I know what you’re thinking from the title and I’m so not going there. Though that would probably work with the hubby. But, that boat sailed on our wedding night. What? I’m Jewish, it’s in the handbook. We drop that trick from our repertoire faster than we admit to not liking football.
Well, there are exceptions, but they’re pricey… cough Channel cough bag cough. Excuse me. Throat tickle.
Moving on to more likely occurrences. I was in the hip ATL – that’s Atlanta, for the white people – last week and I found the people to be incredibly cool and shockingly friendly. It was kinda like NYC meets Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and they were all hopped up on green tea frappachinos.
They have style, but a touch of that southern hospitality that you don’t usually get in big cities. It was very refreshing. Like a glass of Country Time Lemonade or an iced green tea frappachino.
Plus the ATL is filled with gay men and I love me some gay men. Southerners and gay men are a recipe for lovely conversation and usually some well placed compliments, as neither are stingy with flattery. Unlike husbands who you have to spin for, and glare at, and say subtle things like “Ahem, eh-heh-hem, do I look good in this?” Or do the kinda stuff I mentioned at the start of the post.
Let’s be frank, gay men wouldn’t want a hummer from me (unless I actually was Frank) and Southerners, well I imagine they wouldn’t mind, but I think they’d be more polite about it. You know, like. “Darling, that’d be lovely If you’re so inclined?” I don’t really know how Southerners ask for a BJ. I was picturing a gentleman caller from the Glass Menagerie on that one. I don’t have a lot of experience with Southerners and I didn’t want to make them sound too Of Mice and Men or worse, Deliverance.
Did I get off track? Damn adult onset ADD.
The people were so courteous, they asked kind questions, said “hello” as they met your eye as if they knew you… and yes there were some compliments, which required nothing on my end, but in all fairness, they weren’t exactly complementary.
I definitely felt the hospitatlity, but where were the gushing compliments that were going to get me through to the new year and pump up my confidence like a commission based sales person at Saks?
Not in the ATL.
First, there was a male hairstylist at the American Doll store. I was sure he would come up with something ego boosting. We talked… did the witty banter thing and then it came.
“I’m obsessed with…” he started.
Finally. Obsessed with what? My ombre hair? My new sweater? My smokey eye effect?
“…with Kanani’s snow suit, I haven’t seen that one in the store.”
“Oh, I got it from a company online.”
“It’s super cute. You have great taste.”
Seriously, I have great taste in American Doll Clothes? That’s what I’m getting here? Kanani is getting more love than me. She probably can’t ski anyway, she’s Hawiian!
Yeah, skiing? I don't think so.
I knew the smokey eyes would be a waste of time.
While walking in the mall a man who I don’t think was all there, or maybe I should say “was there at all,” stopped me.
“I love you’re teeth,” he blurted out.
I kid you not. I love your teeth? There’s not even a good response to that one.
“I love your beard” I said and walked on.
“Wow, all these Southerners, gay men and escaped mental patients – and I can’t even get a normal compliment?” I vented to my Mother In Law.
“Maybe that guy was a dentist,” she said, trying to give his praise some validity.
“I said I love you’re beard and he said thank you.”
“So?”
“So, he didn’t have one.”
The next day my mother in law introduced me to one of her friends, a good looking young gay man from Brazil.
“Wow, you’re daughter is hot,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said with an obvious sense of pride.
Finally. And it sounded extra sexy with his accent.
What? It was a shallow conversation?
“She is hot as hell,” he went on.
I blushed. Sure, I know, he’s gay, so when you account for the fierce factor it’s worth about half a straight compliment, but “Hot as hell?” I mean that’s a good one, no? You don’t get to hear that one much after college.
“And this is my granddaughter, she’s 7,” my mother in law went on.
“Wow, she’s hot too,” he gushed.
ummm ok, creepy, but maybe in Brazil “hot” is like our “beautiful,” we’ll let it slide.
“She is hot as hell.”
Oh, come on!!!
On a side note, if you have not yet checked out the humor site I’m a part of please do: I’m a Jewish Mom What’s Your Excuse? .com it’s hilarious and a bit racy. You’ll enjoy it whether you’re Jewish or not. Today’s post by Lori Stefanac who is outta control : I’m Such a Bubbie – she has vowed to make being a Bubbie cool. One Bubbie at a time!
IF YOU LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA!!! – I’m the new humor columnist at South Florida Parenting Magazine! If you see it in your area check me out.