I was just writing a piece on things our parents do that embarrass us even though we’re grown up, when it dawned on me that my kids do things that embarrass me even more. My children have blurted out some very personal secrets to teachers, doctors, the person who gives you shoes at the bowling alley, and I’m sure unbeknownst to me — to other people’s parents as well.
The first time I recall being outed by one of my children was when my son was about 3. While in the checkout line at the grocery store, he looked at cashier and nonchalantly said, “My mommy walks around naked.” As if it made perfect sense in the context of buying juice boxes.
I’ve also been privy to other people’s juicy secrets, unsolicited mind you. (It’s not like I drill little children that innocently come over to play or hook them to lie detectors while we enjoy cookies and then I ask if their mom has had any work done.)
Here are some of the reasons we should never share anything private with our children (KIDS TELL ALL!) — and the reason we shouldn’t let them leave the house …
1. Said to me at the window of a drive-thru: “My mom doesn’t let me eat fast food, she says people who eat it are slobs.”
2. Said while out to dinner with friends and their kids: “My dad only has one testicle.”
3. As I handed my daughter’s nursery school teacher our report about our weekend with the class’s Clifford the Big Red Dog stuffed animal: “My mom made the whole thing up, Clifford was in our trunk all weekend.”
4. Said to the cable guy who was calling to say he would be at my house within the hour: “My Mom can’t come to the phone right now, she’s making a poop.”
5. Said to my 11-year-old son at a sleepover: “I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but my dad let me see Hot Tub Time Machine.”
6. A friend’s son explained, “My younger brother was a miracle. My dad has slow swimming sperm.”
7. A friend told me that my child said this while swimming at her house: “My mom says it’s OK to pee in the pool if you REALLY have to go bad.”
8. Said to my entire family at a playdate: “My mom has a penis.” I’m guessing this one wasn’t true, but the little boy certainly thought so.
9. Said to my daughter during a game of house: “You be the baby, like the one my mommy has in her belly … oops.”
10. Confessed to me by my daughter: “I told Lily we couldn’t have sleepovers anymore because you said she’s annoying.”
Yep, these are the types of things my sweet little imps (and yours) have volunteered during carpools, sleepovers, and playdates. Be careful what you tell them and who you let them talk to.
Spill: What confidential tidbits have you heard … or have your offspring shared about you?
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Sooo hilarious!!!
Just had the “annoying” one happen to me a few days ago. I asked my son why one of his friends had not been over in a while, and he said, “Well, he wanted to come over but I told him he couldn’t because you think he’s really annoying!!” Then, I go to the elementary school dance with my son and who sits next to me? “Annoying’s” Mom!!
Oh that’s horrible and yet not surprising. You’re so lucky she didn’t say anything.
S
This has happened to me on numerous occasions. I was shopping with my 4 yr old daughter and girlfriend and she says to my friend, “my mom has big boobies”
Like we couldn’t see that!
Well just in case people didn’t notice.
My favorite moment in kid-blurting has definitely been when my 8 year old took an old mason jar to school, asking friends and teachers to cough up quarters, “…because our family is really, really poor and mom can’t ever buy me stuff at Kmart.”
These are so hilarious! My little ones have not made any embarrassing comments that I know about, but I know that day is coming:)
Having my son (6) shout at the playground, “That man looks like daddy because he is so hairy.” Good thing it was a father with kids a similar age who probably had his own share of embarrassing talk.
Or my 3 year old say, in a busy shop while I was carrying her, “When I was a beebee (baby) I dwink miok fwom you nippos.” 🙂 Totally true, but the salesman didn’t need to hear it.
When my daughter was about 4 – At the check out, she informed everyone that my tampons and pads were for butt because it was bleeding and the pin-worm medicine I was getting for her was because her butt itched. I just laughed, but really I wanted to hide.
This was embarrassing for everyone involved…
My son who was 3 or 4 at the time was in the bathroom with his great aunt. As she is using the toilet, he leans down and peeks through the crack between the seat and the bottom and says, “You got hair down there… My mommy doesn’t.”
When I was doing volunteer childcare at an event, the older of two sisters, one year apart, who were attending with their dad told me about how her daddy hadn’t been allowed to take care of them, but then he went to a long class where they taught him how to handle being angry, and he’s much better now. o.O
I’d *met* the dad, but barely knew him. Seemed like a really nice guy, no alarm bells or anything, so I guess the class worked? I told him that she’d told me, and that I thought it was a great thing that he went through it, and everyone needs help sometimes… because I could just *imagine* her telling him after the event was over, and him wondering what on earth I thought of him!
A friend of my son’s told me when I was on a field trip with his class that (1) her dad has diabetes, and (2) a couple of months ago after a medication change, he couldn’t get out of bed one morning and was just shivering. Fortunately I know a little bit about diabetes medication… so I explained that that is definitely something that happens when you change meds, since the medication helps lower blood sugar, and sometimes it gets TOO low and that causes the shakes. That it looks scary, but it’s not really that dangerous. And I swear her mom seems to avoid me anymore…
My oldest daughter is very tall, every where we went people commented on her height. When someone asks,”where does she get her height?”, what am I to say? So after years of hearing these questions, I started jokingly replying,”must have been the mailman”. My then, second grader, little sister, replied…”Mr. W is her dad!”… I had no idea that my second grader overheard the answer, much less “got” the jest of the answer. To make matters even worse-her 2nd grade teacher-MRS. W, the mailman’s wife,was not amused. What a mess. Now when anyone asks how my daughter got to be so tall (5’11), I answer,”I feed and watered her well”. Lol lesson learned.
Love these! My son once loudly insisted, in the stall of a public restroom, that I have a penis. Me: “No, mommies don’t have penises.” Son: Bahaha yes you do! Let me see your penis.” Me: “No honey, mommies don’t have penises.” Son: “ahahaha yes you do! You have a penis mommy.” Repeat about 10x.
So funny! When my daughter was three she was driving through Indiana with her Grandma and Grandma’s friend. They stopped to eat at an Amish restaurant. My daughter was very wiggly at the table and her grandma said “What’s wrong? Do you need to go to the bathroom?” and my daughter replies in a very loud voice, “NO, MY VAGINA ITCHES!”
said by my son to some unknown lady while we waited at a bus stop…. I don’t sleep naked like my daddy does
My son said to his dad (in front of his boss), I bet you are glad to be starting your new job! My husband had not yet given his two week notice, what do you do from there?
Soo funny. I’m glad “none” of those things have ever been said by my children. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh and the, ehem, honestly.