You might be thinking, “Jenny from the Blog, the Jen X’pert, silly girl – that’s just you. My sex life is as hot and heavy as ever.” Well, to you I ask this, “When was the last time you had sex on a surface that didn’t have sheets?” (Hmmm? been a while huh?) “Ok, when was the last time you had sex not between kids asleep time and you asleep time?” I rest my case – B-O-R-I-N-G…
Men like to assume that we’re really enjoying every single roll in the hay, but let’s be honest, once you’ve been married a few years – rolls in the hay are about as exciting as actually rolling in hay. Hay’s a bit annoying; it will attempt to go places you don’t want it to, it messes up your hair and it may necessitate a shower afterward.
Don’t pout – I’m not saying we don’t enjoy ourselves, we do. And if we didn’t you wouldn’t know anyway because over the years we’ve perfected the art of faking it – while you’ve simultaneously neglected the art of pretending you care. This is why we work so well together. Not that I’ve ever faked it. Frankly, for me, sex is like going to the mall – if I take the time to get all cute, make the effort to get there, and get naked in bad lighting, I’m damn well gonna get something in return.
Actually, I think many married women spend more time faking that we’re interested in the first place. We put sex off with phrases like: “Sorry, that time o’ the month” (well, if you’re Irish, you might say it that way), “I’m soo tired (yawn, yawn, over exaggerated arm stretch),” the full on, “Zzzzzzz,” and “My stomach’s a mess.” The last excuse is my personal favorite, because no one wants to have sex with someone who’s gassy. NO ONE. Though unfortunately, you may need to back that particular statement up… just sayin’.
So here’s my cure. Well, you know I’m a Jen X’pert so it’s my job to offer super-useful advice. We moms are multitaskers. We do stuff best when we’re doing more than one thing at a time. It’s our way – and it’s how we manage to raise our children, our pets, and yes, our spouses without going postal. Sex is one of the few things we don’t multitask while doing and I say it’s time to correct that! Here’s a list of common issues you can tackle while having sex with the hubby:
Got a case of Momnesia? Try a sudoku puzzle, a round of Words with Friends, or a crossword. “Honey what’s a 4 letter word for a line craps player’s bet?” “I’m gonna COME” “Yes, C-O-M-E, thanks babe!” Look at that – great sex and you got those synapses firing. SCORE!
Need to pay more attention to aging skin? Perfect, try Origins Clear Improvement clay based mask . You need about 10 minutes for it to dry. I hate to be presumptuous, but I think you’ll be able to get in a schtupp and possibly fold a basket of laundry within these time constraints. Also consider exfoliating while in the sack. That dead skin isn’t going to slough itself off. (Actually, I think that’s exactly what dead skin does, but we women don’t have time to wait for it to peel off naturally). Plus you can clean up the mess along with any post coital wipe downs. Oh, don’t blush, we’re friends.
Want to keep up with friends, loved ones and people you didn’t even talk to in high school? Do your much needed social networking. Comment on a few Facebook pics, send a witty tweet, watch a trending YouTube video about cats playing piano or follow up on emails during intercourse. Think of the time you’ll save getting this done during sex? Why, you could use that time to unload the dishwasher or try and get a stain out of something.
Oh, Oh G-d YES!
Have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Gala, or other event coming up (even if that event is um, a Wednesday)? Scour the internet for sales. Outnet.com’s “JustIn” section is my absolute fave and I also love a good Zappos search. I could almost have an orgasm while looking at a great sale on a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti’s. Men, think about how much less work you’d have to if we were on the brink of orgasm already? I’m thinking this is the definition of win-win.
Too many shows clogging up your TiVo? Let us watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World, The Bachelor, The Biggest Loser, The Voice or some other fabulously inane yet addictive program that makes you cringe. I mean, we’re gonna watch them anyway, this is the closest you’ll come to enjoying yourself while they’re on.
Dorkiest bachelor evah!
I think these small tweaks in our sex lives could take BORING to BEARABLE and maybe even to BLISSFUL. (Gosh, I love alliteration.) Good Luck. Oh and men, don’t get any bright ideas. If it were a perfect world we would let you men watch a game or make a sandwich while doing the deed, but we like all of your attention on US, plus you have enough trouble doing one task at a time. Sorry, it’s a woman thing.
Funny as hell. I would love to be able to blog like the top picture indicates.
I love that pic. I love how they’re talking to each other about how they’re enjoying their own sex. Sometimes I have better convos with the hubby while texting. Seriously, do we really need to physically interact anymore???
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OMG Hi-Larious. I’ve used everyone of those including the gas one. Oh, I’m ashamed!
I wanted to share, but was nervous that pic would come up for my son’s friends to see. I had to share it to a couple people as individuals because I kew it would really hit home. Who doesn’t know the drill?
I was on the floor. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could really get away with doing some of these things. I’m gonna shoot for a face mask. I mean he knows what I look like right?
Can we sign a petition to actually get our men to let us do this? Seriously, where do I sign. Just let me do a crossword.
That was fall on the floor hilarious!!! I love your writing and look forward to every piece. I would be so happy to read your blog while having sex… why wasn’t that on there?
That pic must be from Favebook.cum. Sooo Funny!
How is Marc?
Oh, Jenny it doesn’t change when you get older and the kids leave the house nope… it’s the same old same old. Maybe I could get a manicurist to come to my house and file. Would that be too much? Maybe
Another winner. I started reading your blog after the Mama’s boys piece and you never disappoint. Thanks
I’m in for doing stuff, but I want a sandwich too. Sex makes me hungry. I bet if I offered to make DH one he’d be on board.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No other words, I’m sharing with all my mommy friends!
This was so funny and made me laugh on so many levels. I know you’re a humorist, but there is so much truth in your exaggeration.
What a funny article. So sad that we all get tired of schtuppin. We like it so much in the beginning. I guess it justs goes through ups and downs just like a relationship.
I’d like to go internet shopping.. I love what you said about the shoes. I could really have a shoe-gasm!
Book marked, I really like your site! 🙂 and I sent it to my wife. She’s used everyone of those excuses. twice. in the last week.
My wife made me read this, and it was truly funny. Honey, you can watch tv if it makes you happy, but we have to agree on the show. That’s what compromise is all about.
Very informative post. Thanks for taking the time to share your view with us.
Jenny, you’re a hoot, but I am so sorry I have no sympathy for married women who can have sex whenever they want! The only thing I wanna do while I’m having sex is have more sex. LOL! I’ll save those excuses up just in case I need them in the future (NOT! I have hit a serious five-year peak!) and I’ll pass this on to all my poor married friends who wanna multitask while doing the do. 😉
If you can even think while having sex, you aren’t doing it right. And move away from the bed at least once a month. Lock your kids in their rooms or go for a drive.
Ha ha ha What an article I guess that every man must read this article a good insight on what your woman thinks and to better yourself too. GOOOOOD article.