At a party last weekend, I got stuck with one of “those moms” You know, the annoying moms you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings? So, I decided to make a list of the most common types of annoying moms I’ve come across. This way you can avoid them before they trap you!
1. PMS Pam: Talking with this “depress-fest” is more sobering than watching an aged Gary Busey perform live. Her weighty chit chat will include talk of diseases that could strike at any time, children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage.
Rule of Thumb: Never talk to her alone, as it will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!
2. Know it all Nicole: This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won’t take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn’t like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She’ll tell you whether you should or shouldn’t vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru.
Rule of Thumb: If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn’t run for the hills, hear her out — you can never know too much about blow jobs — then bring up vibrators.
3. Donna Droner: Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only imperative, but scintillating — whether she’s describing how she rescheduled her children’s annual checkups, or rattling off her 39-step trick to get discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you’ll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.
Rule of Thumb: Take a fake call. If you’re not holding your phone, pick up anything, hold it to your ear and answer it.
4. Braggy Beth: This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid’s accomplishments are, Beth’s kids did it better, and did it earlier. “Your daughter doesn’t know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I’m sure she’s fine. It’s just that my Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb — I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive… she barely speaks English.” Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give her perfect little angel the finger.
Rule of Thumb: Don’t give her kid the finger… kick her in the shin and run.
5. TMI Tammy: Tammy is like a bad Facebook status in the flesh. She feels that the disgusting details of the ooze in her son’s ear and the consistency of her daughter’s last bowel movement is lunchtime fare. Though you may only know her from “Meet the Teacher Night,” you somehow also know that she has an inverted uterus and hence prefers it doggy style.
Rule of Thumb: TMI Tammy can work in details that would make Eminem blush, so stick to “Hi” and “Bye” and NEVER ask how she’s doing.
6. Judgy Julie: This delightful mom is assessing your every move. On play dates, she’s estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple: find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along: She is better than you.
Rule of Thumb: Be careful how much you let Judgy Julie see because she doesn’t keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offered up as team mom could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.
Addendum: 10/1 (I said there would be more and here they are…)
7. Fend For Yourself Fran: This mom sees your child as her respite. Your kid is distracting hers, so that she can get a moment of peace, a glass of wine, a few minutes to read “Mommy Porn.” She’s not concerned with what the kids are doing, as long as they’re doing it quietly… and far away. You may come to her house to find your child, miserable, hungry, bruised, or locked in a bathroom, which she will have no explanation for, as she was unaware your child needed supervision… or a glass of water, or a Bandaid, or some protective gear.
Rule of Thumb: Always have her kid at your house or send yours over to hers with a survival kit.
8. Delusional Denise: DeeDee has no clue what her child is REALLY like. She’s blissfully unaware that her darling offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she’ll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat.
Rule of Thumb: Keep yourself your kids and your pets as far away as possible — Denise’s kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.
9. Stalky Samantha: Samantha wants your life. She will sidle her way into plans with you. She’ll make sure her kids get close to your kids, sign them up for the same activities, clubs, teams, and classes. She’ll call other people to determine where you are at any given time. Her covert detective skills include frequent drive-bys, constant contact through scouring pictures and updates on social media, and oddly “running into you” like, everywhere.
Rule of Thumb: Be careful with this one, as we all know how stalker movies turn out… plus you’re probably convinced she has weird super powers like super hearing or ESP. (Well, that’s just silly because she’s actually a vampire.)
10. Me Me Mimi: “Enough about you, more about Mimi,” is her slogan. “What? Your child is allergic to peanuts and went into anaphylactic shock at school? I totally know what that’s like. That happens to my little Carly with chocolate. I mean, she’s not allergic, but it does a number on her tummy. Last Halloween she had such a bellyache… as you can imagine, it was awful.”
Rule of Thumb: Avoid this time suck at all costs, as even a nod in her direction opens a door for her to tell you more about herself and her family… AND DON’T GET HER STARTED ON HER DELIVERY STORY!
Some days I may or may not fall into one of these categories, though I like to believe those days are few and far between. Which mom makes you want to send smoke signals? And who did I miss (feel free to make up your own)?
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Hahaha. Cute post
I think Braggy Beth is the one that gets to me the most. And a close second is Judgy Julie…that’s why I hang with moms who are bigger slackers than I am…then I feel really good about the type of parent I am! It’s a win-win!
See Emily, you are always thinking and that’s why you’re Einstein Emily.
Whenever I met any of these moms, my talent for creating awkward silence usually took care of them. Still, as a group we do tend to be really hard on each other don’t we?
Totally – As I was in this article. I think writing it makes me kinda judgey, no? Yet, I like to think I’m exempt from criticism, well at least on my own site.
Just when I start hearing my biological clock go tic-tock — thank you for some entertaining birth control 😉
I want to add Perfect Penny. Her marriage is great, her house is clean, her kids are doing fine and her husband helps her clean and with the kids. UGH!!
