I had a mammogram this week. I have to get one every year; though tatas are small, there is miraculously room for fibroid cysts. My tech went so far as to comment on my boobies, saying they’re “perfectly perky.” Well, she said that after laughing aloud at the thought of getting my A’s to stay up on the shelf of the machine. My tech was crass to say the least, but her outrageous inability to filter actually shifted my focus and put me at ease.
After enjoying a good chuckle at my “cute and perkies,” my tech stuck on a set of beautiful nipple markers, which are stickers with silver balls that resemble starter earrings.
“Sorry, we’re all out of fringe,” she informed me, still getting a kick out of herself.
“Don’t worry, I have some at home,” I responded, doing the same.
As it turned out, she was right to laugh. The first time on the shelf, they slipped right out. The intense squeezing actually slung-shot them back towards my body.
“What? Did you butter those puppies?“ She asked, with a snort.
I ignored her, and rubbed my chest to stop the vibration that the ricochet had caused.
The second time she was more thorough and managed to get a couple ribs onboard, as anchors, I assume.
“Um, excuse me, is it okay that you have bones in there too?”
“Don’t worry. They won’t break.”
Squeeze, squeeze, squeezing harder. Shelf lifting. I raised myself onto my tippy-toes to avoid my bosoms being ripped clean off. More squeezing. CRUNCH.
“What was that, bone?”
“Alright, just one more squeeze.”
“Fine, but I think milk might come out.”
“Oh, are you breast feeding?”
“No.”
After flattening my boobs into pancakes, I felt like a cartoon victim of a falling anvil. I patiently waited for them to snap back, or for an animated squirrel to come along, stick in a tube and pump them up.There was no one. No squirrels, or skunks, or any other well-meaning rodents came to my rescue, so I shoved them back into my sports bra. This is what all the hype was about, what my friends are dreading? The relief of finishing the test was quickly cancelled out by the anxiety of knowing I had to wait for my results.
As I passed the waiting room, I noticed the same elderly woman shakily stick her nipple markers in a plastic baggy and into her purse, where they most likely sunk into an abyss of sucking candies, saltines, and sweet N’ low packets.
I imagined one kinky grandpa with a bottle of Viagra eagerly awaiting her return, and got a chuckle of my own. If your boobs hang down to your knees and grandpa‘s sight isn‘t what it used to be, you might need some assistance finding your nipples. That’s one us flat chested folk don’t have to worry about -gravity.
In the end, the findings revealed another benign cyst. I told my body it is not allowed to create so much as a zit without my permission. I will, however, still be at next year’s appointment in case my body disobeys my explicit instructions. I want the option of stealing nipple markers in about 70 years.
I could feel the pain. I’m still feeling it now. It’s not any easier if you have big boobs, there’s just more to squeeze tighter and tighter. I really think that the technician has to be a Sadist, because they so enjoy their work.
After 2yrs of having my 36 D’s squeezed in the Flatterner, I had them both cut off. Whew, no more cancer and no more mammograms for me!
Great. As if I wasn’t already freaked out enough by mammograms…
My breasts resemble, er, are actually water balloons, but not the kind I paid for, and um, they’re only about 1/4 full…
But I am sure the intense squeezing pressure will cause them to burst and I will have to pick all the pieces of my boobs up off the floor when it’s done. I think I would rather have another colonoscopy…
I am sharing too much.
Ding-dong.
“Who is it?”
“Plumber.”
“I didn’t call a plumber.”
“Uh…Mammogram…er…Candygram.”
“Oh, Ok.”
“Aaahhhhhh!”
Later…
“You can’t tell me that this woman was killed from falling out of a tree.”
“What is it?”
“Mammo-shark. Cleverest species of them all!”
What a cruel joke some man has bestowed on women. Yeah, let’s smoosh their ta-ta’s until they are perfectly flat. Then, even better, we’ll take a picture of them. Got my first one at 25. It hurt physically and it killed my ego. Yet, I still return.
So, exactly at what age do you have to start getting these? Not being sarcastic or offensive….it’s just that I’m 25 and I want to know exactly how long I can put this off before it’s too late and someone has to tell me, “SURPRISE…you have titty cancer.”
This is one of your funniest!! I hope it wasn’t too embarising — I could imagine you almost falling over backwards from that slingshot effect!
But can you imagine if men had to have their penis and testicles imaged by squishing them between two plates? You bet they’d invent a better method of examination!!
YUK, OUCH, SH-T, OOOOOOOCH
Gee, I didn’t get the earrings–but I did get pancakes! I think they broke down the fibers–perky before the test, cooper’s droop after.
ROFLMAO! Too, too true. And yes, if men had to take this test it would be designed to be more comfortable (and why DON’T men have some equivalent for their baggage?)
Hi Jenny,
That is a great post. I am going to link to it from my Wellness for Women site ( http://women-wellness-40.dailysite.com/info/ ) on March 13. There is a slight typo in the URL in your post above, which I didn’t realize until I pasted it into my browser and was taken to a dead link. Notice that there is a space between the 2 slashes in the URL in your post. Here is the correct URL: http://www.suburbanjungle.net/mammogram for those of you who want to read Jenny’s humorous telling of a very serious action we should all take.
On 3/5/09 7:29 AM, Jenny Baitch Isenman asked:
——————–
One for the ladies -Want pancakes? Have a mammogram.
http:/ /www.suburbanjungle.net/mammogram
A “flat out” look at the fun of having your boobs squeezed and your nipples marked by a strange woman… and paying for it.
