Today, I learned how quickly you can turn a friend into an enemy. Sure, the obvious ways are rather simple: run up to them, tap them on the shoulder, and when they turn around give ‘em a pop in the kisser. Insult their cooking, their attire or worse, tell them how they should raise their children.
Those are no-brainers, if you’re in the market to lose a friend. They’re also too malicious for my taste. No, today I did the one thing that can make a mortal enemy while trying to make polite conversation. I asked the non-pregnant receptionist at the salon I go to, when she was due.
You hear about people uttering the dreaded, “When are you due?” to those “not” with child or to those who just had a child, all the time. We all know better than to ask that question unless we’re 110% sure. Frankly, I think you should witness the Clear Blue line on the pregnancy test before ever uttering that phrase. But there I was, saying it as if I were a lovely, caring, wonderful person. But when she replied, “due for what?” and then I watched as she processed my meaning while the color drained from her face, I realized, I was no friend of hers. I was the devil!
I can think of so many awkward moments brought on by social ignorance. My daughter pointing to someone and saying “Mommy, that man is sooo fat!” with said man inches away. My son running up to a large black woman, grabbing both her breasts, and yelling across a Foot Locker, “Look at this Mommy, her boobs are HUGE.” Yes, I’ve had my share of explaining to do, but short of my husband grabbing that same woman’s bosoms and yelling across the Foot Locker, I can’t think of a more “foot in mouth” situation than I had today.
“When she asked due for what?” it sent my mind a flutter, holy crap, she’s not pregnant –is there some other way to respond: “Due for a teeth cleaning. Due for a pap smear. Due for a subscription renewal of Cosmo, “Yes, I just took a job doing magazine sales to earn extra cash to redo my kitchen, and I just wanted to give you a great rate on a full year of the magazine of your choosing at half the newsstand price!”
No, there was no other answer, though I stood silent for quite some time, thinking out the magazine salesperson script. I went with, “I am soooo sorry. It’s just that those damn empire waist shirts make everyone look pregnant, frankly you’re the 5th person I’ve asked today. And then when I saw that glow to your perfectly clear skin, I just I… “ (she had walked away mid-sentence, no joke) I think she may have gone to cry or print out a picture of me to throw darts at. Either way, I’m in the market for a new salon –if you know of any!
Question: I want to know. What’s your worst foot in mouth moment??? Feel free to answer in Comment section.
Been there, done that. LOL!
Wow, that sucks! But you can never win… I had the same thing happen, but in reverse! THat’s right, in reverse. I never ask someone if they’re pregnant, ’cause I know it could turn against me (learned the hard way, like you!). So there was this woman at the park I go to with my kids, she kept growing… What am I supposed to say!? Instead of asking her, I kept on being the same around her and the other mommies. Then when she hit about 8 months, she was so huge she was dragging herself. And in the middle of a quick multiple mommy conversation about making lunches, daycare pick up and drop off etc, she said something like: “you know, it’s clear I’m wayyy pregnant, how do you want me to run around like that! COme to think of it, you never even congratulated me, you ass!”…. WHAT IS A GIRL SUPPOSED TO DO THEN!???
Are you serious? You blamed her shirt? Wow, nothing to make a woman feel better than the message, “Hey, your wardrobe choices make you look like you’re pregnant or a binge eater.” Nice one.
I learned a long time ago to never ask a woman when she was due. Luckily I did not learn this the hard way. That’s one of the few lessons I can make that claim about.
This was hysterical. I think I must have been there at one time or another. I also never ask that questions of any one, women or men…
In the Obese States of A they should teach in kindergarten to NOT ask that – you’re lucky she didn’t sue you: “public harassment resulting in humiliation of a horizontally challenged woman” – you never ever blog about insensitive guys anymore!!!
Manicurist? Don’t you think people will think you were talking about me?
Annie- you and I both know anyone that know’s you and your stick figure would never dream it was you. You probably didn’t look preggo when your were. Also, you and I both know exactly who this is about.
Great article. I’ve spent a good part of my life with my feet in my mouth. Sooo many times. On one occasion I went to a playground with my daughter, watched a little boy totally being mean and fighting with the other kids. One of the mothers and I were talking and I started badmouthing the kid, kinda non stop. What a brat. Unfortunately I was talking to the kids mom. Very embarrasing.
BARRY- that might actually beat mine!!! The only thing worse than calling someone fat is ragging on their mother or their kids! Nice job
In my naive polite twenties, I once asked a very pregnant customer when she was due and she smiled and answered. I then proceeded to look at this sweet, thin legged, glowing woman that I had been watching get larger and larger for weeks, and say “I was just thinking to myself: she can’t much bigger.” As I am now in my second pregnancy I think back to this often and cringe. I bet she’s never forgotten my stupid face.
