I know what you’re thinking from the title and I’m so not going there. Though that would probably work with the hubby. But, that boat sailed on our wedding night. What? I’m Jewish, it’s in the handbook. We drop that trick from our repertoire faster than we admit to not liking football.
Well, there are exceptions, but they’re pricey… cough Channel cough bag cough. Excuse me. Throat tickle.
Moving on to more likely occurrences. I was in the hip ATL – that’s Atlanta, for the white people – last week and I found the people to be incredibly cool and shockingly friendly. It was kinda like NYC meets Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and they were all hopped up on green tea frappachinos.
They have style, but a touch of that southern hospitality that you don’t usually get in big cities. It was very refreshing. Like a glass of Country Time Lemonade or an iced green tea frappachino.
Plus the ATL is filled with gay men and I love me some gay men. Southerners and gay men are a recipe for lovely conversation and usually some well placed compliments, as neither are stingy with flattery. Unlike husbands who you have to spin for, and glare at, and say subtle things like “Ahem, eh-heh-hem, do I look good in this?” Or do the kinda stuff I mentioned at the start of the post.
Let’s be frank, gay men wouldn’t want a hummer from me (unless I actually was Frank) and Southerners, well I imagine they wouldn’t mind, but I think they’d be more polite about it. You know, like. “Darling, that’d be lovely If you’re so inclined?” I don’t really know how Southerners ask for a BJ. I was picturing a gentleman caller from the Glass Menagerie on that one. I don’t have a lot of experience with Southerners and I didn’t want to make them sound too Of Mice and Men or worse, Deliverance.
Did I get off track? Damn adult onset ADD.
The people were so courteous, they asked kind questions, said “hello” as they met your eye as if they knew you… and yes there were some compliments, which required nothing on my end, but in all fairness, they weren’t exactly complementary.
I definitely felt the hospitatlity, but where were the gushing compliments that were going to get me through to the new year and pump up my confidence like a commission based sales person at Saks?
Not in the ATL.
First, there was a male hairstylist at the American Doll store. I was sure he would come up with something ego boosting. We talked… did the witty banter thing and then it came.
“I’m obsessed with…” he started.
Finally. Obsessed with what? My ombre hair? My new sweater? My smokey eye effect?
“…with Kanani’s snow suit, I haven’t seen that one in the store.”
“Oh, I got it from a company online.”
“It’s super cute. You have great taste.”
Seriously, I have great taste in American Doll Clothes? That’s what I’m getting here? Kanani is getting more love than me. She probably can’t ski anyway, she’s Hawiian!
Yeah, skiing? I don't think so.
I knew the smokey eyes would be a waste of time.
While walking in the mall a man who I don’t think was all there, or maybe I should say “was there at all,” stopped me.
“I love you’re teeth,” he blurted out.
I kid you not. I love your teeth? There’s not even a good response to that one.
“I love your beard” I said and walked on.
“Wow, all these Southerners, gay men and escaped mental patients – and I can’t even get a normal compliment?” I vented to my Mother In Law.
“Maybe that guy was a dentist,” she said, trying to give his praise some validity.
“I said I love you’re beard and he said thank you.”
“So?”
“So, he didn’t have one.”
The next day my mother in law introduced me to one of her friends, a good looking young gay man from Brazil.
“Wow, you’re daughter is hot,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said with an obvious sense of pride.
Finally. And it sounded extra sexy with his accent.
What? It was a shallow conversation?
“She is hot as hell,” he went on.
I blushed. Sure, I know, he’s gay, so when you account for the fierce factor it’s worth about half a straight compliment, but “Hot as hell?” I mean that’s a good one, no? You don’t get to hear that one much after college.
“And this is my granddaughter, she’s 7,” my mother in law went on.
“Wow, she’s hot too,” he gushed.
ummm ok, creepy, but maybe in Brazil “hot” is like our “beautiful,” we’ll let it slide.
“She is hot as hell.”
Oh, come on!!!
On a side note, if you have not yet checked out the humor site I’m a part of please do: I’m a Jewish Mom What’s Your Excuse? .com it’s hilarious and a bit racy. You’ll enjoy it whether you’re Jewish or not. Today’s post by Lori Stefanac who is outta control : I’m Such a Bubbie – she has vowed to make being a Bubbie cool. One Bubbie at a time!
IF YOU LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA!!! – I’m the new humor columnist at South Florida Parenting Magazine! If you see it in your area check me out.
Cute, I guess southerners aren’t as sincere as us northerners…yall come back, ya hear.
