You know how there are certain phrases you’ve said to your children, that upon reflection, you can’t believe actually came out of your mouth?
Last week, I had to ask my 12 yo son, J to “stop smelling the cat” and there was a time I explained to my daughter Ry, that “the balls boys have are not the same as the little balls on your tongue,” (may we never discuss balls on her tongue again) and just a couple weeks ago I had to explain motorboating to my tween son (with an audio and quasi visual demonstration), so that he could keep up with the middle school cafeteria banter.
As parents, we’ve all had to turn some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. The question is, have we, the parents, gone bat shit crazy for uttering these words, or is it our children who are certifiable, for doing things that require us to speak them?
Here are some of the weirdest things I’ve had to say to my children over the years (I surprise myself daily), plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans, who never disappoint.
1. “You can have a favorite shirt, but you’re not allowed to have a favorite pair of underwear.”
2. “Gum you find under tables is NOT ‘free’ gum.”
3. “I don’t care how much she annoys you, your sister is not for sale.”
4. “Please stop riding the dog.”
5. “You cannot charge your friends at school for massages. And please stop massaging people at school.”
6. “We need to keep our pants on in public.”
7. “The money you see in fountains is not up for grabs.”
8. “Please stop fondling Nana.”
9. “Poop is not paint.”
10. “You CANNOT practice writing your name, on the furniture … with a Sharpie!!!”
11. “Play-Doh is not your snack today.”
12. “Sticking erasers up your nose and shooting them out at people does not qualify as a talent, no matter how accurate your aim is.”
13. “You have to stop farting on each other.”
14. “NO! You can’t attempt to saw your sister in half!”
15. “‘Do not let the puppy lick you there.”
16. “Just because you found it and it’s alive, does not mean it’s our pet.”
17. “Why did you toothpaste the cat?”
18. “I’m begging you to stop licking me.”
What’s the most insane thing you child has ever made you say?
PS – Today a clerk at Kohl’s said this to me in all seriousness and with good reason: “Ma’am, please keep your bra in your shirt.” … SO maybe it’s just me.
PPS- I defended what led to that statement on my Facebook Page, in case you’re interested.
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Yay! My “why did you toothpaste the cat?!” made it to the list. I never did get an answer, just a minty fresh kitty that got annoyed he had to have a bath. 🙂
That was one of my faves and may be one of the only that made it to the pared down version. I just love the image!!! as to the answer… why must one have a reason for toothpasting the cat??? XO
Yeah, his answer was a blank look as if I was being unreasonable with asking such a strange question.
It’s amazing what we find ourselves saying to our children… I wrote a post back in 2011 called “My Life Without Kids” and in it I listed some of the inane things I’ve said to them! My favorite is “Why must you be COMPLETELY naked when on the toilet??”
Here’s the link, if you’re interested.
http://mastermindmommy.com/2011/06/my-life-without-kids/
Great post Jenny!! I hope I never have to explain motorboating to my almost 12 year old!! Yikes!!
OMG it’s so true. The things we’re forced to say could never be imagined. Love the line about the booger!
XO
Thank goodness I am not alone!! I have said most of these as the mom of 2 teenage boys, but the most common one I hear myself saying is “get the cat off your head”. I have no idea why they put the cat on their head but he doesn’t seem to mind either…
Mine does that too and the cat never seems to like it.
“Do you want to be the smelly kid in in class?” After my preteen daughter repeatedly tried to wear the same outfit multiple days in a row.
“Change your outfit, change your underwear. The 2 go hand in hand.” – Upon finding approximately 0 pairs of underwear in her laundry when I went to wash it.
And, finally, “Please do not pick your nose when you are talking to me.” – When engrossed in a conversation w/ my son.
Love that. Maybe they’re a bit too comfortable?!?
Hilarious! I’m sure I thought “I’m begging you to stop licking me,” but I don’t think I ever said it out loud. I have said, “Push your penis down or you will spray the wall.” Never thought I would utter those words.
Yes, telling them to remember to aim always seems odd to have to say.
Please stop licking the car tires! To my 2yo.
OMG that is hilarious and yet not the most shocking thing any of us have ever said… which is shocking!
Just said the last one this week, lol. My toddler thinks it’s hilarious.
Not only do they like to lick, I think it’s funny when you ask them not to.
Mine was: no you may not pee on each other, period!
The fact that you had to say period makes me think they asked you if their were any circumstances when or where they could pee on each other… sounds about right.
“stop fondling nana” is my favorite
alleviated a lot of guilt for things that come out of my mouth and my utter lack of any type of hair fixing skills.
I wish I could say it didn’t happen, but it did!
Haha! I have to tell my daughter to stop licking me on more occasions than I like to admit. Another frequent statement I cannot believe I need to say, much less multiple tomes, is, “please do not touch butts with your friends at school.”
OMgosh,
I cannot pick my favorite.
These craaaaaaaaaacked me up.
Laughing in Minnesota right now.
“I’m not going to tell you again: please stop licking my feet.”
I love your list–hilarious!
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I have found much joy in reading your post. You are blessed with the ability to bring a smile to the most troublesome areas of life. I am just a newbie at blogging, but I recently added your blog as a suggestion to my readers. Wouldn’t want to miss out. Stop by anytime.
http://www.piddle.me/single-moms-got-balls/
Hilarious!
However, “poop is not paint” is troubling. I think everyone should be aware that children who play with their poop (unless young toddlers) is a sign of sexual abuse.
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“Please leave daddy’s nipples alone”…. My daughters go to line when she sees her dad without a shirt “oh look pinch daddy’s nip nips”