It’s that time of year again… Time for that timeless Jewish tale that should be read the night before Christmas after eating Chinese and watching whatever movie your kids talk you into.
How many of you will be sleeping through this flick this weekend?
I’m not gonna throw myself under the bus and call my children spoiled, as I would have only myself to blame. I will say, however, they have an extreme sense of entitlement, which I am sure has little to do with them being lavished with gifts undeservedly.
My children want everything they see, hear about, could get as a party favor, could find in a McDonalds happy meal, a cereal box, a piñata, or view in a commercial.
“Mommy can I have that? Will you buy me that? Mommy my friends neighbor has that. I want that. When can I have that? Mommy? Ma? Maaaaaaaa? MOM! This exchange of words usually ends with, “If you mention it again, the answer will be never.” “Never? I can’t even have a Fijit my beat friend when I’m 25?” “Sure. If you still want a Fijit my best friend at 25, you being it with you to therapy.”
“How about I get it for my next birthday, or maybe Kwanzaa?” My son is already eyeing a camouflage pencil set for Secretaries Day, and has informed me that, although we are Jewish, he will be giving up vegetables for Lent.
My childrens’ Hanukkah wish lists are so comprehensive, I may be forced to explore alternative channels in my gift search. Consequently, I have sent a friendly letter asking someone who has slighted me in the past for help. Some might say it’s more of a formal accusation, but really it’s just a hand delivered note that needs to be notarized and signed on receipt. It goes:
Dear Santa,
I have never complained about you forgetting us Jews in the past, but times are tough. I mean, I don’t want to threaten you or anything, but let’s talk religious profiling, shall we?
I’m sure the fact that we don’t believe in you has something to do with you snubbing us year after year. Do we, a people known to produce a whiner or two, complain? No, some of us, me included, have made an effort to believe.
Let us not forget Christmas of 83’ when I sat on your lap asking for a Speak N’ Spell, a Magic Eight Ball, and Shawn Cassidy’s “Da Doo Ron Ron” 45. I have a laminated picture from Macy’s to prove it.
Do you not bombard us with your festive songs and holiday movies made with delightfully animated reindeer and elves? Do Jews get to go a-wassailing? No, we have one song… about kids gambling.
Has Dreidel ever starred in a delightfully animated holiday movie? Even the Rugrats sold out, ahem, converted.
What, Hollywood talk you into losing your religion?
Has Snoopy, or Barbie, or a single Disney character ever lit a Menorah? Maybe in the privacy of their own homes, but certainly never on camera (it’s in their contracts.)
We’re okay with that, because we wrote those contracts.
Sure, we take advantage of your sales and vacations. We watch your shows, and sing your catchy songs. We’ll decorate a tree with blue and white twinkle lights, top it with a six pointed star, and call it a Hanukkah bush.
Santa, my Roth IRA is down 40%. I deserve a little holiday cheer. You can look me up, I’ve been nice, and I’d like to keep it that way.
My daughter wishes to receive more of those squeaky –and possibly poisonous– Zhu Zhu pets. She would also like the newest Bratz Doll, which comes complete with Brazilian waxing kit and requisite diaphragm.
My son “just has to have” Ubisoft’s Rocksmith “I Choked on My Own Vomit Tour,” the iPhone 4s that he thinks will answer any question, including where he left his last cell phone. Oh, and some alone time with my daughter’s Bratz doll.
I will forward you the unabridged version via zip file. I look forward to us all getting along!
Sincerely,
Frustrated Jewish Mom
P.S. I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot here. I didn’t mean to sound so hostile. Santa, just tell me what a girl’s gotta do to get some Christian love? I can be naughty if necessary (wink, wink).
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Want more Holiday Humor? Check out Little Things That Make me Wanna Convert and of course, please share this tale as a holiday treat
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Hysterical post! LOVED it! From one Jewish Mommy to another, it’s tough when our kids want everything and we try like hell to give it to them no matter the cost! Maybe Santa would like a lap dance? Put a little jolly in his jingles? Those dollar bills stuffed down your g string can really add up!
I’m actually laughing DOUBLY hard at this post because I live in North Carolina which is not very Jewish. The other PTA moms are all about wearing their heavily embroidered X-Mas sweaters this time of year and because I want so desperately to fit in at the class party, I also bought a Christmas outfit. As luck would have it, you have it pictured above! Those PTA women LOVE me!
Easy come, easy go.
In answer to your question… Absolutely. Did I mention, I’m Santa?
Holy crap there went my evening glass of wine. Oh, some up my nose. You’re a riot!
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Funny, funny, funny! But I got the best of both worlds by marrying somebody non-Jewish. So now I get to experience Santa Clause and Christmas through my children and it is AMAZING!!! So. Much. Fun!!! No more chinese restaurants for me on Christmas Eve!
Hilarious!
I think if you go to the trouble of writing a letter to Santa you deserve a response… I want to see yours more than anyone’s. Scan it… please.
Oh, you are bad girl. I wonder if that means you won’t get any response at all? HEE hee Hee, I mean ho ho ho.
Too funny! This is going to my friend who recently had their picture taken with Santa and was feeling somewhat guilty. I had mine done with my twin when little, never felt guilty but my hubby doesn’t get why nor do my kids!
