Living is South Florida has taught me this: If you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach, but if you wanna feel like Giselle, go to a water park.
Look, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.
For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm’s distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, “When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shit, I don’t know if I was ever her, and now I’ll never be her again or for the first time…”
This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I’ve also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer jacket.
Nope, one simply needs to take herself and her beach attire to a water park. Though water parks and beaches seem similar on the surface, they’re at their core polar opposites, like Walmart and Target.
Frankly, any park will do because here is a water park truth: No matter how much cellulite, varicose veins, stretch marks, regrettable tattoos or unsightly moles you have, there is someone within a 10-foot radius of you who has more… and she is wearing a bikini.
…a string bikini.
…a string bikini that would fit a 10-year-old.
Yep, at a water park your boobs look perky and your thighs, which usually feel like they’re abnormally friendly with one another, feel like they sit miles apart.
This revelation hits me whenever I go to a water park, and it literally makes me giddy. I begin to murmur stuff like, “Oh, I look goooooood.” “It’s amazing that more people don’t mistake me for the babysitter, or a celebrity.” “I feel like I could walk around with nothing on but this locker key bracelet.”
Then I throw back a couple dogs and a Fanta with the kids and never even pull my wrap from the undersized locker I smushed it in.
Sure, the salty nitrates in those dogs will fill with that carbonated orange syrup, but you’ve got some room to bloat here, ladies.
As for my tramp stamp? I think, “Wow, that was a really good decision. In fact, that puppy could use a redo, something with more girth, more of a message, more of a story. I mean, there are guys, with skulls tattooed on their skulls and women with complete murals on their backs.”
By comparison, my tat is more like something Cindy Crawford has on her face, which begs the question: Why has she never arted that thing up? I mean, a ladybug, maybe a peace sign? Being at a water park makes me feel like that’s a really good idea. I also feel like a supermodel, so my judgment could be skewed.
Cindy – me likes
Maybe I get a bit high off of the fumes from people spraying old-fashioned tan accelerator on their bodies (I think I’ve seen actual bottles of Sun-In), or maybe the over-chlorinated water gets to my head. It certainly gets to my over-processed hair.
Except at the park, my hair doesn’t look over processed at all. G-d I love that place! Plus, your kids will think you’re awesomely cool for taking them there. Win-win!
And that’s why we should all vow to frequent water parks more often. So, the next time you feel like heading to the beach, turn that car around, and head for the nearest water slide. Maybe I’ll see you there. I’ll be the hottie with a tattoo that depicts the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party across my back.
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Perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read! I love you, Isenman!
This is the way I feel in the locker room at the local jcc.
Forget going to a four star spa.
I agree with Jenny it up…best ever!
When we all going?
The sooner the better, I’m feeling kinda gross right about now!!!
You know, I never thought of it that way, but you’re right!
sad but true. I guess happy if you can make it to any place that features a slide…
So funny- same with Disney world! Although Disney tourists keep me in check as a reminder of “what could be” if I eat the Micky mouse ice cream bar!
Or an oversized neanderthal turkey leg!!!
Here I just thought it was MI watermarks!! Florida here I come!
I’ll meet you by the snack bar!
Hilarious!
This is so true and so hilarious! Growing up in AZ water parks are the big hit and you couldn’t be more right. Floating down the lazy river completely exposed you feel sexy!! You had me laughing out loud!
Nothing looks sexier on me than an innertube!
Great post, couldn’t stop laughing. Love the pictures, very creative. Wait till you get older yet, then the hotties don’t bother you, because you know you will never every look like that again…but you look real good for a woman your age. Also, resort and hotel pools tend to be a little less hottie…you look real good there too.
I’ll have to check those out. EVERY WEEKEND!
Woo!! Love your writing style. Water parks it IS! 🙂
Def go for a tatt first, you’ll fit in way better. Mine pales in comparison…
I guess that’s the same reason I love to hang at weight watchers!!! It’s so fun!
P.S. I love a girl who can make the fine distinction between Walmart and Target… You are an amazing fashionista. Take some of that stuff to the waterpark and start struttin’!!
Yes there is a fine distinction that could be the difference between life an death Fashion wise and maybe otherwise.
SO true! I think water parks are the best place to people watch & also feel pretty delusionally optimistic about my own swimsuit appeal.
Well, I’ll tell you this, if I get a divorce I will be going to a water park before every date. Imagine the confidence you’d come out with?
LOL! This is seriously awesome, and sooooo creative! I live in Arizona, so my closest comparison to your South Beach is California’s Laguna Beach, where I’ve spent many a vacation since I was a kid. I used to be one of the twenty-somethings running around in a string bikini. Now, I’ve hit 30 (where you wish you could be, ha!), and I want to cover up as I look on and wonder whatever happened to that 21-year-old body.
Funny how the grass is always greener on the other side. 🙂
Some things are not a birthright. You thought i was going t say healthcare, didnt you?! While up for debate, i think there are far more important things… These include spandex, string bikinis, and highlights (note to my dark haired sisters: you are now fooling ANYONE with the blonde on black. Stop it).
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You have NO idea how many times I’ve walked around a water park thinking JUST that. Mmmm I love indoor water parks that serve greasy food and and beer to all the “little people” as I laugh and eat my pizza!!! Love this!
OMG! I thinkt hat everytime I go to the waterpark with the kids. “I’m super hot” usually runs through my mind. You are so hilarious!
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Hilarious! We live in Southwest Virginia and I feel the same way when we go “tubing” on the river. I am always too self-conscious to wear a bikini and then we get there and I realize that I am, by fair the thinnest and most attractive person there. It is great for my self-esteem!
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