Fun fact: This is an old post that I took down because I got so much flack for being such a horrible wife. Now, 3 years later, I’m over 40 and frankly don’t care if you people think I’m a horrible wife. Also, if I’m being honest, we all have our meltdowns and our horrible wife moments, if you don’t than you probably shouldn’t be at this particular site. PS you know who really thought this post was funny, my husband.
Hubby: “Jenny are you busy?”
Me: “Yeah, I’m writing.”
Hubby: “Listen, where is that car wash? Next to the Ale House?
Hubby: “And where do I pull in?”
Me: “Like you’re going to the Ale House, but you turn into the wash instead.”
Annoying Hubby: “And which one do I buy?”
Me: “Whatever is most expensive.”
Hubby that is now like another one of my children: “And then what? Do they just hand you a ticket?”
Me frustrated: “Can’t you just go to a car wash like everyone else? You get in the line and it will all be self explanatory.”
Hubby who doesn’t realize that I lost patience for inane questions years ago: “Because I can ask you.”
Me, done with this conversation: “I think you can handle it. People go there all the time and they often leave with a clean vehicle.”
Hubby who is now totally pushing it because my snideness is annoying him: “Why can’t you just answer me?”
Me trying to be witty and lighten the mood: “Look you only get so many questions per day; you must use them wiser.”
Hubby who does not find me amusing: “grunt.”
Me being an asshole: “Ok, you pull into the lane a man with broken English will ask you which wash you want and then he’ll point to a chart that describes your options in depth. Get the one that costs the most.” (his car hasn’t been washed in like a year)
Hubby asking a question because he does still want info: “But not the one where they wax it right?”
Me still being an asshole, but making myself giggle: “No, just the highest of the standard, you don’t need it detailed. Then he will hand you a ticket and point you to the register which is inside the mini-mart looking building. There you will in turn hand the ticket to the lady who speaks English with a thick accent. She will give you a receipt and she may also give you change. This occur if and only if, you do not give her the exact amount. Then you will go to a waiting area and sit on a bench, providing there’s room. You’ll want to avoid sitting on someone’s lap as it’s frowned upon. You will send work emails or text from your phone until you see your car pull out. You may also opt to read from your Amazon library or play Ruzzle the possibilities are endless. You will do this until another man, who speaks no English what-so-ever beckons, the owner of a car that looks like yours … your car. As you are the owner of your car, you will hand him a tip, take the keys and return to me.”
You know what he’s doing , right?
He’s hoping to wear you out so YOU say, “ugh. NEVER MIND. I’ll do it.”
Do NOT play into this game.
Took me 15 years to figure that out.
The Empress is right.
He wants you to take his car to the car wash for him.
This is only slightly worse than MY husband who won’t trust me to take my own car in.
“I’ll do it,” he sighs. What? Because I cant’ handle the pressure? I will suddenly not be able to communicate in broken English?
I might ask for wax?
yep. blogging is made for this….
I say “The uterus is a tracking device”. As women we manage to know where everything is and if not, we are able to actually GET UP and go find it. This conversation does sound just like the ones in my house which is why I love this blog. My husband gets irritated with my sarcasm but I get irritated with having an extra child that asks me constant (obvious) questions.
“Aren’t you a grown man”
i’m not so subtle or patient, you did a good job 🙂
THIS. Is my husband. Exactly.
You are right.
And I will use this soon, “Look you only get so many questions per day; you must use them wiser.”
Holy crap this is funny!!! Sounds just like a conversation between me and my hubs.
This is usually followed by the “honey where is the…BLANK? I Can’t find it?” Where I tellhim to actually move crap around since No you can’t see through things. And then he doesn’t find it and either I get up and find it for him or he goes to the store to buy another one even though we have three at hone that he just can’t find because he didn’t look behind the stupid milk in the fridge.
Was that bitchy? I recognized that as my every day tone. Shit. I may have to reevaluate my communication skills.
Ohhh, Alexandra and Julie you are so right. This is why I find everything around the house… he complains long enough about not being able to find it that I give in out of total exasperation. Sadly, seeing me exasperated has no effect on him!
