Sometimes the best ideas are generated during periods of total and utter boredom. Also, in the shower but there’s never anything to write with so, I imagine lots of great stuff is lost. Like time machines, renewable toxic waste, alternatives to Obama Care… Well, this is one of those brilliant ideas that I dreamed up and had the good fortune to get on paper.

Shit, someone needs to invent a pad and pen that you can write with in the shower…

With the advent of camp emails and bunk notes, it’s never been easier to keep in constant contact with your campers. Unfortunately, it’s you contacting them and not so much them contacting you. So, unless you’re rock climbing, getting up on water skis for the first time, zip-lining, having bonfires, talent shows or raucous games of Deal or No Deal around the house, it’s kinda the wrong way around.

Look, I don’t assume to know what you parents are doing with your summers, but I’m gonna guess it’s not so far from mine — working or hanging by a pool, going to movies, playing games “with friends” on your phone, avoiding sex 50% of the times it’s offered, cooking something that’s now dead on a grill, trying to hit a beach or somewhere out of the ordinary for a bit of time, and being thankful there’s no homework to deal with.

I think I may have summed up most of our summers, which is why I’ve noticed my emails to my camper are getting a bit thin. I’ve taken to writing about inanimate objects, farting anecdotes, and what my pets would say if they could talk. In fact, this excerpt, from one of my emails, is the reason I’ve decided my summer must really suck! Well, that or I’ve invented the most brilliant new sport out of sheer boredom. That’s what they say, right? Boredom is the Mother of invention.

EXCERPT:

“…Coco (our cat) watched Tanner (our dog) for like an hour straight tonight and then retired to her bed. Um, I mean, YOUR bed, which she has completely taken over. You may have to fight her for it. I don’t think she’ll give it back willingly. Don’t worry, I’ll get her tiny little cat boxing gloves.

We’re gonna start practicing tomorrow, so you should get ready too.

Do they have cat boxing at Camp Lenox? It seems like they have everything else, though I haven’t seen any pictures of humans fighting cats… or cats fighting cats, for that matter.

Maybe you should suggest it. Like as a free period, not a required activity, as I think it may offend some of the campers. Plus, some of those kids look a bit wussy and I imagine their parents would not be happy to get a phone call that they’ve been beaten up in a boxing match with a cat. Though, I think that’s a sign that they should toughen up a bit! Which leads me to believe that boxing cats is EXACTLY what they should be doing.

Also, I’m not sure about the camp’s access to cats. I assume there are strays that hang near the mess hall, but they may just end up in that sesame chicken that you said gave you diarrhea. You should try to get a hold of those cats, which are probably already a bit scrappy, (That’s good if you want to be a boxer. An Irish boxer in the 1800‘s, that is.)

You could have arts and crafts make the tiny gloves… I think this plan really writes itself from there. You know what? On second thought, do NOT suggest this to anyone at camp. Inf act, let’s pretend this conversation never happened! Seriously, I think this is what Michael Vick went to jail for, but he was fighting dogs, which is never a good idea, because dogs are natural fighters. Ever hear of a Boxer, duh?

PS – Remember when I wrote back that you should give the sesame chicken another chance? I’m now having second thoughts about that one.

PPS – Just because you will not be boxing cats at camp does not mean that I won’t be training Coco for a round at home. May the best cat, I mean, man win.

I love you and miss you!!!

Be safe, wear your sunblock, have fun, make new friends, and ENJOY

SWAK-
Mommy

I know your letters look similar. In that they have little to do with anything. How much can you write about the weather, the pets, the siblings? How you’re waiting for them to come home to see Spiderman, Brave, Magic Mike… (Look, I don’t assume to know what you take your kids to see.)

READ PART II and addendum’s to this article. Apparently I had a fact or two wrong.