Why do we need to “know our vaginas,” anyway? I’m happy keeping mine at arms length. Yet, I’m told we should be more acquainted. I have to be honest, I think we’re good, me any my hoo-hoo, that is. I’d definitely miss her if she wasn’t around, but we’re not conversing during long walks on the beach, though we do like to take them (so we have that in common — which is nice).
Could you pick your va-jay-jay out of a va-gyne-up?
Recently, in the pediatrician’s office, I was reading a pamphlet on puberty. Please, it’s better reading than an outdated TIME, or a Highlights where all the hidden pictures are already circled (and they always are). Anyhoo, it suggested that ‘tweens (I’m assuming that’s who it was for) should and I quote, “GET TO KNOW YOUR VAGINA.”
If there are any preteens reading this just know, you shouldn’t be — now, go google One Direction and stop reading my columns.
Now that they’re gone…
I began to think about how WE were schooled on puberty. Oh, those awful videos that hadn’t been updated since the 60’s and 70’s, so the people still had combs in their back pockets, bell-bottoms, and afros. I don’t remember the exact details, but I know most were grainy, some slightly resembled School House Rock, and I’m pretty sure one of them convinced me that you could get pregnant from dry humping — if the guy came — which I’m pretty sure no cool guy ever did.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly no “dry hump” virgin. Nope, I know more than a thing or two about the friction caused by two pairs of button fly jeans rubbing uncomfortably against each other, on a waterbed, the bucket seats of a Nissan 300ZX, or the ultra-suede of a basement sofa. Look, I’m a Gen X-er, that’s what we had. Also, I was a good girl (who liked to fool around), which means I was forced to be a “dry hump” slut.
For years, I was convinced that sperm, being so powerful and microscopic, could travel through a guys boxers and Z Cavaricci’s and past my Guess jeans and little Bloomies straight into my cervix. This may be a sign that I didn’t know much about sex… but at least I was on trend.
See, we weren’t told to get to know our vaginas. In fact, I’m a bit concerned that at nearly 40 I don’t know my vagina at all. Frankly, I couldn’t pick her out of a line-up. Seriously, could you? I mean, I could probably narrow it down, like they taught you to do in SAT prep, but any vagina with the same grooming, coloring, and general size — could be mine. How sad is that? I don’t even know if my vagina has any defining marks, characteristics, or other traits that make it uniquely my own.
To make matters worse, the pamphlet may have mentioned that each vagina has a distinct personality. WTF is that all about? She has a personality? Maybe we should be conversing more, I haven’t the foggiest idea what she’s all about. Is she saucy, shy, extroverted? I don’t freakin’ know. I mean, I know she’s obstinate, yet easily swayed. That counts, no? She’s highbrow, well groomed, extremely particular, and yet, I like to think she’s adventurous.
Oh, the contradictions.
My vagina is a flippin’ onion, so many layers. How could anyone claim to truly know her? They, you, I… we couldn’t, so stop trying.
Do you hear me people? I’m saying back off — give my vagina some space. (If I had a nickel for every time I used that phrase…)
And you pamphlet writers, who are either men making a ridiculously misguided attempt at feminism or clueless guidance counselors disconnected from modern ‘tween society, could you work on being a bit more creative? Telling teens to get to know their vaginas and expecting them to take it seriously, REALLY? That’s fodder for parodies. In fact, all I could think of, while perusing your literature, was the SNL skit “You and Your Uvula,” which I’m sure dates me even more than the School House Rock reference. If you must tell girls to get to know themselves, at a bare minimum, slap a picture of Justin Bieber on the cover.
YOU, should get to know your vagina!
Most importantly, after pondering this piece and spending some QT with my vag — you know, dinner and a movie, non fat no foam lattes at Starbucks, a raucous round of kegals, panty shopping… I’ve found vaginas, like their owners, are complex creatures, who deserve the right to be themselves, to roam free, to explore. That’s right, we not only deserve better pamphlets, but free range va-jay-jay’s as well.
Ones, who don’t need to be pigeonholed into one personality trait, but can be all things at once (just like us): Happy, sad, elated, shy, giddy, self conscious, confident, and insane.
Have you never seen a woman simultaneously laugh and cry during an orgasm?
I rest my case.
PS – Take a good hard look at your va-jay today, it would be really embarrassing if she ever got arrested!
Thanks to Christine (TheAumsMama) I am HYSTERICAL right now.
I am a public health nerd and I could TOTALLY pick my vulva (though not my vagina) out of a line-up. The nerd in me wants me to tell you (a stranger) to take a mirror to your vulva and FIGURE IT OUT. It’s important to know what you have between your legs. DUDES do it all the time, why can’t women?
Sarah. Love Christine. I’m glad she sent you my way. I’m reminded of the Snl parodies You and Your Uvula. That’s all I could think about while reading this pamphlet.
You are AWESOME!
Sincerely,
That other “dry hump” slut
Phew. Barbara I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one.
Oh, excuse me Mlle., I have an issue with the following line: “And you pamphlet writers, who are definitely men and clearly clueless and pretty smug, could you work on being a bit more creative?” May I remind anyone who agrees with this snark that the whole vagina personification movement was part of the Feminist revolution of the 60’s and 70’s and represented female empowerment? Surely you don’t think men, who are chastised ad nauseum, by flirtinni clenching clatches of giggling suburbanite women, bitching about their husbands ineptitude in bed, would care a wit if woman, young or old, actually ‘knows’ her genitalia? and to such an extent as to publish a pamphlet for this strumpet’s perusal? No my dears, we will leave that sort of nonsense to the poetic feminine species, who certainly published such drek. As evidence I offer the movie ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ and the scene where Evelyn goes to the Women’s group and is horrified when she is expected to look at her vagina in a mirror- THAT is where such pamphlet’s come from honey, not the guys at the sports bar.
Stephen, loved your comment and um… duly noted. It has been corrected. LOL
Funniest article I have read for multiple reason. Also from the Gen X, I remember thinking the same thing about dry humping….so funny!
The concerning part for me (a mother of a 7 YO girl) is they are teaching kids to explore their body (read between the lines, masturbate). Do you think I want her discovering at a young age the power of an orgasm? NO….. Nothing good will come of that. Fast forward 10 years I will be a mother of a stripper since she found her “sexuality” so early.
Those pamphlets are clearly designed for the parents who are unable to discuss puberty (my parents). I was smart enough NOT to take the advice of my 15 YO boyfriend who was “IN LOVE”…… at 16 but there are SO many that aren’t smart enough or scared enough of the consequences of a pregnancy in HS. Afterall, these kids now have the morning after pill, glorified by Planned Parenthood.
Moral of the story…keep the f’in pamphlets away from my daughter I will teach her about her body, sex, moral responsibility and the importance of an education, which will go a hell of a lot further than “knowing her va jay, jay”.
Lol Elizabeth and I couldn’t agree more. We should start a “your vagina is evil” campaign so that our kids take a lot longer to get to know theirs and more importantly, longer to introduce theirs to other people!
AWESOME! ..My daughter is 13 now, and THAT is a powerful age. Remember 13?
{{Shudder}} That’s where the phrase walking hormones came from. 13 yr. olds.
Ugh the worst is yet to come. I don’t envy you teaching your daughter to find the personality of her vagina. I say we bring back chastity belts… or chastity Bono! Hmmm, I think both are gone.
I can’t stop laughing!!! I don’t wanna look at my vagina anymore. I did it once while I was pregnant and I vowed never to look at it again. Looked so sad.
P.S. Reading your posts saves me a lot of money on shrinks. Keep up the awesome work! 🙂
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