I ran into an old boss a few months ago and he said, “since we are great friends I feel like I can ask . . . are you pregnant?”. I was not aware we were such great friends. Perhaps, next time, you can start the conversation like that becuase I was more focused on whether I had neglected such a great friendship for the two years we had not seen each other. By the way, I said no – it’s the empire waist shirt I’m wearing. It makes everyone look pregnant. True story 🙂
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Ah, a reminder to the young lady who asked my wife when she was due, only to find out that my poor Kathy had put on some 25 pound due to a change in meds. and at, then, 47 without a working “oven,” pregnant is not in her vocabulary. Now ask a guy when he is due and there is a sense of pride that years of eating and drinking had finally paid off…
Has anyone else seen the “Poo Chi” video? It’s hilarious, and it’s about someone who EMBRACES that poochy belly…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a2DQC-ghio
Oh and Jenny, this piece was extra funny. I really like your way with words. Just when you think it’s extraordinarily OBVIOUS that the receptionist is WAY-PREGNANT. And she’s NOT. Oh, it’s too rich. These red-in-the-face stories are always the best. You should send this to First For Women Magazine. They are always looking for “First Blush” stories.
I asked a woman with an empire waist dress who was buying a baby present for someone else, not the…non-baby…under her dress. She had the baby present. She had the maternity dress. She was NOT pregnant. Foot in mouth. Even when someone is pregnant I act like it’s not there. My eyes stay on her face in that “obviously trying not to look at her belly” sort of discomfort.
I’ve had that happen to me–more than once! The worst was the time I told the person “No, I’m not pregnant” and she said “Are you sure?” She persisted, not wanting to accept my “no”–I think she must have been a little drunk. This was right before my hysterectomy and my doctor had theorized I had tumors on both ovaries.
My most “foot in mouth” moment was the day one of the geeks showed up in formal suit and tie. Usually we say something like “are you interviewing?” or “going to court?”. This time I chose to say “where are you going, a funeral?” …and he said “yes.” Boy was I embarassed. Now the most I will say is something like “my you are dressed nice” or something of the sort.
I hate to say, I’ve been on both ends of this. When I was in college an past coworker asked my what my boyfriend thought and I asked, “Of what?” and he then patted my belly. Yikes – I know about the freshman 15, but really.
Then a few years later I was at a picnic when a former classmate of mine (who had been VERY thin) came up with a belly and I asked her when she was due. Her response was, “I’m not pregnant, just fat.” and walked away.
Since then the only way I say anything is if I see them waddling around holding their belly – and even then I think twice!
Too funny. I had the same experience with a co-worker years ago. Had gone back to the office to visit and show off my new baby. She looked pregnant to me and I asked, “Oh, congratulations, when are you due?” The look on her face was priceless. She had her son almost a year and a half ago. I felt really embarrassed, not just for myself but also for her. I quickly tried to change the conversation. So yes, I would agree, don’t ask.
After I had my twins, I went into the camera store to pick up the pictures (yes, film was still being used then!), WITH both babies with me, for like the hundreth time, and the girl there, who had seen me MANY times asked me when I was due. Are you kidding me? I think I was too amazed at her stupidity to be insulted!
Okay, even though we are all right this minute vowing never to utter the dreaded “when are you due” question, on the off chance it lets itself fly some day, take a page from my beloved dad’s playbook. One day when I was about 10 we were out running errands and we ran into a neighbor who had clearly swallowed a bowling ball. “Oh, when are you due?” dad asked. I wasn’t even mortified, as she was VERY CLEARLY PREGNANT. “I’m not pregnant,” she spat. Before any of us could even blush he replied, “Well I’ll be damned! I could have sworn I heard that you were.” Nice flipping save, dad! I wouldn’t have thought he had it in him, either.
LOL… I’ve done that and had it done to me. Oh the humiliation is on both sides. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask even when the itch on my tongue to utter the words threatens to choke me. I just smile and walk away. And if I’m with someone I have the “so do you think she’s pregnant” conversation.
Ohh, so many embarrassing stories, where do I start? Walking through high school with my skirt flipped up tucked between my back and book bag? Locking me and the kids out of the house 4 times in 1 year? Having my potty training son rip his pants off and pee on the attic inspectors boots? Though those were all terrible, I didn’t hurt any one (but maybe my pride). My worst was when I was a bride-to-be. We had been to the shop where I bought the dress a few times for fittings and other trousseau, and had always been a little annoyed with people bringing their male-friends/children in there – I mean, it was a tiny main street bridal shop, space was limited… anyways, I went up to what seemed to be a little boy and said “wow, you must be bored – little boys don’t belong in a bridal shop!” well guess what, not a “little boy”, she was an 11 year old girl under going chemo. That was my jerk moment for the millennium. Now I never make assumptions… about anything.
so many comments Jenny! you’re flying
so nice to have an early morning laugh- girls gotta laugh.
