This picture implies that he was washing my car. He in fact, was not, but I couldn’t find a better picture of an elderly man near a car… MAKE DO.See how polite I’m being? Calling him an elderly gentleman and not an old curmudgeon? No, that would be rude and I am not rude. Well, unless you consider running a poor old curmudgeon over with your car “rude.” Then yes, I may be rude, but I have an excellent vocabulary and that has to count for something.
Well Judge, my infraction was merely that. I was exceeding the limit by a minuscule measurement as my true intention was to get the minors in my vehicle to an establishment of learning to imbue their gray matter with knowledge.
My lady, (This is a Parliamentary court in the 1700s, obviously.) your grasp of the English language is truly inspirational. Clearly, a logophile such as yourself could do no harm to our language, let alone an old curmudgeon. NOT GUILTY!
(BTW: A logophile is a lover of words and vocabulary, which I wouldn’t have to define for you if you were one.)
Moving on. My neighborhood is rife with inconsiderate speeders during morning carpool. Especially the first couple weeks! Most of my neighbors have kids in elementary school and being that our development is exactly .1 miles short of the school bus cutoff; we’re all trying to get to the same place at the same time (anything shy of LATE).
The fact that this elderly gentleman was in this neighborhood in the first place leads me to believe that he must’ve wandered in from somewhere with a minimum age.
Regardless – as the busy moms sped around beeping from door to door, it was I that mowed this man down. I must have been going at least 30MPH, which is fast in an area that has a sign that reads “slow children at play”.
I don’t know if they’re just not quick or there’s something wrong, but there are enough of them to require a sign.
Frankly, someone should try and speed these kids up. Maybe if they got rid of the knickers and padding reminiscent of a 1908 football game and gave out some bikes. The sign could simply read:
(Let’s be honest, these tykes don’t look so speedy either. Nor do they seem to have the latest in outdoor play equipment. Razor anyone?)
But I digress. The elderly gentleman in my story was not walking on the sidewalk, but on the street and going against traffic, no less. He held up his arm in what I took to be a friendly, hello. I waved back, pretending to recognize him, as I do with all my neighbors. Plus, he was pretty darn old, so maybe he thought he knew me. When I was about to pass him, he flung himself to the sidewalk as if narrowly escaping a careening boxcar. I guess that wave was really the international, “Slow Down Crazy Lady” sign.
Oops, I didn’t recognize it without the shaking of a cane, though he did seem a bit melodramatic.
I guess the main question is: Did he pitch himself to the curb or did I send him hurling to the sidewalk? I didn’t hear a thud; that’s always a good sign. Though it’s hard to hear much over the din of 6 elementary schoolers trying to one up each other.
Kid 1: I have PE today.
Kid 2: Yeah, well I had it yesterday and 2 kids in my class got lice from sharing bike helmets.
Kid 3: Yeah, well 4 kids in my class got lice and I sit next to one of them… who also has braces.
Kid 4: I’m getting braces.
All other kids: Lucky!
Kid 5: Yeah, well I have glasses.
All other kids: No fair!
Kid 6: Well, I may have scoliosis!
All other kids: Why can’t we have scoliosis?! (creepily said in unison)
Me: Hey, could someone look under the car for an old man?
Me Answering Myself: Huh? (I tend to answer myself in carpool, as no one pays attention to the driver.)
Still Me: Forget it.
Did I hit that elderly gentleman out for a morning walk? I can’t say for sure. I didn’t see any wrinkly parts in my chassis.
Wow, there’s a sentence that could be taken out of context!
Did I mean to run him over? Certainly not.
Do I think he was being melodramatic? A little bit.
Am I spraying out my car for lice? Without question.
(PS no elderly people were harmed in the writing of this blog… I can’t say as much for lice)
xo
-Jenny From the Blog
This is priceless. I can only hope I don’t fall in this category of an old curmudgeon. Did you at least look in your rear view mirror to see if there were any pieces on the road. I couldn’t stop laughing it was do graphic. They’ll have to put up a sign in you neighborhood to look out for the craaaazy lady in the black SUV.
