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Last week, I went on a girls weekend to the Canyon Ranch to celebrate my 40th birthday. Not that I feel that particular birthday needs a lot of attention, but it seemed like a great excuse to spend savings that should be going towards Botox, anti-aging creams and um, groceries. As you can imagine, we were a rowdy crew, 7 girls on South Beach blowing lines and partying with the Kardashians. Oh, I mean blowing off our reservations at trendy restaurants and sitting around in our robes talking about all the things that could kill you.

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Yes, that was the talk of much of the weekend. One of us would suggest an idea to make life easier, to make ourselves look younger, or to make our homes look better — and another one of us would slam it back with an explanation of why this idea was horrible and potentially lethal.

It got so bad, we began to sarcastically disparage every suggestion like: “You’re going for a walk on the beach? Beaches are toxic, if you don’t come back I get dibs on your stuff.” “You want appetizers before the main course? Be careful, I hear appetizers are linked to rickets.” “Champagne are you sure? Drinking champagne will totally make your arms to fall off.”

I know, you’re jealous, as we sound like a bunch of fun loving, young, hip mamas grabbing life by the horns. Duh, YOLO, right?  The warnings below are real, just don’t quote me on the effects.

Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being conscientious and it will also give you smallpox… Continue reading →