Us northerners tell it like it is. Not an unenviable trait unless you want something sugar coated which many people do. Well not Ben the bachelor.
Wowza! Atlanta, or as I just learned, ATL for those of us in the know, has always been on my list of places I wanna go, and now after reading this it has just moved up the list!
Havent heard the expression “Hummer” in a long while… maybe since I am married? Coincidence, I am sure…!
Alfred, don’t you love that word though? It makes you seem kinda cooler just saying it. And obviously we’re both super cool, duh.
Last time I was in ATL the closest thing to a compliment I got was when people (MANY) said “You talk funny.” Apparently, that’s ATL for you live in the North. For the record, you’re hot and, no, I don’t want you to give my ex a hummer just because I said that.
Thank you Wendy. If you would have added “…as hell” that may have gotten your ex something, but luckily you didn’t because exes don’t deserve to enjoy things, do they?
It happened for the first time recently.
While my daughter is 10 years older than yours, I was still creeeeped.
Two guys about 10 years too young for and 10 years too old for her passed by and cooed. Mmmmmmm,,, which one to chose? Hot daughter or hot mother?
I’m pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little.
Oh, that’s a whole other bag of worms. No one wants to hear cat calls at their little girl. Next time you bust in front of her and say “me just me me me only look at me you sick pervs” like taking a bullet. She’ll thank you later. You may need to flash them.
I used to have a special gift where guys who were missing teeth would gravitate toward me like I was wearing magnet underwear. Since I turned 40, my American Girl doll (Ivy!) gets more attention than I do.
We have Ivy and she is my personal favorite. First of all, I heard you say “my” American doll. That may be your first problem. Men do not gravitate towards 40 year old women who carry dolls. Let Ivy hang with Julie and take yourself and your magnetic underwear past a construction site.
I guess I’m old fashioned. I love how southerners embrace you and compliment you til the cows come home (that’s my attempt at southern speak) to your face, then backstab you as soon as you walk away. Now THAT’S polite!
As far as getting compliments from the gay men? You were too subtle. You start off with, “Aren’t my shoes ADORABLE?” or “Don’t you LOVE my hair?” and then they HAVE to acknowledge your shoes or your hair. Gay men are like that. They won’t be rude like our husbands who will come back with, “Are you completely f*@!ing insane?”
Apparently, I do better with people who’ve escaped from institutions. That said, I will find the craziest twitchy eyed lookin people and ask them how I look. I’m sure the results will be ego boosting… or nightmare enducing!
—OMG,
This was Faaaaaaabulous.
I am still laughing about the “Hot as Hell” comment.
Absolutely Brilliant Stuff. X
Thanks inner chick. “Brilliant” never fails to make me feel superior… I mean, good!
I do love a complement, when I can get one. But I do find the gay men I know are the most likely to say something about what I’m wearing or how I look. Let’s see, 2nd place is probably guys I work with who’ve had a lot to drink at the holiday party. At home, the best I might expect is “who’s cute?” Kinda nice, but still no one’s going out on a limb with that one!
Really. You gotta get some more phrases in the boy’s repertoire. Have them watch Rachel Zoe, that’ll get you a few, “I die’s” and “You look Ba-na-nas.”
Sandi, sandi. Thought I lost you forever. I got me some dentures. Can we try again. Only Kiddn. You probably wouldn’t like me with the new Grille.
Loved the blog. Gonna go now and eat some Pablem.
Wilern, are you talking to imaginary friends again???
Wilern! Sorry, didn’t recognize you with the teeth.
And Jenny, good call, I’ll probably look younger and thinner if I don’t carry Ivy around.
Ahhhh, it all makes sense now. Wilern get that grill in gold and you’ll attract a whole new crowd. Sandi- you may not look younger withOUT the doll, but you’ll definitely look saner and thinner. Dolls tend to add weight to the midsection… obvi!
Jenny, love the column but please learn the difference between you’re and your.
Oh; Shannon! I ave a very rare end hard to fix spelling and grammer disorder> Its an editers’ nitemare. I bet ewe feel reely guilty about bringin’ it 2 the attention of all my reeders; Dont ewe?>
I feel your pain. I too get complemented on my teeth a lot. 1. I am pretty sure they are not that great. 2. I just spent an hour applying make up and am wearing really uncomfortable but totally cute shoes… and you are looking at my teeth?
And also, someone called my two year old daughter a “total hotty” which really creeped me out….
The answer is to eat a ton of lemons and drink coffee and tea like it’s water… or coffee. Then you will stain your teeth and people can compliment you on the important stuff, like your shoes. If it gets embarrassing tell them you’re British.