At a conference I attended earlier this year I heard the amazing Brene Brown, give a speech about, move-a-body-friends, (MABFs): People you could call in the middle of the night to come over and dispose of a body, no questions asked.
At first I thought, well, who of my friends has the right girth and strength to take on such a task? Next I thought, who will I have to “off” to test that my supposed “Move a Body” friends will follow through? Then it dawned on me, Brene was simply speaking metaphorically, and I put down the knife.
I didn’t stop there, I mean, I did put down the knife, but I thought I’d check with one of my besties to see if she would move a body for me, or at least share one of those “Best Friend” charms with me.
Me: Hey.
Possible MABF: Hi. What’s up
Me: I just wanted to see if you would move a body for me?
MABF: Wait, say that again?
Me: Would you move a body for me?
MABF: Move one, like in Desperate Housewives?
Me: Yep.
MABF: How did it die?
Me: Does that matter?
MABF: Well, did you kill it on purpose? Look, if it was Mark, I would do it, obviously, but other than that, I’d want to know if it was an accident.
How quickly we assume it’s the husband?
Me: Fine, let’s say it was on purpose? Let’s say Mark made that weird chewing sound he makes when he eats bagels, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him with the cream cheese container.
MABF: Really, that’s your weapon of choice, cream cheese?
Me: I’m assuming it would be in the heat of the moment, and that would be the nearest thing.
MABF: Do you have any idea how long it would take to kill someone with a plastic container? I don’t know if this is a well thought out plan.
Me: I’m NOT MAKING A PLAN, I’m just assessing the level of our friendship!
MABF: Well, what condition is the body in; is it all mangled? I have a weak stomach, you know.
Me: I just told you I’d beat him with a cream cheese container, I don’t think mangling will be involved. Maybe some curdling, if we let him sit too long. I want you to know I’m starting to rethink our friendship.
MABF: Why do we have to move it? Couldn’t we just say it was self defense?
Me: Fine, but in that scenario you’d have to rough me up to make it look real.
MABF: Yeah, I could do that.
Me: I feel like you answered that so effortlessly and yet, the rest of this pow-wow isn’t going the way I’d hoped.
MABF: Look, I wouldn’t rule the whole disposal thing out, I’d just have to know a little more.
Me: Is that your way of saying you’d be up for the conversation?
MABF: Would it go like this, “Hey Tracey, what did you get at Saks yesterday? What are you making for dinner? What should I do with the body in my kitchen?”
Me: Yes … but frankly, I wouldn’t care what you’re making for dinner.
MABF: Then sure why not? Would you have extra bagels?
Me: Yep.
MABF: I’m in. So, what are you doing for breakfast, I’m hungry.
As it turns out, I do have an MABF; a meticulous, crafty one, who’s willing to beat me up, if necessary. I’m so lucky!
What crazy stuff have you done for your MABFs? I’m making a list for next week’s article.
I’ll start — I’ve jumped in a pool in a beautiful silk dress because an MABF jumped in at the end of her 40th birthday party in a fun attempt to reclaim youth or maybe she was just super drunk, but I thought she shouldn’t be in there celebrating alone.
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RELATED:
- If you liked that you MUST read what happened when I asked my other bestie and old college roommate, let’s just say we didn’t end up going out for breakfast!!!
- Ohhh and a brilliant list: 20 Things Women Would Do for Their Besties (Mom Edition) – I think most of us would do these things and that’s why the fairer sex is AWESOME!!!
I loved this post, I couldn’t stop laughing while reading. I’m not sure if I have a “Move a Body Friend.” Think I’ll pose the question too!
Keep up the cool posts 🙂
CrissyM
@CityMuseMag
I need to hear how that goes for you!!! I feel like it’s not the usual Starbucks fodder.
You know, I don’t know if I have a Move a Body Friend. That makes me really sad. I have good friends, sure. They would help me if I was sick. Come comfort me if someone in my family passed. Take care of my kids if I wasn’t able to.
But NOT one of them would ever move a stinking body for me.
And that hurts. That really, really hurts.
You are so blessed. I would avoid the cream cheese container and go straight for the heavy lamp in my living room. Uggh and I hate the sounds my husband makes when he eats.
But I won’t do anything because I don’t have a friend who would move his body.
fuck.
I feel like this is something you should show them, so that they realize they may be called upon and that others would be willing to do such things for besties. A little guilt between friends never hurts. Frankly, it’s the fear of it being “there body” that keeps my friends in line!!! PS loved the comment and the one you left over at ScaryMommy on my 40 Things Moms Should have or Know by 40!
let’s see – I have dealt with removable boobs, removable hair and exposed my sweaty private parts for my move the body friend — can I get some love?!?! xoxo
All my love coming your way and possible instructions on where to bring the shovel!
I love that I am your MABF-as you are mine!! BTW-I do appreciate you jumping in the pool in your silk dress for me!!
I feel like we just had a lovely moment. We should be holding hands or something!!!
I recently served child support papers to my MABF’s husbands ex – fully aware that the she-beast would possibly eat my face off because I’m pretty sure she’s Satan’s evil twin. Luckily, my face is still in tact. I have other stories, but I don’t want to incriminate myself…
No, that one will definitely do! Good for you!
You’ve given me a lot to think about here…. do I have one of these friends? Hmmm
Craziest thing I’ve done for a friend would have to be drove 3 states away when a BF broke up with her to do “Kelly Live in Concert” for her with a boy bashing song…wish I could remember what song, but I remember acting it out in her dorm room… I guess I’m just thankful youtube wasn’t around in those days.
Thanks for stopping by! Yes, there are lots of reasons to be thankful YouTube wasn’t around when we did idiotic things that should never be memorialized on film!
You get to a certain age and you’re lucky to be able to lift the body, much less move it. That being said, you can count on me if you really needed someone. I hope it wouldn’t be your husband, he’s my favorite son-in-law. You say, “he’s my only son in law”. Don’t diminish my relationship with him, he’s still my favorite.
This is a great post, some of us are blessed with more than one MABF, I have two MABF’S and since I am getting really old now it’s gonna take both of them too help me take care of the bodies. It’s been a long running joke for us as to who do you call at 2am, I’m glad to see that more people have noticed a need for that quality of a friend. Remember it takes two to bury a body safely
G
So I’m all for the MABF but if you can’t find one, maybe step it down a notch and see if you can find a PYCHF. This would be a “pluck your chin hairs friend.” Depending on how sharp and persistent those little fuckers are, those jobs are hard to fill.
MABF… I’m impressed. I’m really glad you have such tight friendships. I jut pray it isn’t my body you want to move.
I guess it’s how you phrase it but if you’re going to end with ….and help me move a body, then the beginning of that sentence doesn’t really matter
haha!Cream cheese container, hilarious!
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Weirdly enough, all my close friends are MABFs. I can’t tell if I’m blessed or just have really sick friends.
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I’m actually lucky enough to have a couple of friends like this. My oldest gal pal and I pretended to share her boyfriend back in high school for reasons that, looking back, kind of seem foolish. The other friend is former military…and a lot of those stories happened while he was serving so I’ve promised him I’d take those secrets to the grave…
For some reason it’s still comforting to know someone would do this stuff. It’s getting them to prove it that’s the hard part!
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This post is hilarious and definitely got me thinking. I have 2 no questions asked MAB besties. The other two would take some convincing and bribing. lol I myself am a MABF, maybe too much because as an analytical Virgo I would be constructing the perfect cover up story as we move said body. It’s important for everyone to have a friend of this caliber.
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