Julie- that’s the other side of the coin. I know those hubbies too and marvel at their relationships… don’t complain let him do it!!!
Melinda and Lola- I guess it appears I am not a bitch Wahoo, but this is just what I chose to publish.
Sharon- it’s yours but I do expect royalties everytime you use it. Like the guy who says, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”
zenaliciousmom- Ohhhhh, see comment to Alexandra. I’ll do it. I have to do everything around here is one of my favorite mumbles.
Men always have an ulterior motive … if its not to get you to do something for them, then its about sex
which is also technically about you ‘doing’ something … hmm
That’s a rhetorical question. Naturally, you are. Boy do you have him down pat.
I know that possession of a womb is a biological setup to be a caregiver, but conversely, there is something about possession of a penis that promotes infantilism.
I call this the penis-factor. The Penis-factor merely means that due to having a penis they become deaf, dumb, and blind! I just called my husband out on this the other day and his response was, “where is the remote?” my response being, “Hey penis-factor—LOOK around your environment, then repeat the question if you still can’t find what you are looking for!”
P.S. the remote was literally at eye level three inches away from his face—AAAHHHH!!! THE PENIS-FACTOR
I love the penis argument. They really do a number on those guys. I they were longer they could slap themselves in the head with them after a dumb comment. Like, “duh.” Actually, the though of them doing that really makes me laugh. I could buy a penis to slap him with, but that would be odd and hard to explain to my children. I guess Alison’s saying will simply have to do!
My husband also loses the ability to find things out for himself when I am in the room.
Then he gets mad when I give him “sarcastic” answers. Why won’t I just HELP him? he wants to know.
Because if a third grader could figure it out, I shouldn’t have to tell you.
You have so captured many of our home conversations. It seems like I am the *go to person* for anything lost, misplaced or how should it be done. Exhausting! I’m always amazed how a grown man can’t just figure it out for himself. What did they do before we married them??? Oh, that’s right. It just didn’t get done! *snort*
Really laughed out loud with Nancy’s comment!!!
I was planning to read this and move on, but since no men have spoken up…
He was being kind of annoying. Now, if he had gone to a different car wash, spent more and gotten the wax, would you have grilled him about it?
When I find myself in these conversations, it is usually because if I choose the wrong car wash and the wrong options I am gong to get a earful. If you want to be in control, then you get to deal with this, if you don’t want the hassle, then let go of having to be in control.
Jeffrey thank you for weighing in. We needed a male in the convo… to bash. Just kidding, I love men. Even my husband. Just ask him. After writing the article I lovingly thanked him for being so annoying to which he said, “It was my pleasure.” This is why it works.
Hysterical!! Chalk it up to the smartest of people have the hardest time with the simplest tasks!! Right?? Love your husband.
That should be my new mantra!!!
I just read this to my husband and his jaw dropped. This is EXACTLY the sort of thing he asks me.
Shoot me now!
How about what I find most annoying… Cell rings… He opens with pieces of what was maybe 15 conversations you’ve had in the last 4 hours… Expects you to pick up right where you left off… Goes something like this, ” did you ask them if we can do that?”. Do what? Breathe… Breathe… Breathe…
Wow, our husbands are exactly alike! I have two teenage boys, but he makes three. I am so glad to know that I’m not alone with this and that I’m not only one who gets impatient and annoyed. Actually, I’ve called my husband “annoying man” for years 🙂
Thanks so much for writing this article.
Was it possible he was just making sure he got the car wash that met your specifications/expectations because if he doesn’t ask he will get a “talkin’ too’ about getting the wrong car wash?
Just a question…
Also, he may have being a brat… or just dense.
OF course it’s possible Guy , but that makes my story less fun. Sheesh!
Why did he feel free to continue with the questions even AFTER you told him you were writing? Does he not consider your writing as important as his car washing questions?
Are they all this way? I am permanently on strike from being Mommy to anyone I didn’t give birth to 🙂 Can you tell I’m very familiar with this scenario???
Gummy, Adventures, Judi I love that I’m not alone!!!
you are right. of course. he married you for the sugar but realized he needed your brain .too.
Of all of the funny things you’ve written, this was is probably the funniest! Your answers to him were with your typical quick wit! I hope that he reads your blog to see how he sounds!
