Seriously, who thought of this petri dish in the first place? For those of you not lucky enough to have encountered the Euro Bubble, it’s a clear plastic beach ball that rolls on water and can fit someone up to 150lbs, (according to the website) though I saw teens much larger attempt to walk on water at the local Kaboomz Party Playground. This is how it works: you pay a fee to have your child stuff him/herself into a plastic bag while a man with no more than 7 teeth shoves a tube excreting stale air into a leak proof hole in order to blow up the ball. Hypocritical? Umm, I did just spend the last 6 years saying, “NEVER stick your head in a plastic bag” and now I’m like, “Well, if the toothless guy says it’s okay, go for it.”
There’s something suffocating about watching a child crouch into a plastic bag in the first place. Getting past the horrible mental images and the daydream where you imagine this to be the best babysitter ever. Yes, in the midst of all my anxiety, I did imagine how cool it would be to have my own CLEAN bubbles… for playdates, when I have to work or clean, to get them worn out before bed etc… Unexpected visitor and you have work to do? No worries, simply stuff em in the baby sitting bubble and send them out into the pool to bang into each other and hamster around for the next hour. What, they can’t go anywhere, everyone would be happy, work would get done? But then it dawned on me that there’s probably only so much air in that bubble. Ugh, chest tightening feeling at the thought of forgetting to set them free. Forget it; I’d rather miss my deadline.
Back to Kaboomz. Sure I could have opted not to let my daughter go, but every other mother at the party seemed quite ok with it, making me yet again, the most neurotic mom in the room. I should just wear a sign, oh wait, the nail biting as my daughter waited in line probably gave me away. As she entered the bubble the hand sanitizer I so diligently carry in my bag actually committed suicide. It knew it could never disinfect a child after such a feat and jumped from my pocketbook splattering its last ounce of dignity on the Slushee stained carpet. I was in this alone. I looked down at that sorry tube of Purell and wished I had the forethought to have brought a can of Lysol instead. Let’s face it, my child was not the first to enter this ball, no she may have been the thousandth or at least the 10th person in that bubble in the last hour. A bubble which at no point contained an attendant holding a bottle of Windex and some paper towels.
To make matters worse, shoes and socks were not allowed… for better traction. Nor was there an internal release of any kind, well, if you don’t count the electrical tape patches sprinkled about. You know what was allowed in the “germosphere?” Runny noses, coughing, falling on your face where the last kid or drunk adult’s feet left sweat marks, their butt left crack marks, or any orifice left any residue of any kind. Yep, those are the rules. Have fun while crazy moms, like me, try to figure out where they can give you a “Silkwood” style scrub down when you get home.
As luck would have it, my anxiety was interrupted by another stress inducing revelation. SHE’S WEARING A DRESS! Come on, really? I realized as my daughter crouched in her bubble that she in fact was the only child at the party in a dress, in other words: we were about to get a peep show at my six year old’s Justice undees. Which I fear is the very reason every childless adult in the joint was there in the first place. Look, if you go to a party and entertainment center that happens to serve beer and you don’t have a kid in tow, you are without a doubt flagged on a data base of sexual predators… and you wonder why you never get any trick or treaters? I stood with one of the dads who was equally as horrified at the germ fest and when I revealed my newest concern he burst into laughter and then pointed out at least two childless men sipping beer by the end of the pool. I spent the next 7 minutes and 15 seconds giving the international sign for “Close your legs.” A sign that many young starlets would benefit from learning. My proper princess understood immediately, which either means she is really good at charades or we need to talk more about sitting like a lady.
When my little Paris was done with the ride, I was able to focus on the germs again. Phew, I was worried I had forgotten to worry about that. I considered hosing her down at the sink, but it was time for pizza and all the kids, unsanitized, unbaby-wiped, un-dragged to the bathrooms by insane parents ran joyfully to the tables and drank their hydrogenated, high fructose corn syrup filled fruit punch and licked their fingers… and mine did too. Like my bottle of Purell, I had given up. As one of the moms who let her daughter ride in the bubble 5 times said, “They have to be exposed to this stuff or they get the allergies.” I don’t know if I agree with that logic, but the part of me that wanted to tell her she was being a bit of an extremist realized we may have more in common than I’d thought. So, I shut up, ate my pizza without patting off the grease with a napkin and enjoyed being a renegade for just one night.
