“Well, Jenny cough again but harder this time,” said Dr. Pollen from her cushy position directly underneath me and looking up into my nether regions. How did the doctor get such a view, you ask? I was on a special type of birthing chair (one that was probably used in the 1600s as they inquired as to whether you were a witch). Not only was there barely any seat to hold me up, I was hoisted about 6ft in the air, so that the doctor’s assistants (or people with weird fetishes who pay to be called doctor’s assistants, as I like to call them) were looking my vajajay dead in the eye, ahem, the labia. The doctor then sat on her stool and literally rolled underneath me as if she was checking out my chassis. Which makes sense because she did mention the need for a tune up.
Why would one sit on such a chair without being dared or paid? Because apparently I have all kinds of prolapse (that’s stuff caving in and falling down, to you and me) and I’ve been totes ignoring my pelvic floor, which is weird because I’m pretty good about taking care of my floors … waxing the wood ones, cleaning the grout on the stone… Actually I do have a cleaning person, so it would’ve been weird to ask her to attend to my pelvic floor after say, vacuuming. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s let their pelvic floor slip through the cracks. Google says 40% of women are found to have stage II or greater prolapse upon pelvic exam. I read it on the internet people, so it must be true.
And yet, no one seems to discuss it. So, I am because A. “Vagina” is my favorite word to work into random conversation B. Doctors like to treat this issue with hysterectomies, which may not be necessary. C. If I pee on the floor while we’re having a conversation, you’ll already know why and we can just gloss over it and move on to the next topic.
I first noticed a problem when I could no longer comfortably wear tampons. Listen, you probably take tampons for granted, but the next time you use one, you should take a second to give it a pat on the applicator and say “thank you” because one day they may no longer be your friend and maxi pads are like the Kardashian’s of friends (you use them when there’s nothing else, but they mostly just annoy you).
I called and met with a couple doctors who frankly couldn’t wait to get their hands on my uterus. They were talking hysterectomy before the exam! This is when it dawned on me that either uteruses, (uterii?) are being sold to zombies on the black market or these doctors are collecting them to impress women.
Doc: (to random girl in bar) That’s so funny that you collect Limoge boxes, I collect another type of “box” (giggles) uteruses. Would you like to see my collection some time?
Random Girl: Um no (crosses legs tightly), I’ll pass.
Doc: Can I get your fallopian tubes, I mean your number?
RG: Um, I’m a lesbian.
Since all these MDs wanted to take my baby-making parts and run for the hills and I wasn’t gonna give ’em up without a fight, I looked into some alternatives and found you can start by strengthening the pelvic floor muscles and or you can do a surgery to put everything back in place first — and see how that goes.
That’s how I got to this doctor and into this chair, but fear not, I got me a vaginal trainer. In fact, she spent much of the morning under my vajay just yelling at it Jillian Michaels style. That must be step one. Then we’re on to DVDs, weight training, electro stimulus… I mean we’re getting my vag into fighting shape. I’m gonna enter it in arm wrestling competitions and maybe use it to pull a truck or something. I don’t want to get ahead of myself here but I’ll keep you posted on the progress.
If you’re suffering from some kind of prolapse (40% of you are) know that you’re not alone!
If you have no signs, you lucky girl, start doing those kegels that we all said we’d do and never really did, or one day some zombie will buy your uterus on Ebay!
(Look forward to the follow up of this piece which is tentatively titled My Vagina Will Be Up Your Vagina at The Playground.)
Join the Snark on Facebook
BE AWESOME, SHARE THIS WITH OTHER WOMEN
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO’S TOO SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT
That answered a lot of questions for me, because I ignore my floor too. Thanks!
We all ignore our floors sometimes. I got do a clean sweep. All puns.
OMG – loved it. Too darn funny and so very true.
Thanks Lori…
I always wondered why some yoga teachers spent so much time working your pelvic floor. I’m always like, “Why?” and they never answer with “Cause most of the people in here are mommies, and their kids ruined their shit.” Now I know.
Now we know why… I’m totally going to yoga!
Does your yoga trainer work on prolapsed mammory glands? I’d love some non-surgical alternatives for keeping the girls in place. I mean, besides bras & duct tape.
Wouldn’t we all Audra??? I’m going with the old chest squeeze trick “we must we must we must improve our bust… the bigger the better, the tighter the sweater, the boys are counting on us…
Immediately started doing levels as I read this. Might be the last time I do them, but it should count, right?
Totally counts!! I’m doing kegels as I write.