Obviously when you answered that you are writing, he didn’t see that as something to be viewed as being busy!
Keep it up Jenny, you’re hysterical!
Alison, I always love your comment cause you make me feel more sane!!! Plus you’re full of compliments and let’s be honest, a crazy girl like me, enjoys nothing more.
We as women like to pass blame to other people for our so called bitchiness, when in fact we are in control of our actions and our bounderies. While I love what you wrote and find it undeniably funny as all get up; what we find as annoyance is sometime is our unwillingness to ingage or be incontrol of the situation. From what I read here it seems more to me the man was wanting you attention and your preoccupation did little for his need for your attention!
Most women are starved for the attention of their mates-and communication in many relationships lacks greatly- Sometimes even as busy moms, or wives or what ever hats we wear- We need to stop and give ourself permission to have quality conversations and attention to the little things we forget mean the most!
Love your analysis, though it’s usually me that’s attention starved!
Ladies. Please hear me when I say that Jeffrey’s perspective is very valuable. I am in my fifties and I realized at a young age that if I wanted a man who could think for himself and help with the baby and the housekeeping then I wouldn’t insist on everything being done my way.
I feel a lot more lovable since I adjusted my standards and allowed my man to help me in his way. I am always careful about appreciating his efforts. I try not to make so many rules about how things need to be or to be done which makes it easy for him to help. Sure, it’s not up to my pre-marriage standards but I’d rather be happy and know that my husband is taking great pleasure in helping me then having a spotless bathroom or clean microwave.
By the way, we are the happiest couple among our friends and it is very clear to me it’s because my husband helps around the house.
This reminds me so much of my husband. For about the first ten years we were married, our conversations went much like this whenever we left the house:
(When we exit the house as a family, I will often stand aside so as to lock the door. More often than not, this confuses my family though I’ve been doing this for years. More often than not, a dog will shoot out the door, bringing with it a long chase, making us later than we already are.)
Me: Did you remember your keys?
Husband: No, give me yours so I can go get mine.
Me: (After he comes out) Where are my keys?
Husband: In the house. (He then goes to get them)
Me: Did you remember your cigarettes?
Husband: No, can I just smoke yours?
Me: No – it’s not fair that I run out of mine because you’re always forgetting yours. Did you remember your cell phone?
Him: No, I’ll get it when I go to get my cigarettes.
As we pull out of the driveway onto the road, roughly a 1/4 mile from our actual house…
Husband: Can we stop somewhere and get something to drink?
Me: Why didn’t you say something when we were at the house and grab a soda out of the fridge?
Husband: I didn’t want one then.
Me: (Now looking for my gun and ammo) Fine – we’ll stop.
This went on for YEARS. I finally stopped asking him anything so he could suffer the consequences of his actions. He also has his own bank account for “incidentals” such as forgotten cigarettes and a drink. He runs out LONG before the month is up. He gets no more until the following month.
Men do this because we let them do this. I didn’t take my husband to raise, I took him to be my partner. So long as he relies on me to be his mother, I don’t have a partner.
They remember more when you make them remember more.
“Jenny are you busy?”
“Yeah, I’m writing.”
The conversation should have stopped then and there. If he didn’t hear you the first time, then you are just feeding the tiger and trying to get it to shut up.
That’s a tough one. Yes, we can all sound bitchy when we approach a conversation with our husbands with that tone and attitude. Although, you did inject some humor which was quite funny and should have lightened his response. I think if we learn to treat our husbands like they were the love of our lives and vice versa, it’s truly amazing how their attitude changes. I think we all want to be heard and I think your husband more wanted a conversation with you and he presented it with a request for direction. Sometimes I’ll start a random conversation “just because” I want to talk with him just to connect and I think it important we don’t label it or categorise any of his conversations/questions as being another stupid question our husbands ask. If your husband took the same position every time you opened your mouth it wouldn’t be a very loving relationship. My point is that this all leads to a habit of speaking really not so nice to each other and while we curse the effect we nourish the cause. That being said at times I have found men emotionally retarded – yes that’s harsh – but I think we simply speak different languages and the best of marriages require that we learn to speak or at least understand each other’s language if the marriage is to thrive and not just survive.
