Tag Archives: women’s issues

A Tale of Two Titties – Mine (A Hilarious Breast Cancer Awareness Month Tale and Reminder)

After a lump scare in my late-20′s, I learned that all lumps are not the C-word and it’s totally okay to get to 2nd base with yourself!

two tittiesLet me tell you a tale, a tale of two titties (oh, how that word makes me cringe, but it’s so much better for the pun)…

After finding a pea sized lump and getting a needle biopsy, I was told that like the several million other young women with fibrous breast tissue, I would be required to get a yearly mammogram and ultrasound.

I’d heard horrible tales of the mammogram and it’s crushing pain. I feared the impending torture and dreaded that, what little my child bearing and breastfeeding had left unscathed, would be permanently altered.

By the time my appointment had rolled around, the fear of having something less benign than a fibroid cyst had started to set in, as well.  If I can produce one kind of growth with no knowledge of it, why can’t I produce another kind?

While contemplating in the waiting room, I saw a woman, not a day under 100.  OK, if she can do this, so can I, I thought, resigned to get through this. Continue reading →

What Women Do When You Try to Give them a Compliment

Think you can say something lovely, or kind, or heartfelt to me and get away with it?!?  I don’t think so!

We can’t simply say, “Thank you,” it’s not in our DNA.  We justify compliments by making excuses.  We diffuse them by giving others the credit.  And we deflect them by batting ’em back in the other person’s court with the obligatory, return of same compliment — Here, now you deal with how to respond, bitch. 

It goes something like this: Continue reading →

Why You Should Never Ask Someone When They’re Due, Even if They’re at a Lamaze Class

pregnant-woman

Today, I learned how quickly you can turn a friend into an enemy.  Sure, the obvious ways are rather simple: run up to them, tap them on the shoulder, and when they turn around give ‘em a pop in the kisser.  Insult their cooking, their attire or worse, tell them how they should raise their children.

Those are no-brainers, if you’re in the market to lose a friend.  They’re also too malicious for my taste.  No, today I did the one thing that can make a mortal enemy while trying to make polite conversation.  I asked the non-pregnant receptionist at the salon I go to, when she was due.

You hear about people uttering the dreaded, “When are you due?” to those “not” with child or to those who just had a child, all the time.  We all know better than to ask that question unless we’re 110% sure. Frankly, I think you should witness the Clear Blue line on the pregnancy test before ever uttering that phrase.  But there I was, saying it as if I were a lovely, caring, wonderful person.  But when she replied, “due for what?” and then I watched as she processed my meaning while the color drained from her face, I realized, I was no friend of hers.  I was the devil!

I can think of so many awkward moments brought on by social ignorance.  My daughter pointing to someone and saying “Mommy, that man is sooo fat!” with said man inches away.  My son running up to a large black woman, grabbing both her breasts, and yelling across a Foot Locker, “Look at this Mommy, her boobs are HUGE.”  Yes, I’ve had my share of explaining to do, but short of my husband grabbing that same woman’s bosoms and yelling across the Foot Locker, I can’t think of a more “foot in mouth” situation than I had today.

“When she asked due for what?” it sent my mind a flutter, holy crap, she’s not pregnant –is there some  other way to respond: “Due for a teeth cleaning.   Due for a pap smear.  Due for a subscription renewal of Cosmo, “Yes, I just took a job doing magazine sales to earn extra cash to redo my kitchen, and I just wanted to give you a great rate on a full year of the magazine of your choosing at half the newsstand price!”

No, there was no other answer, though I stood silent for quite some time, thinking out the magazine salesperson script.  I went with, “I am soooo sorry.  It’s just that those damn empire waist shirts make everyone look pregnant, frankly you’re the 5th person I’ve asked today.  And then when I saw that glow to your perfectly clear skin, I just I… “ (she had walked away mid-sentence, no joke)  I think she may have gone to cry or print out a picture of me to throw darts at.  Either way, I’m in the market for a new salon –if you know of any!

Question: I want to know. What’s your worst foot in mouth moment??? Feel free to answer in Comment section.

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Dreaded Parenting Explanation: Because I Said So That’s Why

because I said so, that's why

 

As a child, I too encountered the dreaded “Because I Said So.”  It was usually yelled in frustration or hissed between clenched teeth.  No matter what the method of delivery, it signified the end of the discussion.  I remember wondering, what exactly does that mean and why is that a remotely valid argument?  It was a parental trap; there was no way to fight it, and yet you felt unsatisfied in conceding.

 

Now, at 30 somethingish I know what it means.  It means you’re losing the battle with a child.  Yep, “Because I Said So” is the phrase used when you are being outsmarted or out-debated by an 8-year -old.  The truth is, sometimes their reasoning makes sense … a lot of sense.  Sometimes, I listen and think, okay, let’s do it your way.  But most of the time there’s a reason I’ve made a particular choice and I have to stick by it, well that or I’m just another stubborn adult standing on ceremony.

 

I never imagined that I would be losing arguments to 8-year-olds or even 5-year-olds, for that matter.  “They’re smart little buggers, aren’t they? Want proof? I recently partook in this exchange: Continue reading →