No worries Jenny, these things happen! I guarantee those words shall never pass your lips again, even if you are 110% sure. As you know I am the Queen of foot-in-muth moments and to be perfectly honest, I love that about myself. Do not be so hard on yourself, you made a mistake, and maybe she needed the extra push to take off the extra weight she obviously put on. You are actually this woman’s inspiration! SO instead of beating yourself up, pat yourself on the back for a job well done! Love ya, sis.
That is such a big fat bummer. I’ve been on both ends of that one…and with 45 months of pregnancy under my belt, it was hard to blame someone for assuming anytime I wore empire style that I was PG AGAIN!
But the depths came 3 years ago when my youngest, then 7, asked me if I was going to have a baby after catching a glimpse of me in my undies. I took a good look, and went on a little diet. so think of it this way, maybe you did her a favor and she’ll end up being grateful!
Sheesh my foot in mouth moment was just like, today, when I outed you as the lead singer for the once popular British group, Republica, yeah, and that your name isn’t Jenny but it is in fact Saffron and you’re Nigerian. Wait, is that new information?
Don’t forget to get the red stripe put back in your hair when you find your next salon, Saffron.
Oh yeah, this is never gonna get old…
When I was obviously pregnant with my son, my dental hygienist asked me when I was due. I looked her straight in the eye and said, “I’m not pregnant.” Then let her fall all over herself for a minute before adding, “Just kidding.”
It may seem cruel, but I bet she never asks that again–so really I was saving her from future embarrassment.
Reminds me of the time I was using a (very full) public restroom with my three-year-old. I was squatting over the toilet doing my thing when she walked over beside me (we were in one of the large handicap stalls) and announced (in the loudest voice possible), “Mommy, your butt is really big!” The restroom was silent for a long moment, and then everyone burst out laughing.
http://jessicavitalis.com Stop Pinching Your Sister!
Can’t write mine in print! I know a good salon for you – you can never go back!
Ooooh – too funny!!! That must have been so embarrassing!!!
Prof Dave, why is it that guys love their beer guts so? Tiffany, a saying comes to mind “With “great” friends like that who needs…” you know the rest.
Amy, Alicia, Lisa and Petula, I’m with you girls. I don’t care if the head pops out, I’m keeping eye contact and talking about the weather.
Jenna– go your dad and so PC for back then.
Betsy, that takes some serious balls to accuse you of lying.
Karen, that’s when you feel bad for the person who asks.
Pam, those are some thoughies to get over. I was recently amused that a funny little older man in my neighborhood, who is always taking walks, was wearing a helmet. I pointed it out to a friend and she said, maybe he’s been having seizures or passing out. Thanks, one more thing to have major guilt over.
Jenn, public service or cruel joke?
Jessica and Gretchen, gotta love the innocence of kids, they can make people do tons of situps.
Oh yes, I have been asked SOOOO many times if I was pregnant when I was NOT pregnant that I recently started my own blog about it… StillLookPregnant [dot] com!
I think the best was when during a family photo shoot, the professional photographer asked me to suck my stomach in before he snapped a picture. His wife quickly replied ”Dear, you can’t suck in a baby”.
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When I still worked retail I asked a customer once how old her little girl was. It wasn’t a girl. Now, if I’m not sure I simply say, “How old is our BABY.” Live and learn… 😉
Oh, Elaine- I haven’t even learned enough to stop making that foot in mouth mistake. I did it just last week and had a nice save and recovery. Maybe it’s not so much learning how not to put foot in mouth, but how to remove it without anyone noticing!
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Tragically I made the ‘when are you due?’ error today – desperately trying to make a new colleague feel welcome in a fairly crowded lunch room of all places.
She was wearing a figure-hugging high waisted skirt. When she responded (quite flustered) with the not pregnant – I immediately apologized & explained I can be a real idiot.
Poor thing left real quick – I may have overdone the apologising as I then emailed her to reiterate how sorry I was & that she has a way better figure than I… sadly it led to her bursting into tears.
Boss wasn’t in today so I’m wondering whether I’ll be reported for breaching the code of ethics & hauled over the coals (government job)
I feel slightly more optimistic after reading about your experiences. Like the saying goes ‘to err is human’…