Being that I am a writer, you would probably assume I give my husband a beautiful heartfelt card on every holiday. The truth is, I am like most of you, going at the last minute to look at slim pickins and buy some cheesy cards that cost $3 bucks a pop and do little more than add to deforestation.
First of all, unless your husband likes fishing or fixing things you’re SOL from the get go. The funny cards are too queer, though the Far Side always gives me a giggle, I try to find something with a little more sentiment. I have noticed that my husband and I have this weird tendency to rebuy the same card for each other on our respective holidays year after year.
The Father’s day card has a cat couple and it goes something like this:
“Sometimes I’m stubborn when I don’t get my way,
Sometimes I’m bossy and have too much to say.
Blah blah blah, buuuuut I really love you! Have a great Father’s day.”
That’s the general gist anyway. It’s basically an apology for being a sucky annoying wife 364 days a year. The card might as well say:
“Sometimes I’m a big fat wench, when you look at me the wrong way.
Other times I’m a bratty bitch, when I don’t like what you say.
Often I’m an evil nag, I’m so frustrated I could spit.
I don’t listen when you speak because I’m daydreaming of Brad Pitt.
I pretty much act like I hate you almost every day of the year,
Buuut I really totally Love You, though I rarely make it clear.”
The mother’s day version is similar, two cats start out fighting and the guy cat’s like, “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn, but we always find our way.” Then the cats are driving and he’s lost and he won’t ask for directions and she’s looking back at the kitties shrugging her shoulders.
Then they are watching a sports game and the mom cat is running in circles around the house with the kitties, and the dad cat is ignoring her and he’s all, “Sometimes I get wrapped up in other things, but I always spend the commercials with you guys.”
Then the dad cat is looking at the price tag of a really expensive pair of Jimmy Choo’s that the mom cat is at the register paying for, because she feels she’s earned them. The dad cat hisses, “We don’t always see eye to eye, but we always compensate.” In the next picture he is cutting up her credit card and throwing the pieces in the air like confetti.
Then the mom cat is taking the kitties to live with some calico she met in the alley. The dad cat shows his claws, but since he is domesticated and therefore declawed he just feels like a pussy (cat I mean).
Then the dad cat is paying off some thug mafia cat and says, “We always work it out, ‘cause making up is the best part!”
Or something like that. Mother’s day was a few months ago so I may have embellished the finer details, but you get the picture. It’s an apology for being a crappy, inattentive, stubborn, annoying husband, buuut it’s okay cause we get to make up after I have your calico trash cat castrated.
So this year, I picked up one of those cards and was about to buy it. Then I thought, I don’t need to apologize for arguing or nagging, that’s what couples do... even one’s who are in love. Yes, my husband is stubborn and I am a nag, but we love each other. I don’t want to make light of my annoying ways through a rhyming apology that is only cute because of cat personification. We’ve been married a decade, he knows I am a bitch and he is thankful I’m cute.
So, I got a card that was perfect. Yes, it had cats. It said, that he’s the one I go to if I need a hug, or a sympathetic ear, or a pep talk, or to kill a bug, or to move something heavy. Basically, he’s there when I need him.
Does he do things that are annoying? Daily. Frustrating? Hourly. Does he snore and fart in his sleep? Yep. Does he leave crumbs on the counter and forget to change lightbulbs? Uh ha. Is he a fabulous dad? Absolutely.
Is he there for me when I need him? Always.
That might not have been a quality I dreamed my husband would have on my wedding day, but a decade in, it’s the one I am most thankful for.
So to my husband, I hope you enjoyed your day. I love you! To all the other Dad’s, mine especially, I hope you had a fabulous Father’s day and that there are spouses and children out there that appreciate all you do.
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This was one of you best!!! I laughed out loud (Everyone wanted to know what was so funny). This is so true. You actually get it. That’s what marriage is all about. Love ya.
Jenny…this is an amazing post…I LOVE IT!!! One of your best and one that I will re-read over and over this week. So true and hysterical about the cards…
I dunno Jen… all the time I was reading “the dead cat” – waiting for you to confess you sold your husband to the local Chinese restaurant and you were blogging this from the shelter – amidst quite a bunch of other stray pussycats… But good to read you added another year by “buying” such a special card for him – and now that Hallmark gave you a lifelong supply of free cards, you should check out their Hoops & Yoyo collection – they are quite funny – too. And they look like cats. Too.
I noticed the hoops and yoyo “cats” while looking for a pic for this post… there is always next year, or valentines day.
So much for marital bliss. The reality is “being there” is all about the love.
Love is a verb.
Dang-on-it! I want him to be there when i need him AND have sexy romantic days! But 16yrs of marriage and your blog post has convinced me to just give it up….unless I go out and have an affair…but I’m too tired for all that.
while any hallmark holiday is always an opportunity to renew your love for your spouse, may i point out something about these 2 holidays, a point a boss mentioned to me some 20+ years ago, and something my honey and i live with to this day:
father’s day is about your father; hubby is not your father!
likewise, mother’s day is about your mother; you, jen, are not your hubby’s mother!
now maybe you’d feel funny not sending cards on these days, but don’t let hallmark run your life or make the cultural decisions for society. at least, that’s what i say. in my family we’ve lived by this and we focus on honoring our own parents on their respective days, and helping our kids honor us on these 2 days (e.g., dad taking them to a store to buy something nice for mom for mother’s day). now that they’re teens, they buy their own gifts, like, this year, an exciting 3 pair of white socks for their dad! (well, at least it’s not another tie that dad will never wear!) but it’s the thought that counts!
that said, i do hope you had a nice father’s day celebration in your family!
Loved this! Mine said “I have 3 words for you… hot cha cha.” Made no sense.
I dig Rachy’s point, but will add that until they come up with a “National Apologizing For The Other 364 Days Day,” Mother’s and Father’s Days are really great opportunities to smooth lives over.
Case in point: The weekend before Father’s Day I was doing some yard work and suddenly felt as though I was having a heart attack. Ambulance to the hospital, pumped full of fluids and laid out on a gurney until the multiple test results came back (turns out I’m REALLY healthy and whatthehellwasthatanyway?). So before the results come I’m laying there more than mildly panicked and teary eyed, wondering how my kids will take my death. Will she find someone else? Will my replacement demonstrate the proper reverence for my awesome power tool collection? Will I meet Einstein? And she, my babies’ momma, the woman I’ve waited for all my life, says “You know, I saw the way you looked at ____’s mother at that birthday party last week. You really have a problem.” (I was neither ogling nor flirting nor plotting and she really should know better, especially since said woman’s husband looked like your fireman photo from a few posts ago). Discussion/Hilarity ensues. And three curtains away I can hear the guy who was wheeled in with a gunshot wound to the chest go, “DAY-umm!” Day-umm is right, my brother. You don’t wanna know.
But then I got a really great veggie omelet on Father’s Day so, you know, it’s cool.
Oh, and Rachy, if you’re not calling him “daddy” once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
It would be nice to find more options between ‘sickly sweet enough to induce projectile vomiting’ and ‘stupid jokes about what a pain I am and/or hubby’s lack of skill with fixing things/tools/etc. I think I represent a large, untapped market — take note, greeting card writers!
Ed, quite a story. Rachy, I definately deserve a mother’s day card from my husband… he is my 3rd child too many days of the year. Ha cha cha!
well, jen, now that you put it that way, i’d make an exception!
and ed, i’m glad your story ends happily and i’ll make note of your advice!
Why are spouses buying Mother’s and Father’s Day cards? Leave that up to the kids. Didn’t get a card? Blame your kids, not your spouse. Kids gotta learn early. You may want to cover for them until they are 3-4, but after that, they are on their own!
And, ladies, your husband is NEVER another child. Ever. Not even a funny joke because the reverse is never funny to you.
One kid texted me, the other got a card and a book. The spouse did nothing at all. Just the way it should be.
Another great post.
frank
That was a great post, Jenny. I am not married so I will stay out of the debate on whether or not to buy Father’s or Mother’s Day cards for your significant other. I do agree with the difficulty of buying cards, though. I have given up on buying cards for my father on Father’s Day; I create them myself and print them on my computer. This is due to the fact that none of the card companies have cards for my situation. Most of them say things about how he was always there when the card giver was growing up (he wasn’t. I hadn’t seen my father since I was four or five until I finally established a relationship with him as an adult…almost ten years ago) or they are too sappy and reminiscent of things that happened in the card giver’s childhood due to the card recipients wonderful fatherly skills (which would be a total lie in my situation). So, I usually wait until the last minute and then try to create something on the computer that says something halfway decent without saying very much at all. I should open my own business creating cards for people like me…those who don’t have the “traditional” parent-child relationship with one or both parents.
i really love Sandi’s comments, as i always preferred making my own cards and using my own words. often, i would get cards that are blank inside.
like Sandi says, not all our lives and family relationships fit nicely into a “hallmark holiday.” for example, i never did meet my real father, and then my mom remarried when i was in college. so, i always found saying something in my own words worked best!