I hate perfect Penny!
Pitiful Patty- She is PMS Pam’s sister. Her life is so much worse than everyone else’s and she’s always the victim. Don’t bother sharing any of your own problems, because her’s are bigger and more important.
** My husband’s ex-wife is a Pitiful Patty. It makes life SO MUCH FUN.
I know at least five pitiful patty’s they love to play that card!
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Ha! This made me laugh. Then there’s the mom who drops her kid off at your house for a play date, is 2 hours late picking her up, says she can swim, no problem! Then her kid jumps in your pool and practically drowns. Then there is the kid who has a dpi-pen for a peanut allergy and the mom vaguely gives instructions on how to use it (“you’ll figure it out”) oh and the mom who doesn’t acknowledge that ADD/ADHD is a real thing and just thinks better parenting and discipline is needed.
Sorrrrrrry, you hit a nerve with me today!
You crack me up. I know all of these women. I’m more of a terrible at small talk, lots of awkward silences kind of gal, myself. Claire Conversationkiller.
That’s me! I’m totally Claire Conversationkiller. Very frustrating.
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Perfect Penny is the room mom in my son’s class and completely unavoidable on a regular basis. I seriously want to stab my eyes out when she’s coming towards me. Like put my cell phone to my ear and pretend I’m getting a phone call right that very moment stab my eyes out.
Can “Rich Girl Rachel” be one? She’s the one who always offers helpful suggestions like “oh! Busy and exhausted? You should hire a nanny! Baby have colic? You need this $400 stroller, I have two different colors. Need to lose the baby weight? Sign up for the new yoga Zumba spinning tai chi fast track weight lost program – only $60 suggested donation a class! Breastfeeding issues? trying this ancient Japanese healer who will massage your breast for $200 (only $100 after your first session! what a deal!) Neighbors a problem? You should just
Move out of that area.” Her suggestions for everything are completely out of touch with reality and the average parent’s budget. And she will complain to you about such rich girl problems like not being able to wear the same dress twice because she might get photographed and don’t suggest TJ Maxx unless you want her eyes to pop out.
Hey, I love Paul McCartney! He’s my boyfriend 🙂
I am actually Bellowing Betty….you know, that mom who YELLS at her kid in public all the time? All. The. Time. Mainly because I have a 4 year old boy who is afflicted with that strangely male-only disorder called “selective hearing.” I yell at the grocery store, at the park, from the front porch, down the hall, you name it. All of my neighbors know my kid’s name and I’ve only lived in this neighborhood for a week. I was totally convinced pre-motherhood that I wouldn’t be “that mom” and MY kid would listen. Yeah. Not so much.
Hello Bellowing Betty. I was you once. I WAS. My son grew out of me needing to yell to get his attention, though So there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. No, wait… he hasn’t – sorry.
Clueless Claudia: spends more time socializing with other adults than maintaining discipline of her unruly offspring & their cringeworthy behavior!!
I know Clueless Claudia too, I’m usually watching her kid at the park…pool, playground… because she isn’t
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Ha! This is awesome. I think I’m a savy Sarah. I chat up the latest bargain or coupon until those around me want to throw their Sunday coupons my way. I think we can all be a little extreme ! This was a fun post.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve encountered a woman that was ALL 10 of these. It wasn’t pretty.
Hocum Henrietta: This mom doesn’t want to hear about your kid’s special needs and how you have to carefully plan every day and every meal because she thinks that it’s all a bunch of hocum. “Your kid doesn’t have special needs, look at him, he’s a normal kid! You don’t need to medicate your kid. Relax, he’s fine. Have you tried just spending more time with him? You should let your kid have that cupcake full of sugar and artificial dyes. It won’t bother him, he’s not sensitive to that!” 5 minutes later after consumption of said cupcake that is bigger than my child’s head and covered in the most obnoxious pink, red, blue and yellow frosting ever, i mean gobs of it! “Look, see? He’s fine! You should let your kid live a little.” (And then she sends my kid home shortly thereafter with a bag full of more colored candy that I have to pry away from my child so he doesn’t completely lose it that night and of course I look like the total mean!) Or, the well intentioned, “why don’t both our families go to Disney World together. We’ll spend allll day at the park. The kids will eat whatever they want. Become completely overstimulated and sleep terribly. And you’ll only fork over a small fortune for the pleasure!” And my all time favorite: “Wow, you put your kids to bed sooo early. I bet that’s why they are awake so early in the morning. If you put them to bed later they’ll sleep later!”
PSA: Special Needs doesn’t always look as obvious as you think it does. The more you learn…. BOOM!
“Take a fake call. If you’re not holding your phone, pick up anything, hold it to your ear and answer it.” <<< I LOL'd several times, but that one made me snort. Too funny. Sadly, I did see a tiny bit of myself in several of these. I try to balance my annoying behavior as much as possible though; I don't like to be pigeon-holed. 😉
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