I’m not usually this “cursy,” but I couldn’t resist! mwahahaha….
Now you may be asking yourself, “What is a Tourettes card and why would one want such a thing?” Well, it’s a card some people with Tourettes Syndrome carry and hold up, in the event of an inappropriate outburst.
Once I learned such a thing exists, I kinda couldn’t help but think of the powers one could wield with it (if it got into the wrong hands). I mean, it pretty much gives you carte blanche to speak your mind with no recourse. That’s better than some other great cards one can obtain like: a get out of jail free card, a marriage “hall pass,” and a Saks gift card with no limit!
Now, please understand I get that Tourettes is serious and I would never wish it upon anyone, this is just an imaginary scenario of what one could do with a card for say, a couple hours.
(insert squiggly dream sequence lines here)…
At the playground:
You: “Excuse me, is that your kid throwing sand? He’s a real asshole, huh?”
Mother at park: “I’m sorry, WHAT?”
You: “No offense, (Flash Your Card).”
Mother at Park: “Oh, none taken. He is an asshole (nervous laughter).”
At theme parks:
You: “Mickey, you douchemonkey, stop hugging my kid. The shaking and screaming he’s doing means your big-ass head is scaring him!”
Mickey Mouse: “Pardon me?” (Please read his parts in the mouse voice.)
You: “Sorry, (Flash Your Card).”
Mickey Mouse: “Oh, well then, hope to see yaa again reeeal soon.”
To confront your child’s bully:
You: “Listen asshat, in 2 short years you’ll be a loner riddled with acne, PS touch my kid again and I’ll f@ck you up.”
Bully: “I’m gonna tell my mother you said that.”
You: “Go ahead pissface, I have a Tourette’s card.”
Bully: “Never mind.”
At the movies:
You: “Edward you cocksucker, stay away from the Volturi, they want to kill Renesmee!”
Disgruntled Moviegoer: “Quiet lady.”
You: “I’m so sorry, (Flash Your Card)… But seriously Bella, Renesmee? What the f@ck kinda name is that?”
Once Disgruntled Moviegoer: “I agree lady.”
At your husband:
You: “You don’t know where we keep the strainer, dickwad? We’ve lived here for 8 years!!! … So sorry, honey (Tourettes card).
Hubby: “Sweetie, I love you.”
You: “I love you too motherf@cker.”
And lastly, the ultimate use: At the refs at your kids games …
You: “What the f@ck Ray Charles, my kid was clearly safe! Squeegee those glasses ballsac-ajawea!”
Ref: “You’re outta here, lady.”
You: “Oh, did I say that out loud? (Flash Your Card).”
Ref: “Oh, I’m sorry… in fact your son was safe… I’ll try harder next time.”
I think I’ve clearly proven a card like this could come in handy. I mean, look how nicely people seem to respond to the profanities you yelled at them (in my made up scenarios). OK, I’ll go in for the laminating machine, send your requests to my P.O. Box.
Oooooo, I really need me one of these. Sign me up.
I want one of those cards too! ASAP!
Brilliant! I could use that on my customers.
“You want a half strength decaf soy latte? Sure thing fuckstick, you do realise it’s gonna taste like hot piss right?”
*flashes the card.
I love that!!! Just remind me never to be your customer. You would have a lot to say about a half caf no fat no foam 140 degree latte, right????
I think that might come in handy in lots of other situations that have nothing to do with kids.
Who needs a card…I do this all the time. Maybe that is why everyone veers away when they see me walking toward them. Huh—maybe this card is a better option that me just shooting my mouth off when the wind blows in another direction. Love ya Jenny—you always keep me laughing!
Thanks Al… I think you may be a perfect candidate!!!
Amen! Why hide behind the card. It’s kinda like an addendum to the Golden Rule. If you’re behaving like an asshat, I have the option to call you an asshat.
Lets hang
I don’t see why you need a card to say those things. I’m not a mom but I lost my filter along with my virginity back in high school. I wrote a blog a few days ago regarding children but I feel I will say all of those things sans card. However, this card could keep me out of jail and serve dual purposes! Best. Idea. Ever
Germy Fucks and Why I’m Not Mature Enough to Have Children
http://bloggingwench.weebly.com/the-dumbest-thing-youll-read-today.html
You crack me up. I would enjoy hearing your rants with or without card.
Hilarious! Send me one STAT!! And BTW, love your new “look” here…
Like I say to the bill collectors… it’s in the mail! PS thanks for noticing my readers are like my husband, no recognition of the changes I make.
I say F$@k the card. Just let it rip… Some instances deserve an inappropriate response! Oh, oops, is this one? Sorry!
See once you open the flood gates it’s hard to close them back up!
Douchemonkey? Hysterical! I love learning new words! Thanks Jenny!
Btw, make me one of those too! Will come in handy at the next Seder!
Wow, I wanna come to your house for Seder.
Ballsac-ajawea. THANK YOU.
If people believe in things like Santa and Kardashin marriage, they will clearly buy this! Think of the money! And, when one is really rich (from what I hear) the can say whatever they want and the best part is that people will agree with them! SOLD!
Girl, I spent my 20s saying “excuse me, that was the Tourettes talking”. Thanks for the post!