Tag Archives: Jenny Isenman

What Those V-Day Candy Sweethearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage Edition

I’ve had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my 5yo trying to soap opera kiss me to my hubby trying to stuff himself and champagne into an undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my dauther telling me, I make her want to “puke of love”. That said, I’ve decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.

As I picked up a pack of those V-Day conversation hearts (the candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME…), I thought, this is anything but realistic phrasing. Those sayings are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I made a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you.

WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:

HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE

YOU WANNA PUT WHAT, WHERE?

COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?

I’M PREGNANT … PSYCHE

R THOSE UR TOENAILS? Continue reading →

Getting Back at the In-Laws – a Thanksgiving Tradition

happythanksgiving 2 Let’s face it, sometimes in-laws can drive us crazy. Mine love to whisper in front of me in a rather loud rendition of a whisper… (among other things).

But on Thanksgiving I get them back, or should I say, “I give it back” and isn’t that the point of Thanksgiving … the giving? Yes, it’s a Thanksgiving tradition.

You see, I’m a poultry-phobe. I fear fowl, and when cooking it, I’m usually convinced that poultry is simply a bunch of salmonella clumped together in the shape of wings, breasts, turkeys etc. You know, like the way meat was shaped for the McRib? In fact, whenever I see a picture on Facebook where someone has stupidly stuck an entire raw turkey on their head (and I’ve seen a few), I assume they are going to die. Continue reading →

Camp Phone Calls Could End My Marriage

Who knew the highly anticipated camp phone calls could be such a blow to a relationship? Oh well, when my baby is 1500 miles away from home, and I get a few minutes to talk — It’s every man, ahem mom, for herself!

Camp Phone Calls Could Ruin My Marriage #camp #sleepaway #humor

It’s sleepaway camp time and everyone is getting their calls from the kiddos. I’ve found a pattern, in that I desperately want to strangle my husband after each call. Luckily for me (and not so much my husband), I’m apparently not alone.

Look, us moms are ready. We’ve stayed up until the wee hours waiting for the pictures to download — sometimes hitting “refresh” every minute, (and by minute I mean second) as they download one at a time. We’ve studied them like highly trained CIA agents, analyzing their smiles, their friends, their body language. Continue reading →

iCan Not iStand the Apple Store

i Have an iLove iHate Relationship with the Apple Store. (A little Apple Store humor for frustrated customers who really kinda love that place, like me.)

Last week, I took a trip to the Apple store. Oh, the Apple store. It’s like a Dylan’s Candy Bar for adults. Like it’s namesake, in the Garden of Eden, or in the hands of Snow White’s evil stepmother, APPLE was so inviting… so enticing. There it was, in all of its overcrowded, 8 gazillion watt minimalistic splendor. Continue reading →

12 Ways Saturday Night is Different After Children – Then vs Now

Saturday Night Before Kids vs After While my washer and dryer were hard at work and my dishes were in the final rinse cycle, the ball dropped to ring in the New Year.

I had just called my kids in to watch the countdown while simultaneously thanking my lucky stars that J and Ry had missed the pre-New Year’s performance Miley gave, where she awkwardly cradled/fondled a midget, while she donned a pair of upper-vagina-accentuating gold sequin pants that did her bod no justice and oddly reminded me of what Molly Shannon would wear when she kicked and yelled, “I’m fifty,”

After wiping the sweat off my brow, emptying my glass of champagne, and making a mental note to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I blew my hubby (who was sick and spent the night matching me shot for shot with a bottle of Nyquil) a kiss and then shooed our guests out the door before the clock hit 12:01. (PS I just realized I should have saved the parenthetical in the middle of “blew my hubby a kiss” until after I completed the sentence. Poor guy — only gets it in a grammatical error.)

Anyhoo, it dawned on me, New Years used to be a romantic night (see When Harry Met Sally) … so did Birthdays, Anniversaries … Saturdays. Some of those events still are, but most of those would-be enchanted evenings have been replaced with J’s travel baseball, taking Ry to the movies, and trips to an arcade and a gourmet burger joint.

I recently analyzed the not so subtle differences in what I found hot before marriage and after marriage and now it’s time to take a good hard look at the evolution of the date night. Then vs Now:
Continue reading →

10 Reasons I Can’t Be The PERFECT Mother

Reasons I cant be the PERFECT mom As the holidays and New Years roll around, I’m reminded of how insanely crafty and on the ball some moms can be. They make peppermint bark and post things on Pinterest that look professionally done. They make perfectly decorated cookies and design splendorous holiday scenes and dioramas. Really? a diorama???

Look, I have my moments, but I’m speaking of a specific mom we all know, the “PERFECT Mother.” She’s president of the PTA, she plans all the fundraisers. She bakes homemade goodies from scratch for bake sales. She has a position on every board. She recommends who should be room mom to all the teachers and you can pretty much call her for any bit of information. I like to joke that if you need anything changed, explained, or rerouted, you could call her and it would get done with meticulous speed and accuracy.

“Could you tell me how the Facebook algorithms work?” “How many reformers will they have at the new Pilates studio?” “Will I have to take a connecting flight on my trip to Utah?”

I also like to imagine that she walks around with a Tide Stain Stick, righting the wrongs of the slovenly.

As much as I would like to be involved in every facet of my child’s life, and on top of every box top collected or Fun Run ran, I will never ever be that chick and there are a multitude of reasons why. Here are a few: Continue reading →

22 Little Things My Husband Does That Annoy The Crap Out of Me

annoying things about husband 2 ecard For better or worse … that’s what we agreed to, right? Who new when we signed up for this by saying “I do,” that our mates would become so annoying?