-And a friendly reminder to do so.
No one ever died from preventative care. I have been trying to talk a friend into getting a mammogram for years, I wiil send this to her and every woman I know. I love your sense of humor!!!
This was an amazing article, I have read so many articles on the subject and this one takes the cake. I will share with all my girls!
To JEBrown: Unless you are high risk (it’s in your family, you are BRCA positive, etc.), it’s suggested you begin mammograms at 40.
On a serious note – please do get a yearly mammogram and be sure to do your monthly BSEs (breast self-exams). Or just have your 2 year old kick you in the boob. That’s how I found my lump…
But all’s good now! And I like my new ones!
The nonprof I founded has a fledgling website where you will be able to get more info on this stuff…www.pathofpink.org…it’s coming along, slowly but surely.
Did you ever wonder why there are no male mammogram techs?
They would NEVER do this unless they thought there would be swelling afterward.
Jenny – these are a riot! You have a great writing style! I laughed so hard, milk came out of my nose … and I’m not even drinking any!
What a different world this would be if we men had our own version of the mammogram — the testogram!
Jay
I was always on the fence about this issue it sounds so painful, but reading about it and seeing how all your commenters handle the subject with such humor makes me think its about time!!!
ROFLMAO! Great one Jenny–but you left out the second part…just when you think they’re done, they have to squash everything in the other direction! Men would never design a machine to do this to THEIR baggage!
Jenny,
I’d love to add this story to PaintVirginiaPink.com with your permission.
– Fran
LOL! Thanks for the moment of entertainment and a reminder to schedule my soon due mammogram!
ARGH! You would think that with todays technologicaladvancements they would have come up with a better method by now. In the past 20 years the only thing that has really changed is the size and shape of the machine. Can’t we get a “No Squash” mammogram already! mean my last one was so harsh that I actually leaked… my daughter is 3 and has not been nursed in 2 1/2 years. Geeze! They got out any left overs, thats for sure!
I have been to nervous to get a mammogram, I am 45 and still have not gone. You make me want to go! I thank you for writing this article. It makes me feel a bit silly.
Love love love this piece!!!
Loved your piece!
I’ve calling mammograms, smashograms for years.
Save the tatas! Thanks for the reminder.
Best,
Pierrette Mimi Poinsett MD
aka the Snapdiva http://snapdiva.blogspot.com
and the Yayayarndiva on ravelry.com
I wrote you what I wanted to say in private, but I will say on here. Girls, listen to Jenny and go get your mammos! She tells a funny story about a serious subject, and tells it well.
I second Tara!!! The whole thing seems scary and too painful to go through. I am such a wuss. Why can’t they invent something that doesn’t squish the heck out of you? I am going to do it, it seems like I should stop avoiding it.
BiT
This sounds crazy but I was sooo scared to get a mammogram. They seem so painful and I don’t have anyone in my family that has had any issues. I loved your article and it made me feel like it’s not such a big deal. So I am actually making my first appointment.
Thanks
Hi Jenny,
Just a reminder that we linked to this blog post today from Wellness for Women (http://women-wellness-40.dailysite.com/info/). We appreciate your giving readers a humorous but thoughtful reminder to get their annual mammograms.
Michelle
Thanks for all the kind words. I am so happy to see this getting passed around. I’ve already been told that it’s urged some women to bite the bullet. WOW! Way to go ladies.
Much Love,
Jenny from the Blog
Very funny! Thanks for the laugh!
But it beats not having one to squish.
The day of my first Mammogram, we ate pancakes for dinner with a Reeces cup. My kiddies loved it! Thanks for the laughs!
You Rock! You always inspire me and this is no exception.
B
Well written on the subject! This should be forwarded to every woman in your life!
Tom
You guys are amazing. Thanks for all the positive responses I’ve received both on the site and privately. I can’t believe the effect this article has had on many people. I am honored to be someone who has helped others to overcome fear!!!!
Jenny From the Blog
I sympathize with women. Breast cancer is a terrible illness and the tests that women must go through looks to be a horrendous and painful exercise. But after reading some of your comments, why is it that some of you seem to take it out on us men? We don’t particularly like it that women must go through the torture of mammograms. If there was a better way, we would gladly share it with women.
And to the woman who asks why there are no male technicians for mammograms? It’s because we can stand to see you suffer. We would prefer to caress your breasts, not hurt them.
oops….we CANNOT stand to see you suffer…..
Jenny,
I feel your pain (see pancakes)!! Thanks for sharing, I love your style!!!
Michel, don’t take it too personally about taking it out on men. Part of it is just kidding around.
But, being in the engineering profession, it just seems that most of thinking and technical innovations have predominately been from the male perspective. What we need is some brilliant women bio-medical engineers to invent a better machine for mammograms!
Jenny,
Great job. Humorous look at a very serious subject. Of course, we all know that humor can lighten the mood and help us get through some of the tougher moments in life. I’m sure you’ve done that for the ladies who read your column.
Being a man, I don’t feel at all squeemish about mamograms. A testicular touch or a colonoscopy prod is an entirely different question. But, that’s another story.
Gary
I couldn’t agree more Rachy.
Ladies, your prayers have been heard: http://carcino.gen.nz/images/image.phpi/0e1b900c/mammogram.jpg
Haa haa – I added your blog to my recommended blogs at http://amystakeon.blogspot.com/
Another good one Jenny.
That grandma in the waiting room sounds like the grandma I had.
Saved every darn thing she could get her hands on!