This post is from my favorite new blog: I’m a Jewish Mom, What’s Your Excuse? It’s a blog about GUILT, ANXIETY, MISCONCEPTION, AGING, SEX, SARCASM, SALES, SHOPPING and OTHER SHIT.
You do not have to be Jewish to read it, thought there is a reader test. You only have to have a good sense of humor and not be anti-Semitic. I will be a big part of this blog along with other hilarious Jewish mamas that will make you feel saner with every passing post. Check it out.
That's me in the red bag. Well, it represents me. I'm being anonymous. I know, it's mysterious right? Is it attractive? They say mysterious is attractive. How about appealing? You kinda love me huh? I guess the other person in the bag represents my husband, though in reality he doesn't tower over me like Kris did to Kim. Sure, another reason for their inevitable demise. A good rule of thumb: When it looks like your husband might eat you, it's time to get out. (Or carry a lot of saltines.) Please, every Jewish woman knows that a two pack of saltines can get you through to your next meal. There will be other awesome tips like that to come so seriously, stay tuned.
‘This is my alter-ego. The me who says it all with no holds barred. I’m so not telling you who I am… or at least until this thing takes off, but let’s just say I’m Uber famous.
Yeah, let’s say that.
I mean why not.
Of course with all my wealth I can’t afford a computer that puts the two dots over the U in uber, which by the way are called umlaut-dots. I know this because I am also uber smart and know how to search things on Google. But you know what, those umlauts can go f@ck themselves. Oh yeah, I said that, and I cuss too. Kinda…
They weren't so chipper when I told them to F@ck Off
Yep, like a truck driver.
Without provocation.
When it doesn’t even fit the story.
Gratuitously… Like Halle Berry nude scene in “Swordfish” or Paris Hilton in sex scene in her texting video, I mean sex tape.
See, I would never tell umlauts to f@ck themselves in real life for fear that one might beat me up or worse, not like me. But anonymous alter egos can do lots of shady shit.
For instance: You know Superman was some kind of deviant exhibitionist? He lived in a house made of ice for G-d’s sake. I’m sure Lois didn’t even know about his kinky side. Please, the man could put on glasses and she wouldn’t recognize him, imagine how easily she’d be to fool by a cock-ring?
I can’t believe I just used the word cock, which let me tell you, does not fall trippingly off my tongue in my day to day life.
Sorry, I have to take a sec and point out that the last line was meant to be a Shakespeare reference that ended up sounding shockingly dirty and was so not my intention there. Look, I’m gonna let you know when I’m being crass on purpose or not. That’s my promise to you, the reader.
Being that I get to completely reinvent myself here. I’m going to call myself Lady Gaga. No wait, that’s totally taken, okay, how about
Madonna? Pink? Li Lo? Fire Crotch?
Ugh, all the good names are taken.
I’ll just go with Cher, that’s original.
For my husband I’m thinking Thor, no wait, Thor doesn’t quite fit.
Dion? No that’s too “Clueless.”
How about something more Jewish, like Abraham? No, that’s too jewish, ok Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan, Jason Segal, Jon Stewart? All taken?
Maybe we should go back to the one name kinda names? Ummm, let’s see, Barney? Elvis? Fabio? Jesus? O.J.? Prince? Q-Tip? Shaq? Waldo? Noah?
Yes, perfect. You know, Noah… from the ark? Great, a one name Jewish moniker. Lovely.
Noah and Cher. We will have a Boy and a Girl and a dog and a cat. Names to come. That was exhausting enough. But if you have suggestions please leave them in my box.
Hello, my comment box. Sheesh, you people are already out of hand and the balls are barely rolling.
Incorrigible!
*By the way, you don’t have to be Jewish to read the blog, though I prefer you not be anti-Semitic. I know, that was exclusionary of me, but it still stands.
Welcome,
Cher the Jewish Motha’”
To take the test and see whether I’m a Jewish Mother, What’s Your Excuse is for you click here.
Like on FaceBook
To sign up for more from Cher, Me and Otha Jewish Motha’s here’s the form: