My Husband is Cocky Stubborn and Relentless |What’s Wrong with Yours

We all have those little things that irk us about our spouses.  Some women tell me that their husbands are too involved in every little decision around the house, making buying a new chair harder than getting your toddler to try broccoli.  Some women tell me their spouse’s are so tight with money that they can’t buy a ribbed tank without a budget discussion.  Well, neither of those are Mark.  For the most part he’s hands off when it comes to decisions and purchases (yay for me).  No, mine is an obstinate man with a desire to do everything in the easiest quickest way… with little remorse to boot.

Yesterday while dropping my son at a friend’s house he decided to tailgate the guy in front of him to get through the guard gate.  G-d forbid he waits in the line like an average Joe.  No, he has places to go and people to see.  BTW I,  (nagging wife) have warned him that this habit would end in damage to his car.  To which he has assured me the gates will stay open for him.  I mean don’t they know who he is?!?  Hello?

Well, this gate’s bar didn’t get said memo and slammed down just in time for him to crash into it, leaving it hanging from it’s hinge.  Oh, that’ll show that ignorant bar.

Guard: Sir, could you please get out of the car, we need to write up a report and call the police.

Stubborn Husband:  For what? I used my sensor and it didn’t work.

Guard (authoritatively, as if he had turned down a job with the police force for this.): Sir, you tailgated the car before you in.

Mark: (Who is now fighting as if he actually believes his own bullshit.) No, your gate closed on my car.

Guard: Nooo, your car crashed into my gate.

(I imagine this went on a bit like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups commercial:  You got your chocolate in my peanut butter.  Noooo you got your peanut butter on my chocolate.)

Well, it ended with my willful hubby refusing to get out of the car and defiantly driving through the gate to drop off my son, who was now crying about what was sure to be his daddy’s pending arrest.

Is he nuts?  Do rules not apply to him?  Why do men feel the need to fight (and win) every argument? This is why I spend much of my time Googling things.  ‘Cause my hubby is so freakin’ sure of anything that comes out of his own mouth.  He looks at himself the way people look at gossip mags.  He thinks, “If I say it… it must be true.”

Here are some of his doozy’s “No, you can’t get zits from dirty pillowcases Jenny, that’s insane.”  “Thanksgiving is ALWAYS on the 28th of November.”  “Ferngully (1992) was the first full length animated movie that wasn’t made by Disney.” What’s crazy is that somehow through unwavering tenacity he convinces other people to second guess what they know to be true… or he causes them to want to pull their hair out in frustration.  Either way, it’s a win for him.

What, you don’t believe me?  Case in point:   “This is the same man who talked a police officer out of giving him a ticket for driving in the HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lane through adamant denial that he had stopped the wrong car.  As Mark says, “I planted a kernel of doubt.”

Mark:  Why did you pull me over? Was I speeding?

Policeman:  No, You were in the HOV lane.

Mark:  What?  I think you have the wrong guy.

Policeman:  You’re what we call a jumper, you pull in and out and I watched you pull out.

Mark:  Yeah, that wasn’t me.  I’ve been in this lane the whole time.  It must have been another black car (accused hubby, as if the cop was car profiling.)

Policeman:  Nope, it was your black car.  I saw you with my own two eyes, plus I’ve got it on camera.

Mark:  Well, check it and you’ll see you’re wrong (said cocky husband banking that he wouldn’t). Haven’t you ever made a mistake? (He continued)

Policeman:  Oh, I have, but I didn’t this time.

Sweet Lovable Man O’Mine:  Well, with all due respect, that’s the thing about mistakes; it wouldn’t be a mistake if you knew you were making it.  (I know you’re jealous that he’s not yours right about now.)

Policeman:  With all due respect, I don’t need a vocabulary lesson.

After more arguing and the writing of a citation my brilliant husband walked out of  his car on the side of a highway and approached the policeman with ticket in hand saying thus:  “I’m just very uncomfortable with getting a ticket for something I didn’t do.”

The policeman (in what I imagine to be shock) looked him in the eye, swiped the ticket out of his hand and said, “I’m going to rip this ticket up because you are the most persistent  mother fucker I’ve ever run into.  Now don’t do it again!”

Lesson learned:  If you deny relentlessly, you will be rewarded!

So, you wanna know what happened with the guard gate?  Hubs returned to the scene of the crime to find the police waiting for him.  Oh, I wish I were kidding you.

Guard: Sir, this is property damage and we need to write up a report.

Mark:  Well, your gate was clearly not working as it didn’t read my sensor.

Guard:  Sir, you tailgated we have it on camera.

Mark:  Then you should check the footage.  You would see I was trying to use my sensor. (he seems to think checking the camera is a whole to-do or I assume he would stop suggesting people do it.)

Guard:  May, I see your sensor?

Mark then proceeded to take out the Liftmaster 2000 clicker that came with our house.  It’s kinda like someone asking for ID and you showing them your Blockbuster card.

