We Floridians are somewhat the butt of a running joke that the random, dangerous, and ass backwards things seem to happen here. Unfortunately, we tend to live up to this stereotype by constantly proving it true. People wonder why I’m such a neurotic mother and I’m beginning to wonder if my locale doesn’t have a smidgen to do with it.
For instance, it’s tough to deny that we live among some crazy prehistoric animals. From those massive dragon flies to the gators I’ve spotted around my lake doing their best George Hamilton impressions (did that reference age me?), to the panthers, to the poisonous frogs (Florida imported to kill our insect problem, which ended up killing peoples pets -great idea, Florida). I’ve seen mosquitos the size of a house cat and ominous turkey buzzards that make me shake in fear.
“If you take too long to cross, I will eat you!” Credit: NPS.gov
Yep, while much of the country looks out their windows to see scenic winter scapes with deer gracefully meandering about and awaits spring when the cute little bunnies hop in their yards, we look out our windows to find a lizard suctioned to the glass and staring us back, or catch a glimpse a possum (which may be the freakiest looking creature ever created) icily frozen in the headlights. I feel our local wildlife isn’t quite as majestic or of-this-Earth, and honestly, I’d like to trade. Though for the times I’ve showered with said geckos (and I have), I’m quite thankful we haven’t actually traded. As beautiful as deer may be. I feel like showering with one would take too much of the mystique away, also it would cost a fortune in shampoo.
We are also the state known for sending people out with guns (which they can purchase on a wink and a smile) to hunt them some python. I don’t know which is scarier the 12 foot pythons that are taking over the Everglades or the people that are all excited to shoot them? I would want to run into neither in a dark alley.
Though, to be fair, I’m thankful someone’s willing to take on that task, beyond thankful.
We’ve also been known to produce some cults. Last week I read about a doomsday cult teaching 9 year olds to carry guns for survival purposes. I’m teaching my 8 year old to carry the 1 … for subtraction purposes, is that not the same? Look, in my house we don’t get more dangerous than Nerf, but let me tell you — a suction cup between the eyes isn’t fun to pull off. Especially, if it has a little spit on it (that’s a family secret).
As if it wasn’t enough to concentrate on worrying about the local wildlife, the people out there shooting the wildlife, the extreme temperatures, the hurricanes, the sun damage, Tiger Woods, and the prehistoric bugs, we have sinkholes to worry about.
Really Florida? Sinkholes? So what you’re saying is even if I become an extreme agoraphobic (and I’m not ruling that out) I could be sucked into the Earth from my own home, while say, watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon?
I’m thinking of relocating.
PS- after writing this post I was reminded of all the times America’s Most Wanted are in Florida! Oh and I found this quote on Florida Traveler:
And look in the trees of South Florida where squirrel monkeys, vervet monkeys, and rhesus monkeys are playing. They look cute, but some are escapees from medical research centers.
Cute escaped research monkeys frolicking in the trees, and escaped convicts hiding out – Awesome…
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Image credit: NaplesNews and Florida Traveler
You forgot Love Bugs…and criminals on the run (ever watch America’s Most Wanted…always “last seen in Florida”?) and old people who can’t figure out how to vote…Oh how I love thee Florida!
Really!!!…you could live up northor out west and freeze your tooties off,get eaten by a bear, have floods or tornados. I want to know was the cop giving the alligator a ticket for jaywalking?
There’s a reason Fark has a special tag just for Florida. Crazy. While people up here complain about the cold, I thank the cold for killing off all the scary bugs, snakes, alligators who even think they can hack it in Minnesota.
Yes, it’s a fun place, but I don’t know if I could hack it in Minnesota!!!
All of that is pretty freaky, but the sinkholes freak me out the most. Kind of makes me glad I live where there are winters and the ground stays where it is.
I’m in the Pacific Northwest and gotta say there are days I’d trade all this rain in for a few gators. Maybe we could trade for a couple days. I have a possum living under my deck so you’ll feel right at home.
You forgot to mention drowning Jenny. Most of Florida is less than 12 feet above sea level. But then, Florida is also populated by lots of climate change deniers, some of the scariest creatures ever!
You forgot to mention our beautiful liquid sunshine, you know, rain when there are no clouds. I am also gonna guess you have yet to experience the thrill of red bugs, the tiny little red specks that burrow under your skin and make you itch like mad for days. This is a wonderfully magical state.
Perhaps what is most disturbing (and awesome) about the photo with the alligator is there is a KID on a bike still pedaling TOWARDS the alligator. And he’s not even riding his bike in a zig zag fashion, like you’re supposed to.
I would still take Florida over St. Louis anyway. In Florida you might get attacked by a python, but at least it won’t hold you up at gunpoint and steal your wallet too.
I agree, Florida seems like a nice place to visit. However, it’s April in Nebraska and I’ve been stranded at home twice in two weeks due to monsoon rain storms (following two years of drought we aren’t bitching about rain) that turn into blizzard/ice storms. Have you ever tried to drive on ice thats two inches thick?
Deer have become over populated to the point that they carry tons of diseases that will kill you. Last fall they were dying of Blue Tongue? Seriously, WTF? Also, with the drought we had brown-out dust storms, a ton of disease and GRASSHOPPERS from hell. You wanna talk prehistoric? Oh, and deer may look cute — they are NOT friendly, especially, I imagine, if cornered in a shower.
And then there is the wind. If it isn’t blowing then you should pretty much RUN for the basement ’cause you are in the eye of the storm baby.
Oh, and most of my friends not only own guns (plural times 5) but most of them have conceal/carry permits. Our Senators voted no because they knew they’d be shot if they returned having voted yes. On the other hand, we have less crime – I suspect because you know you stand a pretty good chance of catching a bullet between the eyes. At 40, I’m still not sure if thats a comfort or not.
Before reading this I thought Florida might be a fun family vacation destination…now I totally want to come there. Booking NOW!
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