Lately, I’ve found myself asking my readers rhetorical parenting questions in a not so overt attempt to assuage guilt and make sure I’m not alone. Last week’s guilt driven query: Is it wrong for the “Tooth Fairy” to steal money from one kid to pay the other?
PS: The answer according to my Facebook Fans is a resounding no. Phew. Though I fear that armed with this knowledge, I may be asking them next week if the same goes for paying the pizza delivery guy. Oh well.
That said, I’m guessing there’s a slew of questions every mom will ask herself at least once — here are just a few…
1. At what age do I have to tell them babies don’t come from your belly button?
2. Is it really worth it to fight over them brushing their teeth every day, twice a day? I mean, they’re just gonna lose them all anyway, right?
3. How much longer before one of them realizes I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing?
4. If I freeze right now and act like a statue, will he fall back to sleep so that I can exit the room, or did I just screw up my whole night by checking on him (again)?
5. How many times in one day can a child utter the word mom/mommy? How many times in an hour? A minute? A second?
6. How can such a tiny adorable thing produce such an offensive disgusting odor?
7. Is it wrong for the “Tooth Fairy” to steal money from one kid to pay the other?
8. What the hell sound does a chick make? Does it go peep-peep or chirp-chirp? Or does it squeak? (Wait, it may only squeak if you step on it, crap.)
9. Forget rinse and repeat! Will I ever be able to wash all my body parts a single time – during a single shower?
10. Is it creepy that I want to snuggle with them forever?
11. What did I do today that they will bring up years from now in therapy?
12. Will my kids ever eat things that you can’t find on a kiddie menu?
13. Does jumping in the pool not count as a bath?
14. Will my child still be using a diaper/binky/blankie when she walks down the aisle?
15. Why does it seem like they’re the messiest right after I clean up?
16. Will it ever be possible to make it across my house without stepping on or tripping over a Lego, Barbie, ball, skateboard, drum stick, puzzle piece, My Little Pony, or something they got in a Happy Meal?
17. Is it considered child labor if I tell them part of the reason I had them was to answer phones, let the dog out, and bring me water.
18. When will they learn how to use Google and hence end my favorite defensive maneuver: the bold faced lie? “No movies don’t play after 8PM.” “No they don’t give out ketchup at drive thrus.” “Yes, the arcade is closed for renovations … indefinitely.”
19. When did I go from being the most awesome person ever to the most uncool person to walk this Earth?
And these are my faves from my Facebook Fans (thanks guys!)
20. When will he learn I really DON’T have eyes in the back of my head? – Lynn
21. When did I become my mother, and is this really a bad thing? – Loren
22. Do they deliberately aim for the wall next to the toilet? – Daniel
23. How much longer ’til I get to go over to THEIR houses & mess everything up? – Joanne
24. When can they get jobs? – Michele
25. How long will “kisses” make everything feel better? – Amy
Go Ahead Share This With Someone Who’s Asked These Unexpected Questions (AKA, ANY MOM)
And feel free to add a question you ask … you know you wanna!
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HAHAHA Oh lord, this is what I have to look forward to? *Scary*
Scary but fun. Like most parenting.
This was a very sweet and funny post. We really enjoyed it. And when your kid gets that first big JOB it’s a great
feeling. Finally you can ask them for money on a regular basis ( or not ).
I told mine they will owe me a wing in their mansions or the keys to their mountains chalets obvi.
What lunar eclipse caused my son to start rolling his eyes at me?
When did it become a felony to hold my son’s hand while crossing the street?
Am I screwing my kids up enough to where they are funny later, or where they are in therapy later?
I love love love your last question and I’m pretty sure the answer is … Both and that’s a good thing because I think the therapy part is inevitable but the funny part is harder to come by.
When will they discover that I’m lying when I take a picture of a toy they are begging for and reply, “I just put it on your wish list.”?
Is it wrong that I want to teach my 10-year-old how to open a bottle of wine for me?
I think anything you teach your ten year old is lovely some people teach their kids nothing yours will be able to open wine and maybe mix a good drink that will surely come in handy one day when he/she is dating someone that wants to complain about how their parents weren’t hands on…
As a stay-at-home dad, I find myself asking many of the same questions you do, as well as “Why do I keep asking aloud why is there a shirt in the refrigerator or why can’t I find any matching shoes among the 53 pairs each child has?” Enjoyed your essay!
Thanks … I enjoy your name! I think shirts taste better cold. I hope that helped answer that question.
Haha, great post. And “3. How much longer before one of them realizes I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing?” The answer is never. I’m an adult now, but you’re parents always seem to have the answer (even when they don’t). There’s no other person in the world that knows you better.
Great response I may have to make it my mantra when I’m totally convinced I’ve been found out for the fraud I am!
Wow its as if you read my mind! Definitely 10 + 22, not at the same time O_o I’m glad I’m not the only mom thinking these things lol especially how long until my son realizes I’m full of bs. 🙂 Have a great weekend Jenny! -Iva
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