This is the unabridged version of the published article.
I’m not gonna throw myself under the bus and call my children spoiled, as I would have only myself to blame. I will say, however, they have an extreme sense of entitlement, which I am sure has little to do with them being lavished with gifts undeservedly. My children want everything they see, hear about, could get as a party favor, could find in a McDonalds happy meal, a cereal box, a piñata, or view in a commercial.
“Mommy can I have that? Will you buy me that? Mommy friends neighbor has that. I want that. When can I have that? Mommy? Ma? Maaaaaaaa? MOM! This exchange of words usually ends with, “If you mention it again, the answer will be never.” “Never? I can’t even have a Clone Trooper Voice Changer Helmet when I’m 25?” “Sure. If you still want a Clone Trooper Voice Changer Helmet at 25, you can wear it to therapy.”
“How about I get it for my next birthday, or maybe Kwanzaa?” My son is already eyeing a camouflage pencil set for Secretaries Day, and has informed me that, although we are Jewish, he will be giving up vegetables for Lent.
My children’s Chanukah wish lists are so comprehensive, I may be forced to explore alternative channels in my gift search. Consequently, I have sent a friendly letter asking someone who has slighted me in the past for help. Some might say it’s more of a formal accusation, but really it’s just a hand delivered note that needs to be notarized and signed on receipt. It goes:
Dear Santa,
I have never complained about you forgetting us Jews in the past, but times are tough. I mean, I don’t want to threaten you or anything, but let’s talk religious profiling, shall we? I’m sure the fact that we don’t believe in you has something to do with you snubbing us year after year. Do we, a people known to produce a whiner or two, complain? No, some of us, me included have made an effort to believe. Let us not forget Christmas of 83’ when I sat on your lap asking for a Speak N’ Spell, a Magic Eight Ball, and Shawn Cassidy’s “Da Doo Ron Ron” 45. I have a laminated picture from Macy’s to prove it.
Do you not bombard us with your festive songs and holiday movies made with delightfully animated reindeer and elves? Do Jews get to go a-caroling? No, we have one song… about kids gambling. Has Dreidel ever starred in a delightfully animated holiday movie? Has Snoopy, or Barbie, or a single Disney character ever lit a Menorah? Maybe in the privacy of their own homes, but certainly never on camera (it’s in their contracts.) We’re okay with that, because we wrote those contracts. Sure, we take advantage of your sales and vacations. We watch your shows, and sing your catchy songs. We’ll decorate a tree with blue and white twinkle lights, top it with a six pointed star, and call it a Chanukah bush.
Santa, my Roth IRA is down 40%. I deserve a little holiday cheer. You can look me up, I’ve been nice, and I’d like to keep it that way. My daughter wishes to receive the “now truer to life” Baby Alive that not only eats, but poops. She would also like the “now truer to life on the streets” Bratz Doll, which comes complete with Brazilian waxing kit and requisite diaphragm.
My son “just has to have” the new Guitar Hero “I Choked on My Own Vomit Tour,” a super Bakugan the size of his head, and some alone time with my daughter’s Bratz doll. I will forward you the unabridged version via zip file. I look forward to us all getting along!
Sincerely,
Frustrated Jewish Mom
P.S. I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot here. I didn’t mean to sound so hostile. Santa, just tell me what a girl’s gotta do to get some Christian love? I can be naughty if necessary. Perhaps a visit to your “south pole” (wink, wink)? Not by me, we Jews don’t really do that after marriage, but I know a girl that I can call.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Very funny!! I just hope Santa and all your Christian friends don’t get affended by your whining. If I remember correctly, you also wanted everything within eye sight. Ask your Dad. I couldn’t afford it all. Oh well, now you have grandparents that will help you out, if you want I’ll wear a Santa suit and put on a white beard.
Listen hear sweetie—from your “token-Catholic” sister, if Santa hears your pleas before accommodating mine, we are going to have to have a talk. Maybe I should get you to do my bidding for me—I know that your “peeps” are better at the bargaining table than I am so maybe I should consider getting my husband, also Jewish, to start representing me at the Santa Station in the mall. Please keep me informed about how it all works out for you; I will start planning my course of action immediately!
P.S. Very, very funny!!! And by the way—no way am I offended, I am using this as arsenal in my newly acquired contraband. Thanks in advance for the help.
MY SENSE OF HUMOR REALLY DIGS YOUR UNABRIDGED VERSIONS…..THE FUNNIEST YET!!!
Did you have strange discussions with your invisible friends when you were a kid? Did these thoughts / rantings start after leaving the ” Funny Farm? Strange parent or two? I love reading your work and try not to think of the possible origins. Keep them coming.
Jen,
I always knew Santa was a fun guy
I just didn’t know he was so wild!
Keep your stories comming-
They’re funnier and funnier!!
Great adult holiday cheer!
I just came across your site myself. I am also a writer of all things funny… you rock. (And I NEVER say that)…. amazing writing. Keep it up!
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I think having children provides us Moms with an enormous amount of material to work with, and I see you have your share. Awesome article and I have sent a copy to my Jewish girlfriends and my Christian girlfriends. Neither were offended. They both thought it was very funny. Keep them coming! :}
Don’t know. Can a nice non-Jewish girl sit on santa’s lap without being a ho ho ho? Personally, I ain’t promising to be good for twelve months unless there is some kind of kick-back involved.
Hate to tell you…didn’t you hear? We told our kids that the reason it’s going to be a lean holiday season is because Santa had a stroke back in March…he was old, very old…1800 years old…the doctors did everything they could… they tried, they really tried, but Santa won’t be coming this year… The kids cried for a few weeks, missed a little school, lost some weight, but they are all better now, only a few sniffles now and then. Good luck with your wish list! Good humor!
About that girl willing to go “south” ?
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So Lucky That I found your blog and great articles. I will come to your blog often for finding new great article from your blog. Thank you
Happy Saturday! nice piece,. Enjoyed “ice Jewish Girl Sit On Santa’s Lap Without Being A Ho Ho Ho? | Suburban Jungle” although maybe not everyone did. I’ll be back. Just subscribed to your feed.