I know he seems more angry than "blushy" but YOU try and get a picture of him embarrassed!
This post needs to be filed in the crevices of my mind where repressed memories are stored and then covered up by something to obsess about, like my cellulite, or the wrinkles on my face that multiply faster then the Duggar family.
Maybe I could slide this memory somewhere between my talent show version of Gonna Dress You up In My Love and my entire 7th grade year. Well, here goes…Recently at a baseball game, a mom friend and I were having a bout of witty banter that went terribly horribly irrefutably awry.
I can’t blame myself for how far it actually went, as I’m quite sure something else in the universe caused these events to unfold as they did. Some butterfly in Africa probably told a really tacky joke which set off the chain of events off in the first place. You know, something that started with “An ant and a grasshopper are looking for insect porn.” Well, I actually can’t pretend to know what kind of joke a butterfly would tell, but one can assume.
Me and this chick were joking about a penchant many women have to bedazzle everything. Frankly, I don’t know how every word on their t-shirts is bedecked and bejeweled or how they have so many extra gem filled grommets and studs on their jeans, their sweats, their shoes, their handbags, their children, and their cellphones. I just know that the glare makes it hard to look in their direction for fear of burning a retina.
Amy: Jenny, why don’t YOU have anything bedazzled?
Me: Oh, I do, you just can’t see it.
Amy: Where is it?
Me: My belly-button. I have one of those sticky diamond tattoos in the shape of a baseball. It helps me get into the game.
Amy: You could tie your t-shirt southern style to show your support for your team. The dads would love that.
Me: No, I like to take the shirt from the bottom and pull it up through the neck hole. You know, camp style? The dads will definitely enjoy that one ‘cuz a boob inevitably falls out.
Amy: And then your hubby could bedazzle something for the moms.
Me: Done.
Amy: Noooo?
Me: Yes, his penis is bedazzled to look like a bat… and when Jake’s up, Mark runs over and whacks me on the stomach with it and we all scream “Go Jake, whack that ball.”
Amy: Nuh uh?
Me: Yuh huh.
Oh, it went there. There was no stopping this tacky reparte train, but what happened next turned said train into a locomotive careening off the tracks. I turned towards my hubby who was sitting on the other set of bleachers and screamed, “Mark, come on over here and show Amy your penis.”
Let me tell you two things in my defense. 1. I meant to say “bat.” “Mark, come over here and show Amy your BAT.” You know, joke joke, wink wink, snicker snicker? No harm done. No children traumatized for life. 2. There were about 10 kids all aged 9 a row in from of us on the bleachers. ALL of which turned around and stared me right in the eye!
Amy looked at me, mouth agape.
Me: Did I just say what I think I said?
Amy: Oh…my…G-d, you did.
Kid on bleachers: Did you just say penis?
Amy’s son: Why do you want my mom to look at Jake’s dad’s penis?
That is perhaps one of the most horrifying questions I’ve ever been asked. I can still hear it my head as if said in slow motion through a Darth Vader mask.
Amy’s son: Continuing without pause, “Why would you say that?”
Oh G-d, a question worse than the first, which was punctuated by 10 sets of impressionable eyes trying to stare the answer out of me.
I looked to Amy who was giggling so uncontrollably she could barely stop long enough to say this: “Yeah, why would you say that?”
But she did.
After what felt like an eternity. I replied, “Did I say penis?”
10 nine year olds in perfect unison: Yep.
Me: Hee hee hee (fake laugh with snort added for good measure) Nooooo, I meant peanuts. Your mom was hungry and I wanted Mark to come share his peanuts. I can’t believe it sounded like that. That’s so funny, right? Hee hee ha ha ho ho snort. Right?
“Ohhhhhh well it sounded like penis,” said the spokesperson for 10 inquisitive kids who enjoy nothing more than the mention of genitalia, diareah, or a good fart joke.
Me: Just me crazy accent. Dunt chew knaw? Yes, that was supposed to be “Don’t you know” and it was said in a desperate mix of Jamaican, Irish, and Bostonian with a dash of Catherine Hepburn.
Amy looked at me sidesways as if I was having some weird speech seizure and 10 disinterested kids turned back to watch the game.
Phew. Thank goodness for easily bored, quickly distracted, ADD ridden children. Not everyone recovers from such a racy and totally inappropriate Freudian slip. Boot eye deed.
Note to self: NEVER talk to Amy again and stop bedazzeling Mark’s penis!
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HAHAHAHA, oh Lord. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. And I’m glad you had the guts to post it! We’ve all had our Freudian slips!
Thanks Kerry. Scarily I think I’ve said worse.
At least the other mom laughed. Can you image how awful it would have been if she’d looked at you with horror.
Hilarious! Xx
I would have yelled hypocrite!!! You don’t ride the reparte train unless you can handle it when it derails! Those are perfect words for a rap.
Oh dear god. I’ll never be able to watch baseball without thinking of penises and sparkles. Lots and lots of sparkles… Haha
Frankly Sam, who can?
love the tacky reparte train 😉
OMG. I am crying. You did NOT! Crying.
That was the hysterical. The funniest thing I’ve read in a while!
