“…It may be too late to train our hubby’s to dole out the ego boosting compliments, but our children? Yes, yes (twist handlebar ‘mooostache’ if you have one), we can work with this. Here’s a list of phrases I’d like to teach my children to say. Feel free to borrow it – it’ll make you feel good…”
Not my little girl... but still pretty cute.
The other day my daughter said, “I bet people who just meet us think we’re sisters.” Frankly, that’s a bet I wouldn’t take, but who am I to sneer in the face of lovely sentiment? I mean, that’s the kind of phrase you would have to train (or pay) a child of 7 to say, but no, she did it on her own volition. No, coaxing or prodding, not even in the hopes of getting a new Barbie out of the deal. Though I think a phrase like that deserves a new iPad – at a bare minimum.
The effect of this simple observation, that my clearly brilliant child made, was utter joy- total narcissistic mirthfulness – and that’s not a phrase I use often, as you can imagine.
This got me thinking: If this tiny guileless thought could make me feel so great, why can’t we train our children to say things that will make us feel more hip, young, or smart, and less twitchy or stabby?
Truth is, I’ve tried for over a decade to teach my hubby to say those types of lovely things and I’m still “ahem-ahemming” him when I walk out in a fabulous dress, though to be fair, the years of nagging and passive aggressiveness may have worn him down.
But children. Why didn’t we think of the children? They’re malleable, like fresh play doh: colorful, bright, mushy, and they smell somewhat edible.
Yes, yes (twist handlebar ‘mooostache’ if you have one), we can work with this.
Here’s a list of phrases I’d like to teach my children to say:
- Mommy, how come all the other mothers look so old and you look so young? Was I a teen pregnancy?
- Mommy when I ask you for yet another toy, I’m simply testing your wherewithal to be a good parent and provide limits.
- When I have a tantrum over said toy, I’m utterly impressed when you don’t give in! (Also, for the times that you do give in, I promise not to tell anyone.)
- Mommy, even though you can’t seem to convert fractions into decimals, I still think you’re smarter than daddy.
- Mommy, your butt doesn’t look fat in that insert any item here ie. dress, pants, skirt, shoes… toothbrush.
- Mommy, I don’t want to play another game of Barbie’s right now, because the amount of time you give me each day is just too much – even if you’ve been known to nod off in the middle of a ballroom scenario where you’re the ugly Barbie with the hand that’s been mauled by the dog, and I’m the other 50 one’s you’ve bought me during tantrums (ooops, sorry).
- Mommy, I don’t know what you’re talking about… you don’t have any cellulite.
- Mommy, remember when I said, “I want you to live next door to me when you’re older, so you can babysit my children whenever I want to go shopping at Justice?” What I meant was, I want you to live next door to me when I’m older so we can be the best of friends forever. Just like our heart charms say.
- Mommy, you shouldn’t feel guilty about checking your email, updating your facebook status, tweeting or playing Words with Friends while only half paying attention to me. Nay nay, I’m in awe of your ability to multitask.
- Mommy, I know I said I wished someone else’s mom was my mommy because their house had stairs. Oh and I may have said it about my grandma’s because they don’t yell as much. And also the babysitter because she’s just awesome. But I just say that to keep you on your toes. No mommy could be as perfect as you.
- I’m done with my book, now I’ll just go clean my room, run myself a bath and get along with my brother.
- Mommy, you’ve had a hard day, I can be exhausting, I know. Cab or Chard?
Look, it’s just a few more years before she hits the teens and I have to deal with all the adolescent angst. The phrases that don’t make you so mirthful like, “Can you drop me off here? I don’t want to be seen with you.” “Oh, mom you’re so queer.” “Mom could you not smack your lips when you eat? OMG, you’re so gross,” and “Please stop singing songs in the car, you don’t know any of the words!” Then I’ll have to get a new dog, a new therapist or a new hubby and lots of Botox and a boob job to fill the void that will be my shattered ego.
Until then, I say, let those little sponges use their powers for good and not evil!
Holy crap freakin hilarious! My daughter is already in the teen angst phase and I wish I could have taught her a couple of these phrases when she was little. At least I’d have the sweet memories. LMAFO
I’m printing this, except I don’t get the Barbie with the mangled hand I get the Bratz doll with the nappy hair that may or may not have once had gum stuck in it! All so true… too true.
Oh, Sherrie that makes me so nervous. I was the WORST during that phase and I know payback’s a Biotch!
Leslie – too funny I also get a Bratz with ratty hair. Then I braid it or put it in a side pony and she takes it away from me. You know, because I cuted it up?
Jenny, that was so funny, but seriously you’re so young your kids had to be born out of child labor!
They were totally born when I was working in the sweat shops. I was trying to get a couple hours off and fell in love with the boss. You know how the story goes.
Hee hee hee… totally fun!
When my oldest nephew (now 12) was a toddler I was babysitting him as he was learning to speak. Rather than follow the dumb crap my brother had left for us to practice over several days. I spent the whole time teaching him to say “Uncle Brahm is taller and better looking than my Dad is.” So yes when his folks came home that was his statement of choice, over and over again. I was so proud and excited. Man, I should be a parent….
Alfred, you would totally be a good parent… Fucking with your kids is half the fun. Just kidding, but it’s like 1/10th the fun.
GREAT Jenny!! Cab or Chard…gotta train them on that one!!! So funny…please tell me I’m one of the people Ryan would rather have as a mom 🙂
Jamie that’s a sick thing to ask. THat’s why I love you. Ry love you too, even if you don’t have stairs.
Always keep me laughing!
So funny! One evening a few weeks ago, my 5-year-old son went to the fridge to get himself a juice. He called to me in the living room, “Hey Mommy… you need another beer?” and I fell in love with him all over again.
Very funny…I remember those days, not the ones where you said I was beautiful, but the ones where you said “Go away, someone might see us talking”, or “I can’t be seen at the movies with my Mother that’s too queer”…oh, those were the days. Love ya.
Ah, you’re funny – think I may have told you that before. I’m working on “Goodnight Mummy and Daddy, it’s 7 p.m. we should really be off to bed now”. They’re only 2 and 4 but I’m CERTAIN I can get them there.
the gym teacher made my son dance with a girl in gym class. Some kind of merengue or ballroom dancing gym thing they’re doing. And he got an “N” for bad behavior for refusing to dance with her. When he came home I asked him what the big deal is b/c he dances with me sometimes in the living room for fun. And his reply was “That’s different. You’re not a GIRL”….so yeah…I really need to train my kid better with some of these phrasings you’ve got. lol
When she’s a teen, something like “Mom, Debbie and I are going to the movies. You wanna come?” can float you for a month.
THat’s what I’m afraid of!!!
oh gosh i’m so glad i never had kids, well sometimes, my niece is real cute and malleable, i taught her, at a very young age, to laugh AT EVERYTHING, including being punished, now they don’t leave her alone with me, lest she come home with a marilyn manson tattoo or something 😛
Yeah, parents LOOOOOOOVE that! LOL!