Have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
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I loved this piece. It reminded me of the one when your son lost his ladybug. So funny.
I always love your tales, they make me laugh until I spit milk out of my nose. I mean that in the nicest way possible!
I really enjoyed this one. I really appreciated you pointing out the one thing that I don’t like about Kaboomz: the adults that are there without children. I know that the adults are there for the adult gaming room. I just don’t feel comfortable with a place where adults and children can be at the same place playing games.
Found this by accident looking up the bubbles you wrote about. That was hysterical. I’ll be back, thoiugh I think I’ll be avoiding the bubbles.
I just peed in my pants. I could picture the whole thing and I think I too would have had some sort of anxiety attack!
OMG That was Hilarious!!! I’ll have to avoid those things, though the pics do make it look kinda fun!
hahahahaha that cracked me up. Don’t worry you are not the only neurotic mom in any room, I’m sure. Certainly not if we were in the room together. Unlike you, they usually keep it all inside and put up a good front, but I much prefer your style.
Very funny, I love when someone makes me feel more normal. You alwasy do that Jenny from the blog. thanks!
glad to hear I make you guys feel more normal. Is that because you’re neurotic like me and you relate? or because you thought you were and my intense neurotisism makes you feel sane? HMMMMM?
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This was priceless! Mr. Yuk would have a field day with the bubble play. The good news is your kid is developing a multitude of antibodies and apparently, despite your germophobia, so are you.
OH, EW, ICK! Imagining the smell of stale, trapped, stinky feet smell makes me gag. Have you ever had the pleasure of crawling up a fast food playground slide to retrieve your disobedient child? That smells bad enough as it is. I can’t even imagine.
If I’d been there, I’ve had been standing right next to you biting my nails and passing out the baby wipes to all the kids at the table. I’ve actually helped an equally neurotic friend of mine pass wipes out to kids at parties before. We don’t ask we just start handing them out and all the other moms are like, “Oh, um, yeah, I guess that’s a good idea…” It works. =)
You are most definitely NOT alone!
you got me at putting a kid in a big plastic bag…it’s not right, i tell you, it’s not right!!!!
Thank you for the anxiety attack! I’m the same way 🙂
This was a keeper. It me me laugh out loud… You are too, too funny. All kidding aside, where is the health department?
you got me at the idea of putting my kid in a big plastic bag. it’s just not right!
Great one. Was totally thinking the exact same way when the kids spotted them at Santas Enchanted Forest. Had to put my foot down – no way! I feel for you..
I would have had the same response – especially if my trusty Purell couldn’t have saved us, either!
Saw this in a mall. Thought it looked like fun for an adult party, too – then a kid sneezed in one. Ech.
If the toothless guy were smart he would market bubbles for people to buy for their kids, then no germs would be shared, and he could get new teeth…
kim, you are always thinking! If only we could explain that logic to the toothless guy. but I didn’t mention he was also earless. Oh well.
Lanie, I saw that too and steered my kids clear of that area!!!!
They had these at the state fair this past year. The ball floated around a pool set on a paved parking lot. I was afraid for the kid that got too close to the edge of the pool and fell out of the pool and tumbled 3 or 4 feet, head first, on to the pavement. Add the germ ball and condensation from a 100 degree Sacramento day.. sounds fun!.. Can I go next.?.. BARF.
I laughed so hard at this my husband told me I needed to breathe more. Than I shared some of it with him and he said I have to send it to his sister. I totally get this entire story, which is what makes it so funny.
I just found your blog, but I am not totally addicted to it. 🙂
Jenny you are an ass wipe! You are most likely over the weight limit and are to cheap to spend the money so your child can have some real fun. You are a very sick person thinking people want to look up your child’s dress. People like you just need to go away. Stop trying to kill other people’s fun! you self centered bitch!
WHO even thinks about these things as their child gleefully giggles away?
Your “proper princess” (named “Paris” of all things..) knew the international signal for “close your legs”? Isn’t she 6? Can’t she just be a kid??