In my attempt to be a Queen for a day I realized that if the Queen is knee deep in urine, whining, and is constantly saying things like, “I will separate you two if I have to,” and “Who’s pee is this?” than I am the Queen every day.
As the Queen, I assure you that when a Queen sits on the royal throne in the royal bathroom, there is a dog with his head on her lap while she pees, and small children running in and out asking the same question over and over like wind up toys.
(Excuse me, I have to calm the Princess who is crying because the Prince got her too wet … in the pool!)
OK, back to my story. I woke up this morning to a performance of the Royal Court Jesters, and a barrage of hand made cards and dances done by the Royal Artisans. Then as a good Queen, I gave the royal puppy (who is a royal pain) his walk. You see, I gave the dog walkers the day off to spend with their mothers. Of course, I gave into the prince and princess and halted our walk to play at the park. I had no make-up on, no-bra, and shorts way too short for public viewing, as I graciously gave my royal dressers the day off to spend with their mother’s.
(Pardon me, I have to rush and dry off the Prince. He needs to jump out of the pool to make a poop.)
Back to the park. First I pushed the swing, and then I pushed the swing, then I stopped the dog from digging a ditch under the swing. Then my princess went down the slide too fast, in her pull-up, and fell butt first into the mulchie dirt. Yes, my daughter was in a pull-up and she rode her bike to the park that way. That does not make me a bad mom, because it is Mother’s Day and the royal nannies are off and I can’t be expected to do everything. Don’t judge, she wore a helmet.
(One, sec. I have to confirm whether a floating bug is dead or alive.)
Okay, I’m back. I spent the next 10 minutes attending to a crying Princess who had gotten herself and her pull-up dirty. She refused to get back on her bike, for fear of getting it dirty. She demanded that I, the Queen, walk it back home. Since the royal bike walkers are also off, I walked it half way and then insisted she get back on. I then promised that I would call the royal bike cleaners away from their mothers to come clean her bike.
(Sorry I’ll be right back. The bug I determined to be dead has come back to life, and now I must verify whether it is a wasp or not.)
Back to riding back home. As soon as we reached the house, a teary Princess ran to the royal bathroom and screams quickly followed. I hurried over, only to find her having slipped on some royal pee on the royal floor. Ah, the King can not be expected to aim between the hours of midnight and 7AM, and because the royal pee cleaners also had the day off to spend with their mothers, it was not properly wiped up.
(Umm, this might take a while. I am being asked the questions, “Mom, what is it like to be in heaven? Where is heaven? How do you get your own place to live, with grass and a house and stuff?)
Okeedokey – back again. I, the Queen, have decided to stop attempting to write, and wait till tomorrow when my royal scribe arrives. Instead I will leave you with the conversation that is currently going on:
Princess: “Mom, ma, mom? Jake said he will splash me if I taaallkkk.” Whine whine.
Prince: “And Ryan kicked me for no reason.” Tattling voice.
Princess: “I don’t even care about you now.”
Prince: “Yeah, well, you have man hair on your back”
Princess: “Wellllll, I don’t care, cause I like it that way….”
The above is a true account of my day thus far, and it is only 10AM, though I can’t be positive as the royal time keepers are spending the day with their mothers.
We do it all, and we’re still Queens, doctors, nurses, secretaries, corrections officers, chefs, maids, servants, scientists, therapists, teachers, soothers, bus boys, friends… I could go on all day, but what’s a Mother’s Day guitar hero tournament, without the reigning champion?
Happy Mother’s Day!
A special happy mother’s day to my mom, who was all of those things and remains the best Mom ever!
Happy mothers day, JENNY. You are too funny!! Hope your day is fabulous!
Ahhhh Yes! The mental games we play on ourselves to get us through our parenting days! My name is QueenMother! Self-Imposed the day I came home from the birthing center w/my 4 male child. We also had custody of my nephew, so I had 5 boys! FIVE!! BOYS!!! Do you know how many busted windows, holes in the walls, sticks, bats, balls, broken legs, busted lips, pee-stain floors that is? So far a gazillion.
Yet ancient women of old would have come to my hut to get my wisdom so that they too could spew forth male children. I am QueenMother! I blog about that. And a funny one about being a Rock Star! My fans ADORE ME!! A mental game? Whatever! It gets me through snot, tears, poop and irrational crying fits!
I have nothing witty to say; I spent half of the day trying to teach my son how to ride his bike, talking him through the screaming and crying each time he fell down and got a scrape/welt/bruise. I am quite happy I took to exercising again, because holding up my kid on his bike and running back and forth endlessly is not for the old and faint, which is just around the corner for me. I am just praying that teaching him how to drive will be easier. Have a great day!
i hope all mothers are having a day filled with adventure, emotion, and family closeness, just like yours, Jenny! and enjoy the prince and princess while you can!
For some day, the Prince and Princess may settle in kingdoms far, far away, and then the Queen’s castle may become eerily silent. And then the Queen will say unto the Prince and Princess: “why cannot your return to honor me, your Queen, on my special day?” and, lo they will come burdened with gifts and bearing their own new Princes and Princesses with pee-laden pull-ups and screeming about the abuses of their siblings and decrying the menu selections at the Queen’s castle, which are far inferior to that in their own kingdom. and, lo in the insuing din and chaos, the Queen will silently count the days until they all return to their own kingdoms and once again the blessed silence will settle within her castle.
Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny!!
Love, Rachy
Oh boy! With 9… yes NINE… children… yes real live ones that I birthed one after the other MYSELF… not borrowed, or adopted or visitors, or step kids… with 9 kids of my own I can SOOOOOOOOOOO relate to your story and it sounds REALLY similar to how my Mother’s Day went particularly late in the afternoon when we didn’t make it to the park (and that’s a whole other story!)… so we promised to take them this afternoon and OH MY STARS AND STRIPES… the WHINING and the COMPLAINING and the wailing and gnashing of teeth and cries that the world was coming to a grinding halt before our very eyes… RECESSION what RECESSION!???
We can’t go to the park and that is FAR worse than a recession for crying out loud! And crying out loud they WERE, trust me!
Ah Mother’s Day… my favourite day of the year…
Mind you, the night before I wrote a heartfelt account of Mother’s Day…
I must have a selective memory and forgotten how bad it was last year maybe!?? Has alzheimers set in already!??
Well can that be a bad thing!?? Hello children, who are you and where’s your mummy!???? ROFL!!!!
On a more serious note! Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all!
I am VERY blessed to have my nine babies and I enjoy bragging and blogging about them all!
OMG! This was too funny! Thanks for sharing and Happy Mother’s Day!
Happy Mother’s Day- you clearly earned it and welcome to the kingdom (notice I didn’t say queendom).
Sweetie. This was one of your funniest, only sorry I couldn’t comment on Monther’s Day as I was spending a good part of it with you and your royal family. But as the Queen Mother, I will say Mother’s Day was a huge success!!!
my favorite so far
It’s good to be Queen (keep saying that over and over until you believe it!).
LMAO!! That was funny.
I wish the Queen a castle that sparkles and that peace reigns soon.
Put those Princesses and Princes to bed and have your way with the King!!
A queen needs slaves…that’s why I had a kid 🙂 Get those princes and princesses mopping pee and disposing of bugs henceforth!
ha ha ha! I don’t know why I haven’t had children yet!!
This was super creative – lol!