Can a Jewish Mommy Kiss Santa Claus Without Being a Ho Ho Ho?

This is what my house sounds like around the holidays. (Oh, and the rest of the year, but I say “around the holidays” to make myself look like a better parent.)

mommy-kissing-santa-claus“Mommy can I have that?” “Will you buy me that?”  “Mommy, my friend’s neighbor’s cousin has that.”  “I want that.”  “When can I have that?” “Mommy?” “Ma?” “Maaaaaaaa?”  “MOM!”  This exchange of words usually ends with:

“If you mention it again, and the answer will be never.”

“Never?  I can’t even have the Easy Bake Ultimate Oven that bakes more batches, when I’m 25?” 

“Sure, but if you don’t have a real oven by then, making cookies may not be the best use of your time.”

“How about she gets it for her next birthday, or maybe Kwanzaa?” my son pipes in. He’s already eying a Penny Board for Secretaries Day, and has informed me that, although we are Jewish, he will be giving up vegetables for Lent.

My children’s Hanukkah wish lists were so comprehensive this year, I was forced to explore alternative channels in my search.  Consequently, I have sent a friendly letter asking someone who has slighted me in the past for a little holiday help.  Some might say it’s more of a formal accusation, but really it’s just a hand delivered note that needs to be notarized and signed on receipt. It goes:

Dear Santa,
I have never complained about you forgetting us Jews in the past, but times are tough.  I mean, I don’t want highlight any flaws you have, but let’s talk religious profiling, shall we?

I’m sure the fact that we don’t believe in you has something to do with you snubbing us year after year.  Do we, a people known to produce a whiner or two, complain?  No, some of us, me included, have made an effort to believe.

Let us not forget Christmas of 83’ when I sat on your lap asking for a Speak N’ Spell, a Magic Eight Ball, and Shawn Cassidy’s “Da Doo Ron Ron” 45.  I was there, I have a laminated picture from Macy’s to prove it.

Do you not bombard us with your festive songs and holiday movies made with delightfully animated reindeer and elves?  Do Jews get to go a-wassailing?  No, we have one song… about kids gambling.  (And the Adam Sandler one, but kids rarely sing that at their holiday shows.)

Has Dreidel ever starred in a delightfully animated holiday movie?  Nope! Even the Rugrats sold out, converted.

 Has Snoopy, or Barbie, or a single Disney character ever lit a Menorah?  Maybe in the privacy of their own homes, but certainly never on camera (it’s in their contracts).

We’re okay with that, because we wrote those contracts.

Sure, we take advantage of your sales and vacations.  We watch your shows, and sing your catchy songs.  We’ll decorate a tree with blue and white twinkle lights, top it with a six pointed star, and call it a Hanukkah bush.

Santa, my Roth IRA is down 40%.  I deserve a little holiday cheer.   You can look me up, I’ve been nice, and I’d like to keep it that way.

My daughter wishes to receive an iTouch5 or 7 or whatever number they’re on by X-mas, plus cash to buy useless gems for spa games, fashion games, and Dragonvale. She also wants the newest Bratz Dolls, which come complete with Brazilian waxing kit a mini Morning After Pill and a tiny Planned Parenthood Pamphlet.

My son would love anything that starts with a lowercase i, plus an iPhone5 that he thinks will answer any question — including where he left his last cell phone. Oh, and some alone time with my daughter’s Bratz dolls.

I will forward you the unabridged version via zip file. I look forward to us all getting along!

Frustrated Jewish Mom

P.S.  I can be naughty if necessary (wink, wink).


– Jenny From the Blog

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9 thoughts on “Can a Jewish Mommy Kiss Santa Claus Without Being a Ho Ho Ho?

  1. Emily

    It could be worse…you could be me: a Jewish mom who celebrates Hanukah and Xmas, thanks to her Catholic husband. The lists in this house are endless and oh btw, you should hear what my 15-year old son asks Siri. Oh and one more thing, when you were sitting on Santa’s lap in 1983, I was graduating high school that year. I’ll forgive you for being younger than me though because this post was funny — as usual!!

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Ha, very possibly true. Unless they were written by Dolly Parton, she’s written like 10000 songs so I imagine she gets credit for at least half he songs that mention St. nick.

  2. Andrea

    Thank you. This was awesome. :> And I’m one of the two-holiday households. But I still feel ya. Even growing up Jewish I sat on Santa’s lap at Macy’s, too.

  3. Leslie

    If he replies and the two of you end up sitting down over a cup of spiced egg nog for a chat, could you just ask him why I never got that live spider monkey I so earnestly requested back in 1983? I think all things considered I was pretty damned good that year!

  4. Jay Holmes

    Thanks for a lovely article.

    “My son would love anything that starts with a lowercase i, plus an iPhone5 that he thinks will answer any question — including where he left his last cell phone”. It turns out that he is not alone. It really does make cell phone shopping more painful when I envision the cellphone vanishing without a trace.

    My answer to your question is don’t kiss any Santa at all unless your sweety dresses up as one. Some of those guys like they stopped off some place unsavory between here and the north pole.

    Happy holidays to all of good will.

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