Kudos for meeting a problem head on and coming up with a solution that you are happy with. But, I’d just like to say that for 10 years I went through unspeakable pain and horror because my GYN was all about how horrible and unnecessary hysterectomys are. Long story short, I got a new GYN and shortly there after an Oncologist and I’ve been uterus free for a little over a year now. BEST thing I ever pitched in the trash — even considering the early menopause that came with the eviction of my ovaries (one was a bitch but the other was basically just in the wrong place at the wrong time).
Oh my Tressa – I’m glad you found something that works! I’m just trying to do a few things to see if I can avoid it. I’m at the beginning of the process so if I beef that thing up (oh bad phrasing) I may have a shot at keeping those organs in tact.
Dec 2011 I had surgery to repair my pelvic floor and a hysterectomy. I’m was 33 at the time. Best thing I have every done. But yes, Prolapse is something that no one wants to talk about, but I was tired of pissing myself when I would sneeze or laugh to much. My recovery time was quick because the Dr. performed the surgery with a robot. Just some puncture holes no big slices across my abdomen. She left my ovaries so I didn’t go into menopause, but no more periods are a great thing. Plus since you can’t get pregnant, you can have all the wild monkey sex you want without worrying!
I’ve heard people swear by it… I’ve also heard people who’ve had a lot of issues after. I feel like so far me and my uterus seem to be cohabiting nicely so I’ll keep her around if I can.
Thank you soooo much for talking about this…I thought I was the only one who couldn’t use tampons. I’m afraid to sneeze, and now I’m having prolapse of other parts, too. I’ve been too embarrassed/scared to bring it up to my GYN, or anybody else. I’m making an appointment today. I’m at the point where they could take my uterus as long as they left my ovaries….anything to stop the pain and embarrassment. Thank you!
OMG Brenda – That’s amazing that you’re doing somehting about it. You are not alone and there are things you CAN do. Usually I just remind people we’re all in this parenting thing together, so it’s nice when I can make a bigger difference… even if it means outing myself!
Thanks for the welcome to the pee pee club. We hope you enjoy the v-j work out. I’m sure you Gyn will appreciate your dedication to the sport.
I’m going to start a club at my YMCA how many moms do you think will join the beef up your veejay club? Maybe I should change the name?
I think now I’m glad I had a c section, so far things seem to be holding together well. I may never cough again however because that Michaels chick scares the crap out of me.
All I have to say is keep that Uterus between your legs… where it belongs. See who knew you’d be singing the praises of the C-section!
Oh god, that sounds really scary. I had c-sections, but I still have the occasional sneeze-pee. I think if I end up with a prolapse I’ll ditch the uterus all together. It’s not doing anything for me right now anyway.
LOL you could just leave it at a rest stop!
I’m pretty sure my uterus was sold on the black market. I only hope it fetched a lot of bucks. I recently posted a eulogy for “her. “By the way, I’m doing Kegels as I write this, I don’t want whatever else is still in there to fall out. Here’s the eulogy for my uterus, try not to laugh, you might pee: http://www.carpoolgoddess.com/farewell-my-uterus/
OMG That was hilarious, I laughed, I peed, I laughed, I peed, I may have peed more I can’t recall… That said, you should totes call your surgeon and ask for a cut… of the money I mean.
so when I sneeze and wet my thong, not only is it normal but now I have surgery, tampons sliding out of me during inopportune places and a new set of younger than my stepsister doctors to gaze into my cage & proclaim it DONE??
oh goody.
PS….
Can anyone recommend some doctors who aren’t part of a practice so large that no one calls you back until next Passover?? I really really really hate that.
I’d like to find a ob/gyn who has his/her own office, with no partners.
I’d be willing to travel anywhere in Fort Lauderdale for this….
At first I’m trying to imagine you, bottomless, up there on the lift, like they do to your car at the shop! I chuckled at the thought.
(At 6 ft. up, OSHA requires fall prevention devices, so I hope they provided you with that, least you slip off and do more damage to your floor!)
But, this happens, as you mention, to 40% of all women, but many have the same notion to ignore it, maybe wear a light pad in the event of a leak. But, I think it’s great that you shared this about yourself, and in doing it in a humorous manner, seems to have given some women the nudge they needed to tell their doctor about it. Good job!
Pingback: Seriously No One Was Going to Warn Me About the an@l Probe?! | The Suburban Jungle
Pingback: My Organs Are Spoiled Brats - The Suburban Jungle