Sure, we love them, but let’s face it, when you live with someone day in day out for what feels like an eternity, the little quirks that were once endearing, or at least easy to ignore, can become somewhat irritating, exasperating, irksome, maddening, and grating. Have I said too much?

Last week, my husband — who has pretty much no idea how to use most of the items in our home or where we keep them for that matter — screamed from the kitchen (after having a tooth extracted), “Hey honey, where do we keep the saltwater, or do we not have any in the house?” I was tempted to send him to the store to futilely search for a bottle o’ saltwater simply to avoid dealing with the ridiculousness of that question, plus I needed time to think of reasons I love him.

Instead, I made you this list of annoying things husbands do (well, mine at least), for the purpose of female bonding and personal sanity… Continue reading →

6 Awesome Non-Surgical Options to Get Rid of Stubborn Fat (Available Now and Coming Soon)

body contouring blog post Everyone loves to tell you how to get rid of stubborn fat, like it’s so easy. “Put down the donut.” “Go to the gym.” “Be less stressed.” “Drink 30 gallons of water each day.” “Get 23 hours of sleep.” “Cut out carbs.” “Do cardio all day, everyday.”

There, now you have everything you need to get thin and svelte. You’re welcome.

So, what are you waiting for? Have you lost any of that fat yet? No? How about now? Still no? Sheesh, you’re lazy!

Oh, you have a life and you’re busy? What, you work? You have kids and they have busy lives too? You’ve tried all that stuff and realized that after having babies and dealing with the Earth’s gravitational pull for so many years; there are certain areas or pockets of fat that no amount of sit-ups, juice fasts, miracle creams, or vitamins can fix?

Why didn’t you say so? Because we’re not having an actual conversation, you say? Got it, I also get that these areas you speak of (well, I’m speaking of) contain the kind of bulge that doesn’t like to budge. So, what’s a gal to do? (I imagine you asking.)

Well, I researched like a maniac for column at SmartBeauty, and holy crap, there are a ton of options and they seem to be getting better by the minute. They’re already using fat dissolving injections and I’m pretty sure, at this rate, we’ll be able to eat a fat dissolving candy bar within the next decade, maybe within the hour (I should try a candy bar and see if it works).

Here are the best FDA-Approved options currently available from Cool Sculpt, to ultrasound, to radio frequency to new injections.

I Miss the Smell of Snow – A Floridian Gets a Bit Nostalgic – Wanna Trade?

I miss the smell of snow... I’m aware that living in South Florida, has its perks. Our kids can play outdoors all year round. Our spring/summer wardrobe can be extensive and therefore chicer than most people’s spring/summer wardrobes, and one could do an outdoor hot yoga class 2/3rds of the year ….

Plus, I love being able to mention the weather to my Northern friends for the sole purpose of making them jealous. However, there’s one time of year when I’m truly bitter that I live in a season-less paradise of outdoor fun, and that’s wintertime. I haven’t seen snow on Christmas for well, about a decade.

Growing up in the North, there was nothing like the joy of waking up to a layer of snow. I recall Continue reading →

21 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids To Stay Sane

21 lies moms tell

Last Sunday, as we drove home after a long baseball tournament in a heavy downpour, my kids suggested we continue this tedious day and go see a movie. Frankly, my eyes were closing just thinking about my cozy bed and if I wasn’t the one driving, I think I would’ve passed out cold.

Me: “Um, sorry guys that’s a great idea, but they don’t show movies after 8PM on Sundays. Maybe tomorrow.”

Yes, I’m always quick to throw out a creative, well placed lie. my daughter paused for a quick sec to access the statement, and confident in its validity, went back to whatever she was playing my iPhone. My son went back to his phone too. After a short pause, he said, “Yes, they do, there’s an 8:25.”

Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I had left!

I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Moms lie! We do — Continue reading →

A Tale of Two Titties – Mine (A Hilarious Breast Cancer Awareness Month Tale and Reminder)

After a lump scare in my late-20′s, I learned that all lumps are not the C-word and it’s totally okay to get to 2nd base with yourself!

Let me tell you a tale, a tale of two titties (oh, how that word makes me cringe, but it’s so much better for the pun)…

After finding a pea sized lump and getting a needle biopsy, I was told that like the several million other young women with fibrous breast tissue, I would be required to get a yearly mammogram and ultrasound.

I’d heard horrible tales of the mammogram and it’s crushing pain. I feared the impending torture and dreaded that, what little my child bearing and breastfeeding had left unscathed, would be permanently altered.

By the time my appointment had rolled around, the fear of having something less benign than a fibroid cyst had started to set in, as well. If I can produce one kind of growth with no knowledge of it, why can’t I produce another kind?

While contemplating in the waiting room, I saw a woman, not a day under 100. OK, if she can do this, so can I, I thought, resigned to get through this. Continue reading →

5 Things Gen X-ers Did Growing Up That Our Children Just Wouldn’t Understand

5 things 80s kids did growing up I recently made a list of crazy things Gen X-ers used growing up that are completely antiquated now.

It reminded me of the conversations I would have with my older relatives when I was growing up. The ones where they would tell these fantastical tales about things my generation would never experience or understand. Like, walking 20 miles to school … in the snow … uphill … shoeless. Or running into gypsy bandits that lived in the woods near their house or even sitting around the radio to listen to their stories.

Those sagas seemed so ridiculous to me (exaggeration aside), and yet, I’m pretty confident that my tales of growing up as a Gen X-er would sound equally ridiculous to my own offspring. Yes, I imagine these are the yarns I will spin as my kids grow up and they have kids of their own.

“Well, youngin’s, you think you’ve got it tough with your Facebook and your Google and your iParaphernalia? Why, in my day, we had to …” Continue reading →

The Suburban Jungle

Jenny from the Blog is like comedy crack, but more addictive and less wack.