Thank you for another hysterical share Jenny! You most assuredly have ample company. We have a popular pizza restaurant in our city called Killer Pizza from Mars. My daughters and I affectionately call it “Venus Pizza”. One day I was speaking to a (far right conservative and highly active in the community) mother of one of my daughter’s friends when I accidentally said “Ari and her sister are at Venus Penis.” Fortunately, as I courageously attempted to dig myself out from the debris of my self imploded land mine, she too started laughing. We have been affectionate friends ever since. Welcome to the club!
Thanks Mama. I love your faux pas even more as it came out of absolutely nowhere!!! If only a couple tables of 3rd graders were near by 🙁
I too laughed out loud! Those poor impressionable boys!! And there mothers who now have to explain what a swinger is … See what I did there?
This reminds me of our UM days! I believe we all rode that train multiple times and some of us(..uh hem…me) never got off at the stop!!! No worries your recovery was flawless and your humor is unstoppable! Keep riding the train and do not let a few, or ten, sets of impressionable eyes ruin your fun! Life is way too short to get caught up in proper etiquette!!! You rock Jenny!
Oh but you will remember that one for a while. Very funny!!!
That was too funny!!! We’ve all done the oops, oh sh-t, oh no I didn’t say that, but then it’s too late and we can’t take it back. Just be patient someone else will slip up soon enough just wait for it, wait for it…
Well???? WTF am I waiting for? Someone else has to f-up for this to be a legitimate comment!
well well well….I think I have now become an official member of the incontinent club. When my son was young, and against all my inner protestations, decided to turn in his speedo for a cup, I quickly learned that the best way to endure any ten year old baseball game or practice was to lock myself in my car with a fully charged cell phone and call all of my friends to tell them how miserable I was and how guilty I felt about not being a supportive baseball mom…you know…out there on the bleachers? I should have been out there shouting “Anyone want some penis?” It would have made it way more fun.
Oh, Renee hindsight truly is 20/20 let this be a lesson to all the baseball moms like Renee, ask for penis not popcorn and all will be well. I wonder if that adage has been used before, I’d hate to plagiarize.
Yes, it’ll be hard to forget. I started with a couple vodka shots that seems to be helping!
Well you out did yourself. This one ranks up there with your best and funniest. I know, I myself have done the Freudian slip many times. You got lots more years of messing up to do. Live with it. Oh and by the way, that’s how your children end up saying the words you don’t want them to say at the most inappropriate times. Good Luck!!
Puhlease, I’ve already had my little girl quote “grown-ups” to a waiter and say “I don’t want this milk, I want mommy’s milk” MOR-TI-FIED. That’s what you get when you let your 6 year old watch inappropriate movies…. It’s always the parent’s fault!
Wow…I had NO idea you could get bat-bedazzled penile art. Wait’ll I tell my husband. He loves baseball.
Hmmmmm. Could’ve been worse. If Another set of eyes and ears had been there, mine.
Yuck yuck gag gag throw up. Warning to all this it what can happen when your dad reads your blog.
off to invest in some Poise Pads because those little “Care-Free” pantie liners would do nothing to help me after reading all of this. I plan to call the Poise company and let them know that their product would sell much better if they posted Jenny’s link on their packaging. Fantastic Blog!
OMGoodness I could NOT stop laughing! Laugh-attacks can be dangerous girl so be careful don’t want any laugh-attack lawsuits on your hand!! Real talk you are amazing…too funny thanks for waking me up in the middle of the day! Side note ssshhhh don’t tell ur mom I’m sitting right behind her pretending to work lol j/k!!
Jenny, this was hysterical! And your “save” was admirable. But this whole post brings up a question: does this mean it’s inappropriate for me to ask my husband to show his manly parts to all of my girlfriends? I mean, the guy is hung like a bear. But now I can’t help but think that perhaps I have inadvertently breached some unspoken social rule?
O.M.G. hysterical. I nearly peed myself laughing. This is the kind of stunts that usually happen to me. Love that I am not alone! What a riot – thanks for sharing and spreading the laughs!
You know what would make you feel better? Schweddy Balls…
So you’re team mom now, right? In charge of bringing the peanuts. Too G-d funny, Jenny.
I say,”all aboard!”
That was just awesome, LOL! (the belly laugh I got out of it I mean, not screaming grammatically correct but still creepy words in front of 9 year olds) Your blog is great, I followed a link through The Bloggess. And this post rivals her Beyonce the Giant Chicken one
LMAO!! I’m going to have to start labelling your blog NSFW, but WOW…. I can just picture the expression on your face 🙂
Oh it feels so good to laugh.
I didn’t know the word existed until I was 14. My mom would only say Wing-Wang.
Had I said wing-wang I certainly wouldn’t have been in this predicament.
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It must be the name…Freud sits his ass down on my tongue all the time. I know it sounds creepy but it’s true. I’m a bit worried about it as my daughter gets older and we have to be in public together.
Thanks for the laugh! It was a fine add-on to my day. 🙂
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I LOVE it!!! Nothing better than accidentally screaming penis at a baseball game…
Well KJ, that’s what they say!
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