Guard: (with policeman snickering in the background) Sir, you’re showing me a 1960’s style garage door opener… I can’t imagine that you got it confused with our sensor.

In the end, it cost him $250, and you know what?  It was worth every penny.   And trust me, I’d like to put those pennies towards groceries or school supplies or a pair of stilettos.

Me: (smugly avoiding saying ‘I told ya so’)  Well honey, did you learn anything today?

Mark:  Yeah, don’t tailgate at Weston Hills

I want my $250 back!

Feel free to share this with your friends, it’ll make them feel better! And follow the fun on Facebook!

BTW – it’s MARK WEEK here and on Facebook in honor of Mark and I making it to our 15th anniversary (almost) without one of us answering a lot of questions across the desk from a suspicious detective sitting in front of a two way mirror, I’ve been putting up some of my favorite MARK stories. 

(Note, he is usually annoying in them and always wrong, it’s not that he doesn’t do amazing thoughtful sweet stuff — it’s just that, that stuff isn’t funny.)You May Like: I Can Be Such a Bitch, But Sometimes My Husband Deserves It (At least, that’s what I tell myself).

XO  -Jenny From the Blog

51 thoughts on “My Husband is Cocky Stubborn and Relentless |What’s Wrong with Yours”

  5. Sherrie

    Oh, I too know a lot. I think we women are stubborn, but what’s with the no conscience thing? How do they not think of repercussions?

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Because they don’t focus long enough think repercussions… they’re ballsy aren’t they? I would tell you if you gave me the wrong change. If toilet paper were hanging from your shoe… if your nipple was peeking out your shirt in Old Navy (that article is here somewhere) to prove it.

  10. Cherie

    This was sooo funny, but sooo true. It’s something they are taught from birth. Deny, Deny, Deny and after that Deny again.

  14. Carol

    Holy crap, I came over from the Bloggess and you are hilarious. You’re on my list. Another Funny Jenny!

  15. Bari

    Mark makes a great argument. Hopefully it works and if it doesn’t, oh well, you deal with the consequences, but obviously his motto is “you NEVER hang or fire yourself (Trump would tell you that)! Generally speaking, men are just better at denials than we are, but when it comes to actually assuming we are correct in an argument…my husband would tell you I’m a pro…not my best attribute but, oh well, if it works…

  16. Jason

    Came over from the bloggess! I love love love your style. I read a few articles and you crack me up. I signed up for your newsletter!

    Cheers

  19. Edmund

    I loved this article and I love getting a chance to give the male POV. Baby, we’re just born this way. If we didn’t believe our own bullshit… who would?

  21. Shareen

    Jenny, I’m seriously laughing out loud. Dave and I have seen the broken gate so many times and we keep saying to each other “who are these a**holes who keep breaking our gates? hopefully we aren’t paying for that s**t!” Hilarious!

  27. Pingback: Links Out Loud…Blog, Write, Laugh & Live – Natalie Hartford

  30. Gail

    My husband thinks rules are “No parking, except for Steve” or “Speed Limit 55, except for Steve” and “Do Not Change Lanes, except for Steve”, and he doesn’t care if anyone might want to get into the turn lane while he sloooowly rolls toward the intersection where a red light is waiting for him. Turn signal? Steve needs no such thing! And it doesn’t just apply to driving rules, it’s rules in general. . .he doesn’t care if he leaves his shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at a busy grocery store. Lawn mowing or leaf blowing before 8 a.m. on Saturday? No problem! Stretching your legs into the airplane aisle? Sure!

    I’ll bring the shot glasses – where are we meeting?

  31. Cassandra

    Oh, my goodness. I am anxious just reading about this. Please tell me that you didn’t have to sit in the car suffering through this incident. I probably would’ve broken and run for cover.

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      If I were there I would’ve gotten out and stood with the policeman and stared they way all the people they did in Star Wars after they were dead and wanted to steer Luke away from the dark side. Did I just make a Star Wars ref? Did it make sense?

  32. Kristine

    Same husband, different name. My recent favourite is when I was pulled over. He gave me all sorts of advice on what to say which I promptly ignored because he has 5 tickets in the last three years. I drove away with a minor infraction for my honest polite approach (trust me, I deserved more).

  36. Liz

    This sounds so much like my dad- as a kid, he would constantly walk into places (like a concert, museum, etc), family in tow, without paying. And it had nothing to do with finances, he just felt like he didn’t need to.

  37. Suzi

    I can see my father in law doing something like this lol. My husband is quite stubborn but not quite that bad.

  39. Rorybore

    oh my hubby can be so argumentative. and when his whole family is gathered; good lawd it’s like the National Debate Finals. But that’s not about rules they break or like this situation. Oh no – they hit all the low stress no tension subjects like politics, religion and taxes. fun dinner times. :/

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