Linda- I think you should come be my translator. I’ll say all the stuff I said and then you can turn to my hubby and be like, “Jenny is so happy you are going to get your car washed. She loves your ambitious plan for this morning and has explicit instructions on what you should do to accomplish this grand task” Or something like that. See, I’m not so good at it.
Guess what? I’m co-writing a book with my husband. He doesn’t help with dishes, cooking or anything to do with household stuff because it isn’t important. It’s a great book, but never again.
Bebop Is the book about how to share household chores? If so, I’ll know not to buy it. 🙂
Right! And you’re not annoying at all.
You’re kidding, right? He TOTALLY got what he deserved. Any wise man would have stopped grilling you at “get the most expensive one” (my personal favorite line). 🙂
Oh and here’s one back atcha:
Husband: Are you going to the grocery store today?
Husband: Oh, because we’re out of beer.
Me [inside my head where it’s really loud and angry]: SO GO TO THE FUCKING STORE AND GET YOURSELF SOME BEER YOU INVALID.
I have had this very conversation with a friend of mine who says “Men think that the uterus is a tracking device.” Funny, no?
Jenny, I go through this even after 32 years of marriage. I reached the point where I just tell him “you are making my mind numb!”
We have to stop enabling!
Snicker. Well, I guess I should recluse myself from this since I have a serious aversion to adults who won’t just do something especially when it’s something that’s self explanatory. And then someone who keeps talking and talking and asking and asking even if I say I’m busy. SIGH… Can you tell I think you’re right? 😀
Funny. I think you handled it well. Didn’t catch you on PMS or hot flash day or he might have ended up in hospital and you in lockup.
Okay, Jenny… Take a deep breath. Now exhale. I know people (our husbands) can be irritating, especially when we’re trying to write. But come on. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Try being a little more thankful… Give thanks that you have a husband who pays attention to you. He’s there for you. Perhaps communicate that you are busy and have a meeting with him soon to establish rules and boundaries (e.g. when you are writing, you don’t want to be disturbed). Try finding solutions to problems instead of just… well… bitching. I know it’s hard, but it’s what being a big girl is all about.
Mwahahahah! Total win!
The worst part is that they never learn!
My hubby will NOT feed our cats. (We have 2-we aren’t whacked out collectors or anything) they freak out when I get home bc they thought they’d never again eat…His response? “They weren’t hungry until you got here”….. as if! 🙂
Don’t even get me going on the kids… hahaha
this could be the same conversation in my house and whenever my husband goes to the supermarket I am guarenteed at least four phone calls asking questions about what else to get if the item is currently out…etc., so of course I get annoyed and by third call, I’m terse. I guess he’s worried that I will be upset if he comes home with the wrong items, but interesting how much labor involved in all of this checking, questioning and double checking….hmm there’s a whole psychological dissection possibility here but I’m not going there for fear of sounding bitchy to both women and men. It is what it is and we should be grateful that we’re different I suppose.
My hubby is a good man, but distracted and I can totally see us having this conversation. We’ve had many like it, and he just does not get why I lose my patience… but boy, my teen daughters are learning a lot about men.
And by the way, I SO love your line… “Look you only get so many questions per day; you must use them wiser.” I’ll be stealing that one for sure.
Thanks for the laugh!
Sue: A Bitch from NH
This is the same man who tried to argue his way out of being responsible for breaking the gate in yesterday’s post? No sympathy for the man. He can clearly talk his way into a successful carwashing.
I am so thankful that I found your blog! All this time I thought I was the only one going crazy with conversations like these. I can breathe a sigh of relief. I am not alone! Woohoo!
Sounds like a typical conversation in my house.
LOL. Everyone in this house knows they are only allowed a certain number of questions asked of the mom per day. it’s been a rule for years and still no one uses it wisely. But I’d probably be more likely to be the nag in this scenario — car stuff is not my area of expertise.
OMFG, that is hysterical!! I guess that makes me a “bitch” too because that is totally how the conversation would go in my house as well. What is it with men that have to over analyze/question the simplest of tasks?!!? 🙂