Let me disband the rumors of my spousal abuse.

Yesterday’s post was short and sweet, well that may not be the right word, let’s call it upsetting. Apparently, some people were concerned about the spousal abuse I am inflicting on my husband. Let me clarify, I do not throw objects at Mark very often, ever really, except apparently the occasional salty miniature cracker; which by the way, he is perfectly capable of defending himself against. (He’s trained for such instances.)

The actual argument was over a little thing I like to call, my new rug. Don’t take that the wrong way, this is not about a Brazilian wax job. Anyone who knows me is aware of my mentally unstable cutting phase. Yes, I used to cut. I cut my beautiful shag carpet from its original 16×24 down to a 2×3 welcome mat. My last dog and one of my true loves, Buddy, got very old and equally incontinent. Look, as someone who pees a little each time I laugh, thanks to childbirth, a fallen cervix, and episiotomies, I have sympathy for the “incontinent,” but not so much when they pee on my rug. Buddy peed many too many times on that rug and so I got me a razor knife and went to town cutting out each pee. The odd angles made it look like a jigsaw puzzle and my family and friends, fearing for my sanity, and held an intervention. So, I threw away the welcome mat sized rug and retired my razor.

We then had this cold hard ceramic tile floor in our family room. My kids played on it, bumped their heads on it, rode their bikes on it, skinned their knees on it, and at night we all cuddled on it to watch American Idol. Then we peeled our sweaty legs off it to get in bed.

I finally gave in and bought a beautiful, currently discontinued, area rug with a link pattern from William Sonoma. The rug I describe is the very one that was being eaten by my new puppy on my husband’s first day alone with him. A day in which I reminded him repetitively, to his dismay, “to be with the puppy at all times or have him in the crate.” A day in which I forgot my pocketbook and returned a mere 20 minutes later to find my husband asleep in the bedroom and my puppy having a pricey wool link pattern sandwich. A day in which even after the incident he swore it was, “no big deal” and that I would’ve “probably done the same thing.” I can’t get mad at the dog, he’s just a puppy and puppies chew. Does the same rule apply to Mark because he’s just a husband and husbands are frustrating asses? Nah, I still have faith in men.

So, please don’t worry about Mark. I say he got off easy under the circumstances… next time I find something harder than puffed crackers, like Swedish fish or something sharper like pita chips!

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16 thoughts on “Let me disband the rumors of my spousal abuse.

  1. Lady T

    Doritos are excellent weapontry because they will leave a cheesy stain. If you aim just right you can get 3 orange triangles on each cheek. However, this takes much practice and a lot of anger energy. If you can work up that much anger you will have a GREAT laugh 3-4 days later! Of course it takes 3-4 days to get rid of all of that anger, so you have to ask yourself, “Do I really want to go there?” If not stick with the pita chips.

  2. Anne Louise Bannon

    Jenny – I feel your pain. Husbands who don’t listen are a blot on the universe, and yet, we still love them. And I think occasionally, throwing something that couldn’t possibly hurt him is not a bad option. It’s a gray area, though, and so many of us want to label things as one way or the other just because it’s easier that way. The problem, I believe, is that when we label everything as “abuse,” what is genuinely abusive gets lost in the shuffle.

    Now, if your close friends were gently suggesting you have a problem with anger, or if your posts were regularly filled with name-calling and other abusive language, then the commenters might have a point.

    Anne Louise Bannon

  3. Alison

    I would love to have read the notes that were actually concerned for Mark’s well being. My G-D people these are oyster crackers for f**k sake—I mean, I could understand if they were the oyster-ball variety, but the crackers…PLEASE! I am so glad that you, Jenny, fessed up about Mark’s inability to take care of a puppy for 20 freaking minutes. I have yet to allow my husband to spend more then a few minutes alone with my, oh I mean, our dog. If I am going to be out for a good amount of time, I actually call in our pet sitter to walk, feed, and give fresh water to our pooch, for fear that I come home to a dead dog! I know we all love our men to pieces but at times they can really test our patience, sanity, and good-hearted nature! Too funny Jenny, and by-the-by, I think this means that once the puppy is house-broken, a new, gorgeous, oriental rug should look beautiful in the spot where the eaten one is now!!!

  4. Barry

    I sent this revision/explanation to Marks lawyer and he will have the warrent recinded. I sympathize with you, delegating, and feel I might have the same problem with people I know. It’s not a gender thing. Play nice!! Love your latest writing.

  5. Bari

    I just saw an article in Pyschology today that said if a woman has a problem with a man it may just be her problem…Well I say NAH! I’ve got a husband, I know whose problem it is.

  6. Insanitykim

    OK I have to admit I read the last two posts and all I can remember is that you said Swedish Fish. Because, I love, nay, LURVE Swedish Fish and no one in my immediate vicinity knows what they are. Except the guy at Rite Aid. ‘Cause I buy the 9 dollar 10 pound bag, with my jug of sangria, every week.

    Please throw Swedish Fish at me. I’ll chew on your rug if I need to.

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  8. Susan Winlaw

    Loved the story and I can totally identify to the carving up an area carpet because of a beloved pet’s pee. Our old and senile cats had gotten this way several years ago. And I would rather cut out the pee from an area of carpet than have them put down. We were able to give them lots of love and hugs until major illness ended their lives. But a little pee is nothing to be concerned about.

    Chewing up the new wool carpet – certainly not the puppy’s fault. Husband needs chastising but he knows the financial outcome of his forgetting to crate the new arrival when he wanted to doze off. I like the bag of oyster crackers idea best.

    Hugs and be Safe Driving always……[email protected]
    May you have a wonderful weekend with no stress. S>

  9. Terrena Shea

    He’s lucky he didn’t get a frying pan upside the head. Good for you for showing restraint!

  10. jen

    Oh my! you are taking heat for crackers and here I am threatening to squirt mine with breast milk..then there is the occasional middle of the night pillow smack (I’ve convinced him he’s dreaming shshshsh! Don’t tell!). Not to mention offering to poison my friends’ cheating husbands. I hope he doesn’t press charges!

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  12. Laurie

    I just grab my husband fast with both hands to get his attention and show how tough I am. Of course, he’s 6’5″, but he gets a good laugh out of it.

  13. Vanessa D.

    I can’t judge your husband on this one. Years ago my children peeled up my kitchen floor tiles while I was napping. I’m on your side though because throwing crackers is never spousal abuse – you’re just feeding the poor man.

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