The instructor used a doll which at some point in the first session she dropped flat on his/her face, causing me to do that thing where you laugh uncontrollably when you know you shouldn’t. To make matters worse, the other mothers were very serious about their massages and they cooed and rubbed fervently.
My baby was the most serious in that he cried and wailed from the moment we started to the moment we ended. I tried to focus on him and not the piercing glares the other mothers were shooting my way. I even attempted to leave, but the instructor and her maimed baby where insistent that my son needed a massage more than any of these other babies, because he was clearly upset and stressed-out and needed to find his Zen.
Sadly, the other mothers could not find their Zen and when the instructor explained that my child could be the Yin to their kids’ Yangs, they released their death stares and welcomed his screeching. “Do you hear that Billy? Stay calm in the face of adversity, rise above it, be one with the universe!” a mother whispered gently while pumping Billy’s legs for optimal digestion. “J, don’t listen to that mommy,” I whispered to mine “I’m pretty sure the only thing rising up over there is the stench of this bs and Billy’s diaper.”
2. Mommy and Me Yoga:
At one time, this class was all the rage. The idea was to take your infant to a yoga class and use his/her weight as resistance. Basically, it was a big fat excuse to take yourself to a class and not sign your baby into the daycare room or find a sitter.
Can you do a tree pose? Can you do one with a baby on your hip? Use your core people. Now, try a downward dog with the baby on the mat looking up at you and make silly faces while trying not to drool directly onto your infant. Lastly, star pose while holding the baby in one hand, if you don’t drop your baby, it’s a sign you’re truly bonding.
3. Baby Sign Language:
This one came so highly recommended on the basis that you could teach your infant to communicate with you basically straight out of the womb, well, months or years before he could do so verbally. I was sucked in by the tall tales of some infant somewhere who could supposedly ask for a bottle or tell his mother he was happy, sad, angry, thankful, or tired.
I imagined my brilliant infant would rock this class and we would soon be having complete conversations in which he was all, “I love this squeaky duck Mommy, because it’s funny like you.” Well, something like that.
The truth is, he never signed me a single message, not even “the finger,” which I probably deserved for making him lie there on a blanket while I frantically mimed at him for an hour.
4. Baby Gym:
We all did some version of the baby gym class. I started before my son could roll over or sit up or do anything other than freak out when someone passed us the mascot doll “Gymbo,” which was without question the same clown they used in Poltergeist.
In every class, we would all stand and do the parachute over the babies heads as they stared up from beneath it. Probably wondering why this rainbow was attacking them, and being thankful every time it it came within inches of their fearful faces, it was whisked back up with a cooling gust of air. To this day my child is afraid of clowns and wind (go figure).
Yes, I probably could’ve found better ways to spend my cash or scar my baby, but at the time these seemed like good ideas.
*A mom of an infant never has good ideas.
Be Awesome, Share This With The New Mommies You Know, and The Ones Who’ve Been There Done That
Related Piece: 5 Baby Classes I Wish They Gave Because They Would be Awesome
XO – Jenny From the Blog