Yesterday, as I dropped the carpool off at Susan’s house, she ran to the car in a flurry (and trust me, Susan doesn’t usually flurry).
Me: What’s up, did I run over your dog?
Susan all air traffic control arms swinging.
Susan: You have to look at something.
Now the last time she said that all arm swingy it was to watch ducks having non-consensual sex (and I’m not kidding about that, it’s one of my favorite pieces).
Me: No duck sex!
Susan: What? No, it’s not even mating season, duh! You have to look at my eyes, holy shit they don’t match! Stare at them and tell me what is different.
So I stared at them like I was looking at a Highlights magazine and found the differences between the two.
Me: One has more lid?
Susan: Which one?
Me: Ummm, maybe that one?
Susan: Ding ding ding! One has more lid and the other has a droopy old lady lid … and they look ridiculous together.
Me: I don’t know about ridiculous.
Susan: Yeah well Tracey spent half of lunch laughing at them.
Nice Tracey.
Susan: She thinks it’s because I must sleep on that side, I think I’ve slept that way since college! Susan continued while smushing her face to mimic a pillow with her hands.
Me: Yeah, well that could be it.
Susan: I’ll have to sleep on the other side tonight and then check it in the morning.
Me: Yeah, if you’ve been sleeping on that side for like 20 years it probably won’t go back in one night. You’re gonna need to sleep on the other side for about 20 years and then you should be all good.
Susan: Maybe I could take naps to speed up the process?
Me: That’s perfect … or just interact with people from a laying down position.
Susan: That would make for fun parent teacher meetings or I could walk around with my hands smushed to this side of my face.
Me: No, you should just tie a brick to your head … have Ben (her son and mini-Macgyver) fashion a pulley/levee/rope system to keep it tight throughout the day. *pause* You know, at least you have eyelids (I know, too much talk about Susan, right?) Have you looked at my “old eye” lately? *removes sunglasses to show one eye that actually has no lid left and a lump of skin where it hits the lashes*
This of course is not new, we’ve known about my “old eye” for a couple years. I blame it on being on the driver’s side of my face (we all have to blame it on something right?). I’ve lifted it with Botox, but it ended up looking smaller than the other eye … and also it looked like I was always skeptical. You know the one brow lift look? What your kids eats peanut butter and jelly everyday for lunch? Yeah, I don’t think so? So, I recently had it dropped back down with Botox and now it’s just droopy … but at least my eyes seem to match. (From a far. Seriously back away from your computer and look at that pic a second time.)
Me: As long as no one gets too close I’m good.
Susan: Why don’t you just get an eye-patch. That could be like your new thing.
Me: Ooh like Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill, how hot was she in her eye-patch?
Susan: Yeah!
Me: And I could bedazzle it! Wait, no, that would be too much.
Susan: Yeah, you’d probably want to keep your eye-patch less conspicuous and more subtle.
That’s a phrase you don’t hear a lot.
Me: Right, maybe a nice Lilly Pulitzer print that says “it’s summer” or a Pucci print for parties.
Susan: Yep, like I said … subtle.
Me: I once had a white eye-patch in high school for a corneal abrasion and I drew an eye on the front and put make up on the eye.
Susan: Sounds normal.
Me: It freaked everyone out because the eye-patch eye never blinked.
Susan: Maybe you should stick to Pucci
Do you ever notice that one of the worst effects of aging may be how batshit crazy your conversations about aging can sound?
PS – I will be using the money I save on Botox to start an eyepatch company. I’m calling it the No-Match Eye-Patch, I’m sure you’ll see the infomercials.
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I had an eye doctor appt yesterday and not only do I have to get my first set of progressive lenses for my glasses aka bifocals but I was told one was higher than the other. Double I’m getting old whammy.
* one eye was higher than the other.
My eyes are pretty matchy. But I always wanted to start a new job wearing contacts of different colors, and see if anyone would call me out on it. And then I would do a bunch of research on how people with non-matching eyes never got promotions, and blame all my failure on my contacts. It would be nice.
That sounds like a foolproof plan, lisa… foolproof I tell you!
Teresa Lytle Curtin yes, I got it lol
Okay, either I’m blind or you’re cray cray. Your eyes look young and they match (I won’t hold this against you!). My left eye, actually the entire left side of my face, is about 5 years older than the right. I’ve been told this by several (okay one, but several times) facialists. I now sleep on my back but I’m pretty sure the damage is done. Oy.
That’s a sign that you drive too much (left side and all) the quick fix is to move to London. You’re Welcome!
Wait until one side of your vagina starts to droop. Just sayin’…
Clearly you didn’t read my What’s a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends. I’m well on my way mama!!!
One side of my top lip is fatter than the other. I just noticed it a couple of weeks ago and it’s kind of bugging me now.
Me too! If I’m not smiling I have this weird Elvis sneer and everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong. I’ve taken to coloring it in with lip liner, but I’m afraid I look like those crazy old ladies that paint lipstick all around the outside of their mouths….now I know why they do that.
Just get the pelvic thrust thing down pat go with the pompadour and tell people you’re a rare female impersonator.
Vanessa just stare at it in the mirror for like a couple months that’s what I would do.
If I’m not careful I can easily slip into a natural “always skeptical” look because one of my eyebrows always wants to arch higher than the other. I think I have over-developed face muscles there. I hate to think what that’s going to look like in 20 years. *sigh*
Well enjoy the next 20 years until people start asking why you don’t believe what they’re saying.
One of my eye lids has been wrinkly for a while now…like old lady skin-I’m only 37! But now my other eye lid is starting to catch up with it’s own wrinkles, so at least they will match soon, right? No. Still bullshit.
It’s funny I had one lowered and I think it matches better… yes they both sag and I can barely stay awake due to the heaviness, but closer YAY!
This was weirdly comforting to read, thank you! I once visited my eye doctor and told him something was horribly wrong, my eyelids didnt match, and he was the one to break the bad news that it was basically normal aging. I would have rather it had been a curable disease.
Amy so so sad we are! I will never forget an art class where they told us no one’s face is symmetrical at the time I was all Whatever, now I remind myself daily as I tape one eyelid to my forehead!
So we are only supposed to sleep on our backs due to wrinkles. And not use straws. And not squint. Or laugh. In leu of a college fund for my daughter I am starting a Botox/plastic surgery fund.
Yes, you need to do all of the avoid all of the above and never worry about it… worrying causes the worst lines!
I haven’t paid too much attention to whether or not they match, (thanks, Jenny! something new to obsess over!) but I have noticed I no longer have eyelids. I used to totally rock the slightly darker eyeshadow in the crease with the “highlighter” on the brow. Can’t really see the crease now. It disappears and the upper eyelid part just slides right down. Aging. Aargh.
Leslie – you simply repaint your eyebrows about an inch or two up on your forehead and use the part below to make your NEW above the eye area… NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW, I PROMISE, but you should send me a pic, you know, so that I can marvel at your new eyelids, of course.
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This is going to be my new excuse whenever I feel like taking a nap — “I’m not doing this because I am lazy! I have to nap on one side of my face to counteract the effects of aging. I am saving myself thousands of dollars on future Botox. This nap is an investment in my future! It is the least selfish thing I could possibly do with my time.”
Nicole YOU ARE BRILLIANT and I’m totally stealing your idea. I mean I’ll totally give you credit when I’m telling my friends my idea… I mean your idea.