Laugh-out-loud funny!
wow Jenny, how did you fit so many great gag lines into one little post? did you work on this one all year, like my Mom did shopping in January for the next Christmas? I do know some Jewish people, I even have some of them as friends! So i’m sending this post along to them as I’m pretty sure they will feel very relieved that finally someone is addressing a long neglected slight- even hand delivering it!
Thanks for the morning guffaw!
Omigosh Jenny, thank you so much for the laugh. My kids also ask for everything under the sun.
great post. i needed to laugh today. thank you for that. i am not religious, halloween is my fav holiday, but had to sit through my kid’s christmas program at school earlier today. his grade level sang 7 songs about the lord and christmas. if i wasn’t behind the camera, i would have been chillin’ on facebook. i still don’t understand the meaning of christmas, but i play along since i’m married to a preacher’s son. i understand your angst with all the attention christians get this time of year. i guess my friends who are half jewish are the lucky ones since they get to experience both. santa won’t be visiting us this year anyway. my son and hubs have been super naughty. my roth is also down, like, by half. if only we had been nicer this year, santa would be helping me out, too.
Very very funny. One line wittier than the last! Some kids get older and grow out of their narcissistic demands. Others don’t. Don’t worry. I could be a good example. This year I wanted a new Sport Car, new boat and Jet Ski. I got a sweater. I’m not complaining, but, next year I want a Sport Car and New boat. See, I dropped the Jet Ski. I must be maturing. Gotta stop, my Therapist is calling me in. Merry Christmas.
I totally get the “Christmas jealousy” thing. When I was
a kid my neighbor had a whole “electric train city” under
his tree. It was sooo magical. But then he had to eat
lard sandwiches for lunch… I couldn’t stomach that. So
I learned to appreciate the simplicity of the Hanuka lights .
always enjoy your writing. but the most ironic thing: that nice boy jesus was jewish!
as i read your post, i’m thinking to myself that between my big nose and a name like rachel burckardt, i wonder if i could pass as a nice jewish girl. but raised by a single irish mom, i got to celebrate chrismas and the lights and the songs and those underserved gifts under the tree. sometimes i feel a little down about all this chrismas fuss, there’s something that’s not right about it but i can put it in words…..maybe we should trade for a year….you can get my presents and i could enjoy a more peaceful season without all the fuss!
ps — did you know that nice jewish boy, jesus, was really born in september? the ultimate irony is that with this whopla, it’s not even his real birthday! i can see him sitting up there in heaven, next to his jewish dad, looking down on this december commercialism, slapping his forehead and saying “oy vey!”
You are funny! I am sure I have thought these things myself…even my tree is decorated in blue and white and silver! I will definitely be reading more!
Nice to have you Loren, I hope you enjoy and pass me on to friends!
From a Jewish Grandmother’s POV: your title hooked me, your comments made me laugh and your writing style engaged my imagination. Thank you for your humorous Chanukkah gift. Now, I’m off to back Chanukkah cookies with my granddaughter. The yummy recipe is on my blog http://tiny.cc/fJdEG if you are interested in sharing a holiday treat with your children and Santa. 🙂 Sheila
Thanks for reading and for sharing your yummy recipe! I hope you come back soon.
This was great. I do remember the Santa picture, I think I had one in my wallet for years. When I was a kid, I wanted to be like my gentile friends and get Christmas gifts also, I evern hung a stocking on our fake fireplace. My father, the ultimate Jew, thought he was very funny by putting a mouse trap inside (not triggered though). I do understand what it’s like to have your kids ask for everything they see and your grandchildren…but that’s what the holidays are about. right. I do think that we actually got the better end of the deal when it comes to gifts. We celebrate for 8 days, Christmas is only one day.
Where do I start? Loved it. Needed the laugh.
Glad to hear it, please visit often and send the link to your friends!
Gurrrrrl, you are insane; with a serious dark side!
We’ll discuss my dark side on the show!
you crack me up. You may be the funniest Jewish girl I know… and I know many. Keep it up!
Dude, sorry…I can’t stop staring at the um, elf…
See, I need that outfit…it’s perfect because it will hide my flawed areas, which are my cankles…
Sigh.
Hi Jenny!
That was just so, so funny! You are quite a talent!
Maybe you need to do some research and see why Jewish people don’t believe in Santa. He’s not a religious symbol, just one of giving and kindness. Maybe you could start a petition or something to have Jews agree to celebrating Santa!
I can’t imagine my life without him!
Alison
Ha, loved this article!!! Oh, it’s ok to sit on santa’s lap unless something comes up 🙂
Jenny – if you want Santa to visit you’ve got to wash off the Lamb’s blood that has been on your doorpost since Passover. 😉
Why didn’t I think of that? Damn Lambs blood, I never know what to do with it.
As a nice Jewish girl from TX–I’m so grateful to my Christmas celebrating friend for sending this along to me. Laugh Out Loud Funny! True, I may not be the best commentator–I am known among my Jewish friends as a bit scrooge like–but, maybe it’s all those years of being “forgotten by Santa?”
Seriously, thanks for the laugh! Enjoy your Chinese Food & A Movie and Happy New Year!
LOL – now THAT’S the Christmas spirit!
“… we wrote those contracts.” Brilliant. Where’s the contract for your sitcom?? Wishing you and the lucky family you live with a Happy Hannukah and a great 2012.
Hee Hee Hee! Merry Christmas 🙂
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Loved it. Thanks for the laugh.