Whenever one of my children does something new, I’m scared something bad will happen.  Yes, I’m one of those highly obsessive, and illogical thinkers that jumps right to the ‘nth degree. For instance, when my son was 5, he had his first sleepover with this best friend (who is my bestie’s son). Though I’d known him since he was in utero, I was convinced said friend would smother him. 

Sure, he could do something more common, like draw a mustache with permanent marker.  He could put my son’s hand in a cup of warm water and pray for him to wet the bed, but no, I went straight to suffocation. Now, this child we’ll call him Leon (because I don’t know any kids named that) has no criminal record and has never smothered anyone, that I know of; but, I couldn’t sleep. No, instead of celebrating my evening of freedom with a raucous romp, or even catching up on a good book (which is code for US Weekly), I was up every hour wondering how many pillows Leon had access to.

When J came back still breathing I was thrilled. We went for a swim and when he got out, he stripped down and wrapped a towel around himself … all normal and un-suffocated!

J: Mom do you know what balls are?

Me: Sure you have tons of balls, baseballs, tennis balls…

J: Nope. (Drop towel lift penis and squeeze sac.) These are balls. See, one … two, see cause they’re like balls.”

Ry: Like the balls on my tongue?

May that be the only context in which she utters those words to me ever again.

J: No Ry, these are balls, see — ball, line, ball. (Squeezing and pointing so Ry can get a good look.) Mommy’s talking about my balls and you’re talking about tongues.

Me: Nooooo, Mommy isn’t talking about your balls, Mommy is just listening.

J: Mommy, what do you know about nuts?

How do we moms find ourselves in these conversations? And when did we all get so advanced? I think at 5 years old I would have spent a sleepover debating whether it was true that only Big Bird could see Snuffaluffagus or putting tacky blue eyeshadow on my Barbie styling head and then retired to my rainbow sheets, with the matching rainbow comforter, that said, I’ll take this over smothering every time!!!