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Last week, I went on a girls weekend to the Canyon Ranch to celebrate my 40th birthday. Not that I feel that particular birthday needs a lot of attention, but it seemed like a great excuse to spend savings that should be going towards Botox, anti-aging creams and um, groceries. As you can imagine, we were a rowdy crew, 7 girls on South Beach blowing lines and partying with the Kardashians. Oh, I mean blowing off our reservations at trendy restaurants and sitting around in our robes talking about all the things that could kill you.
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Yes, that was the talk of much of the weekend. One of us would suggest an idea to make life easier, to make ourselves look younger, or to make our homes look better — and another one of us would slam it back with an explanation of why this idea was horrible and potentially lethal.
It got so bad, we began to sarcastically disparage every suggestion like: “You’re going for a walk on the beach? Beaches are toxic, if you don’t come back I get dibs on your stuff.” “You want appetizers before the main course? Be careful, I hear appetizers are linked to rickets.” “Champagne are you sure? Drinking champagne will totally make your arms to fall off.”
I know, you’re jealous, as we sound like a bunch of fun loving, young, hip mamas grabbing life by the horns. Duh, YOLO, right? The warnings below are real, just don’t quote me on the effects.
Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being conscientious and it will also give you smallpox…
- Don’t get new carpets — they have toxins like petroleum, and VOCs which can cause you to lose arguments with your spouse.
- Write everything by hand — laser printers emit particles that promote lung disease and may give you “the clap”.
- Never write anything by hand it causes carpal tunnel syndrome and makes your teeth crooked.
- Don’t use fabric softener, it’s toxic and makes you crave bubble baths and long walks on the beach.
- Avoid all bottles with BPA they interfere with your hormones and your ability to solve complex math equations.
- Don’t eat anything off your kids plates, you’ll get heart disease and a toy prize.
- Ladies, must work-out one hour per day after 35 or you’ll gain a pound per year and lose at Bunco.
- Non-stick pans will kill your bird and give you bird flu.
- Don’t drink OJ unless you squeeze it yourself, it’s been irradiated. I don’t know what that does but it will probably turn you into a super villain whose Achilles heel is juice boxes.
- Don’t wear lipstick, it contains lead which is toxic and probably causes rickets.
- Don’t eat things from a can they have carcinogenic BPAs which will make you want to impersonate Ethel Merman.
- Don’t eat things from a farm they have pesticides which will give you diarrhea and x-ray vision.
- Don’t eat things from a store they have preservatives which will make you sick and make your dog hate you.
- Just don’t eat period! But don’t drink either, that’s been linked to liver disease, obesity and beer goggles.
- Don’t get near any of these things, they’re said to be carcinogenic and may give you soap opera style amnesia: Sharpies, plastic-ware with the numbers 3, 4, and 7, microwaved Styrofoam or plastic containers, and pretty much anything you can buy, smell, eat, or see.
- Don’t be healthy, fish oil probably has heavy metals, which means Ozzy Osbourne will come to your house and bite off your head.
- Have a date night once a week or your marriage will fail and you’ll become a cannibal.
- I took one out because I heard that reading lists that go to 19 can be lethal. You’re welcome.
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Well, I guess the bottom line is, don’t do ANYTHING.
Ever.
Anywhere.
And whatever you do, don’t stress over this list or anything else for that matter, because stress is linked to like every bad thing out there from wrinkles to heart attacks to an inability to figure out the tip after dinner.
Orrrr, screw it and go skydiving it’s pretty much as risky lying in your bedroom and getting sucked in by a sinkhole.
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I don’t blog anymore. I don’t read blogs anymore. I don’t do anything. But I read this. And I laughed. A lot. I am pretty sure that is good for me, but I might have an hernia now from laughing. Why is everything a catch 22???
Also, I used voice recognition to post this. So, I protected my eyes from the screen radiation, and my hands from carpal tunnel, and the e-coli on my keyboard. However, now I am totally paranoid that my computer is going to kill me. My blood pressure is soaring and I think I have gum disease.
That second paragraph was all a lie. I am pretty sure that because I lied I now have bunions.
Love ya! Keep being famous!
Insanity Kim is that you? I can’t tell I’m trying to stay at least twenty feet from my screen and I’m dictating to my cat (excuse and misspelled words, woul you?) if it is you, you’ve been missed but I hear missing people give you Gout so ill try to stop!
I try not to do anything or touch anything for that matter cause I don’t want to get anything, other than a pair of great shoes but certainly not if someone else tried them on first.
LOL I’m with you. I’m sure shoes will somehow kill you, but you’ll look great until such day!
These days everything’s going to kill us….whatever I enjoy your posts so keep writing!!!!
Thanks Becky I’m glad you’re enjoying… though I hear enjoying other people’s writing will give you Gonorrhea.
Funny
No. 17 sounds pretty rational. But my theory – to which I am clinging for dear life: chocolate cures everything. Oh, and pomagranate seeds.
Everything except cannibalism.
True chocolate is helpful. I don’t know if you’re aware, but they make pom seeds dipped in dark chocolate. I think they call them antibiotics. Well, if they don’t call them that, they should!
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This made me laugh so much! My mother should read this. Well, no she shouldn’t. She’d take it all to heart. She has her “fad of the month” club where she has some random thing you should or should not do to ensure a happy, healthy life and not doing it will cause you much grief (plus give you the clap, rickets, and dirty shower grout, which sounds like sauerkraut but isn’t). She’ll drone on and on about how I need to start doing or stop doing whatever it is immediately. I’ve learned to play along and ensure her I will. The trick is to remember whatever it was next time she calls so you can be sure to tell her that you are/are not doing it. Whew. BTW, I’m pretty sure mothers cause shingles, hair loss, and toenail fungus or at least a strong desire to hang oneself.
Yes, I forgot what mothers cause… a need for therapy in later life oh and rusty French.