“Ma’am, please leave your bra in your shirt.” Those were the words just barked at me, in total seriousness, by a clerk at Kohl’s in one of my more embarrassing moments.

Let’s go back about 15 minutes, so that I can defend myself. I ran into Kohl’s to use their bathroom and when I walked out, my cute little Natori bra with the clear elastic across the middle (for lower cut shirts) split in half.

I’m in a white button down, about to meet a possible client and showing nipple is tactic I like to reserve for my 3rd meeting. Sooo, I grabbed a bra and walked into the bathroom with it, when a clerk yelled:

“Ma’am did you not read the sign? NO merchandise in the bathroom.”

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t. See my bra just broke and I was going to throw this one on and then come out with the tags to pay you.

Clerk: Well, how would I know you just weren’t gonna steal it?

Me: I guess you wouldn’t, know that (though I felt I was looking pretty cute in my outfit, not at all crook-like … which is what I was going for when I got dressed: The Has No Criminal Record look, but I digress). I wasn’t thinking about how it would look to you because I was all flustered by my boobs being on display. I could run in now and pay you as I exit.

Clerk: How about you pay me now?

I’m pretty sure she was patting herself on the back for making me pay the $7.00 she was certain I was going to avoid paying with a 5 finger discount (or should I say 2 boob discount)? Which is why I felt the need to prove I wasn’t just back peddling with my feeble broken bra tale.

Me: (about to grab one of the cups that was hanging under my arm trying my best to be endearing and funny) Look, I’ll show you, the front really just split in half.

Clerk: MA’AM, I do NOT want to see your bra!

I was simply trying to lighten the mood and now she hates me. Because I happen to have this weird issue with anyone having such disdain for me, I held on to the bra in a last ditch effort and creepily insisted on pulling it out from the top of my shirt.

Clerk: Please stop, (she said, while she covered her eyes and turned her head as if I was showing her a fresh episiotomy scar.) Keep your bra in your shirt!

Wow, now I can never forget that someone has needed to say that phrase to me!

Aside from being completely embarrassed, I was actually annoyed, because not only did she think I was a criminal, who was not funny, but I was starting to seem like some weird psychopath — Also, she wasn’t willing to look at the evidence that I was in fact not a psycho at all, but simply a normal person who wanted to show a random stranger in a store, her bra to prove she wasn’t shoplifting. Duh.