Priceless!! And maybe even funnier to me since I drive the same 6 kids!!! P.s. This morning I saw the man you are talking about and I wondered to myself where did he come from…
Wow,
This was really funny and sad. I once hit a dog. I was sick about it for weeks. Unfortunately for me, I could’t even blame it on a carpool distraction.
I hope the old guy isn’t too bruised when you see him.
That’ll teach any elderly person to try and slow you down with a cane!! And if he was in the road to make a point, he may have considered first his agility and running speed before getting in front of you to yell! I’m sure his bionic hip replacement worked just fine, Jenny.
Hysterical post! It is my one and only goal today to use the line, “I didn’t see any wrinkly parts in my chassis” with someone in conversation. I’ll let you know how it goes. The conversation with your kids sounds like mine when one had the hiccups and the other was jealous. Kid one says, “well, when I’m done with them? I’ll give them to you”. Apparently can be shared much like action figures….or lice. Tee hee.
I see you are very busy running over people. Glad to see its a white male though.
my girlfriend actually ran over her office’s resident mascot…a beloved groundhog that used to hang out in the parking lot! she lost sight of him and thought she waited the proper amount of time for him to cross before moving…and then felt/heard the thud! she was crying, people in her office were coming in and saying “did you see that someone ran over Monty?” surprsingly, she owned up to it with HR!
Lori- I’m soo interested to hear how it goes and most importantly in what context you’re able to work that line into everyday conversation. I want to challenge you to use it at a Dunkin’ Donut. Let’s see whattcha got.
Nancy- Glad I could run over someone to your specifications… I usually don’t take requests.
Justin- Poor Poor Monty. The thud is the worst part.
So funny! I have to admit that I have hit an old man. When I was a nanny at the tender age of 19. I had the kids I watched in the car at the time. I was pulling out of a plaza and I didn’t even see him. He was on a bike, so fortunately, the bike took the brunt of it. But, he went down. So, I had to pick him up off the road, throw his bike in the trunk and drive him home. He was pretty banged up. It was a one-way street. How was I to know to look right, too? Lesson learned. Nice guy, though.
Mellisa that’s hilarious and really sad. At first I thought you were kidding, it started a bit porn style you know, the tender age bit and by the end I was like holy crap this happened, but the kicker was the last sentence. I felt so guilty and yet the simple (Nice guy, though) had me cracking up.
Mark- Wow, we truly make quite a pair huh?
I think you almost hit the elderly Asian gentleman who’s out walking every morning. I also believe that, while driving in your car the other day, I clipped his wife, while she was out walking. Perhaps next time we can catch them both walking together, and really fuck them up.
All I can say (besides the story being a fun ride), is I’m REALLY glad that there were no wrinkles left in your bumper. My Goddess, to think what that would have done for your insurance rates, let alone all the rude, judgmental and understandable ridicule of your friends and neighbors!
Oh, Gabriel. If it costs nearly as much to get wrinkles out of your bumper as I spend trying to get them out of my face… I’m in trouble!
Pingback: Camp Phone Calls Could End my Marriage | The Suburban Jungle
To think it’s only the first week of school. Hilarious
This had me on the floor. This is one of my favorites!
I’m confused by a couple of things.
Who was riding on the hood, snapping random photographs of old men?
Why did you run over that nice man after he washed your windows for you?
Umm, Me. And because he left a spot. I assume that makes sense now?
*quickly hides window cleaner and paper towels behind back*
Yes, it does. Thanks for clearing it up.
Pingback: Calls from Camp Could End My Marriage | The Suburban Jungle
You nailed the conversation of elementary schoolers. As for the elderly man, I hope you didn’t nail him.:)
NO WRINKLY PANTS IN THE CHASSIS?!?
HAHAHAH!!!
Oh, Lord…and the waving with the cane and you waving back and then ‘why can’t I have scoliosis?’
Can I ride with you in the morning?!? What a start to my day that would be!!! =)
Laughing like a fool in STarbucks and trying to type on my not-so-smartphone. He had no business crossing where children play. Perv. Hopefully his near death experience made him reflect on his life choices.