OMG, I have to tell you guys something. I often turn to my iCarly diary with my darkest secrets, but this one is just too juicy. Here goes… I slept with Tiger Woods. You guys are probably freaking out, as Tiger’s reputation has been sooo perfect up until now. Let me be the first to tell you, he’s not the squeaky clean Jonas Brother, he pretends to be.
Our affair was rather recent. I must confess, he was passed out when I met him. Sadly, that’s not the first time I started an affair with an unconscious man. The other time was when this guy was hit by a subway car and I went to visit him in the hospital. His family showed up and took me for his fiancé. I went along with it because I was lonely and it was the holidays. Eventually, he woke up and I married his brother. Oh wait, that wasn’t me. DUH.
Anywho, with Tiger it was different. He was admitted to the hospital (where I am a candy striper) after a rather harsh battle with a fire hydrant. –See, it’s different already. It appears he and his wife play late night golf and he took his car to search for a stray ball, when the confrontation occurred. I can only imagine how far one of Tiger’s balls can fly (well, I don’t have to imagine anymore). –That was a sex joke, in case you didn’t catch on, LOL.
As it turns out, it was lucky that his wife was caddying for him, as she was able to use his iron to pull him from the wreck and beat off the fire hydrant. I didn’t even know fire hydrants could come to life, but I saw this movie about a car named Christine and she came to life. So, I guess anything’s possible.
Tiger even promised me a signed Fat Head of his best friend MJ. I can’t believe he can get in touch with Michael Jackson, but after the stint with the fire hydrant, I can see Tiger’s special. Other people can see it too. He also had sex with my friend Luanne who mops the floors. And then Gertie, who resides in the nursing home area. Oh, and Becky who was in the pediatric unit to have her tonsils out. I ran into him wandering around the Nursery. He says looking at the babies calms him. I get it, they’re so sweet and innocent.
I confronted him about all those other girls, but he said, “don’t worry honey, you’re my hole in one.” He said if we do it enough I can be his “double bogey.” I don’t know anything about the golf but the nicknames sure are cute. Oh yeah, he made me swear I’d never tell… Shit.
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THERE ARE NO WORDS………..HYSTERICAL………..LOVED IT………..YOU ROCK BABE…….:)
This was great. He will never live this down. I don’t know will you?
just kidding. I just heard this one, Tiger’s new name is Cheetah. Keep them coming, maybe you’ll make google.
Dollars to donuts I’ll bet he was sleep-driving on Ambien.
You need to get out of the ‘burbs 🙂 Funny stuff.
Funny post! It really is sad and pathetic. He had such a great thing going…it would be nice if his character lived up….
The moral of the story is, don’t give bad news to your significant other when there are golf clubs within easy reach.
Funny!
I slept with him too, it was a loooong time ago….wait now that I think about it…that wasn’t him! Whew, it’s good that I thought that one through. I almost went to the media with my story. Maybe I’ll go to them anyway, it’s such a good story. Why let it go to waste?!
So funny!!!
Funny you should mention Tiger Woodie. I slept with him too. What a letdown. I should have stayed with my friend The Marquis. Unfortunatel his wife Mrs Se Sade also objected. I think I’ll stay with my wfe.
I was hoping a guy would write this, but for some reason I wasn’t expecting it to be YOU!
Tiger certainly lived up to his sexy name. You didn’t
think they called him that for nothing… Oh, of course
you didn’t, you know how he earned it!
WHAT……PVD……SAID!
Second paragraph had me laughing out loud. You sooo went there! *high fives Jenny, followed by gangsta handshake*
BIG FAN….. 🙂
Most amusing. For a follow-up, perhaps you could be a writer on the Letterman show and see what develops.
All the best from England,
James
x
that’s what you get for living in the jungle–you have to watch out for the predatory cats!
Does it count that I sacked out on the couch while my husband was watching Tiger’s tournament? If so I’ll bet there are hundreds of “golfing widows” that have slept with Tiger!
like amy, i think the idea of starting an affair with an unconscious man is an inspired idea. any relationship always works better if one person remains unconscious!
falling for an unconscious man was called “the florence nightingale effect” by “doc” in “back to the future.” there are definite advantages when the man can’t speak or act obnoxious. a great way to start a relationship or affair!
Who is Tiger Woods?
And, isn’t it cool I mentioned MJ in my comment on the post after this, but like, before it, sort of? Then I came here and saw you mentioned MJ too? As I work my way backwards, and into a hole? With stupid comments?
I am still playing with time travel. Bet that Tiger guy would love to borrow my time machine…
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I’m wondering if Tiger is the new “national scapegoat” like Michael Jackson was. Back when George Bush was president, there would be a “Michael Jackson is a freak/a felon/a pervert” story every few months. If you paid attention, it became obvious that those stories always occurred when we were doing something as a nation that we didn’t want the American press to notice — escalating a war, watching another cabinet member run from office in disgrace, or covering up an embarrassing presidential guffaw. The mass media in America is so lazy and stupid they follow whatever propaganda is spoonfed them, and if it has “Lindsey,” “Britney,” “MJ,” or “Tiger” associated with it, it will lead headline news. Now that Michael is gone, Britney is sober and Lindsey is a “has been,” we have to have someone to kick around. Sadly for Tiger, I think it’s “Tag, he’s it!” Watch the trend though — next time you see a Tiger Woods is a male ho story, turn to BBC and see what America is up to in Iraq or at a global warming conference or somewhere else. See if you don’t see a correlation…
Interesting thought. I remember hearing that about OJ, though I still think he was guilty as hell. I’ll have to watch for the phenomenon… but it won’t make me stop sleeping with Tiger… or OJ for that matter!