All the Threats Came True – My Kids Finally Gave Me an Ulcer






So, I went in for an endoscopy the other day, mostly because I thought it would be a great way to take an uninterrupted nap and frankly, I’ll do lots of things for a nap (swallowing a camera being one of the least invasive).  Oh, also it was offered by my GI after telling him I’d lost my appetite due to a constant dull aching in my stomach and chest chronic pressure.

Well, if I’m being honest. I called him (he’s a friend) to ask what was going on and by the time he got back to me I’d unfortunately already found the amazingly addictive WebMDsymptom checker.

That’s where hypochondriacs, like myself, are rewarded with affirmation that their hangnail may or may not have gangrene or their inability to remember names is probably due to Gulf War Syndrome.  After a few clicks of filling in symptoms, I was pretty sure I either had GERD or I was going into cardiac arrest. Another reason to keep a defibrillator around the house. (Those things pay for themselves.)Screen Shot 2013-08-03 at 11.29.42 AM

Aside from the amazing nap and the warm blankets, I had them refresh as soon as they lost their heat, I found out I’ve developed two ulcers and a hiatal hernia – AWESOME. I know, I just wrote about how carbs are the devil in, Carbs Are Like That Hot Guy You Loved in The 80s, and I still believe what I wrote, but since going off the flour and grains these issues have arisen.

I’m not saying it’s related, though the stress of finding things that are carb/Gluten free is not to be underestimated. Add 2 kids a dog, an attack kitten, a job, a hubby, OCD, and a healthy dose of generalized anxiety to the mix and frankly, it’s a miracle I’ve held out so long. Now I can say, “You’re giving Mommy an ulcer,” with real authority (I know you’re jealous).  Let’s face it — It’s always fun to say, “I told you so” to your kiddos.

Though I don’t know if it’s worth it — As it turns out the diet one must keep for ulcers and a hernia — plus me cutting out carbs pretty much leaves me a menu of like, lint and paste. I only say that because they were not on the list of things I can’t eat and they seem pretty harmless.

The lists of what not to eat for an ulcer or for hiatal hernia (combined) looks something like this:

Meat, anything that was once alive, anything that was never alive, anything spicy, honey, sugar, icing, fillings, acids, bases, things that grow in the ground or on a tree, nuts of any sort including food that seems crazy, raw veggies, cooked veggies, dairy products or anything that has ever seen a cow or been in the vicinity of a cow, things you could fit in your mouth, fruit drinks, drinks with caffeine, drinks without caffeine, alcoholic beverages, beverages that are made to seem like they have alcohol but don’t, anything that could be served in a coconut with an umbrella or mini-sword, drinks that are wet.

What I can eat: fiber and whole grains (which is exactly what I stood on my high horse about not eating last month). Seriously?

While I’m still trying to avoid grainy carbs, there’s really no telling when I will inevitably snap.

Which is why I feel it necessary to mention that I seriously may kill for a sandwich … Oh, I mean it, and not in the exaggerated way people say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” I mean I may legitimately pull out one of those stupid toothpicks that holds your sandwich together and stab you in the throat with it.

This is why I need naps — to forget that I’m old and “ulcery” and not quite as heathly and nimble as I was at 20 or 30 or yesterday. Also, to make me feel less like stabbing someone with a sandwich toothpick!

I’m thinking of getting my wisdom teeth out next.

PS – Did I mention the lists of what “not to do” include positions that I should not be in — You know, for optimum comfort? I should not lean forward, bend down, crouch, lie down unless on a 75 degree angle , jump, bounce, jog, or lean to the side.

All of the above taken into consideration, here is your warning:

If you see a person doing a half back-bend while ambling and eating dust covered paste, hide your breads and baked goods, or you may die.

XO – Jenny From the Blog

Let’s Take a Poll: What have your kids given you?

11 thoughts on “All the Threats Came True – My Kids Finally Gave Me an Ulcer

  1. brenda

    I hate to say I told you so, Jenny, but this is why, every thing in moderation. Grains and carbs aren’t inherently evil. Crazy diets are. As one with severe food allergies and GERD, and IBS, let me tell you, if you can tolerate it, you should eat it. Otherwise you’ll go insane. Feel better!

  2. Kzinti

    After a colon cancer diagnosis, I’ve been on a low-fiber, low-residue diet for 16 months – I’m ready to stab someone so I can have a salad, or popcorn, or beans, or nuts, or tortilla chips (didn’t know that tortilla chips were high in fiber, did you)?

    I swear that if they tell me I won’t beat the cancer, I *WILL* have a meal consisting of all of these things!

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Kzinti- I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I’m pretty sure you can stab someone with one of those plastic swords that come with fruity drinks. So hang out at bars with great menus and the opportunity will totally arise! (PS- My prayers with you!)

  3. Sleepy

    Im another that woke from the amazing sleep to hear they found cancer. I asked if I would need similar surgery, at least 3 more in the next 6 weeks dr said. My reply FANTASTIC cure the cancer and the black bags under my eyes that have been a constant reminder of what two kids 15 months apart, and one with autism, will do to a youthful face. Those warm blankets are worth giving hair up for I tell ya! Wishing all us mums rest and speedy recoveries xxx

  4. Vicki Wolf

    You always make me laugh. The list of things you cant eat had me laughing so hard that I had tears in my eyes! I can’t wait to read it to my husband later.
    P.s. I hope you feel better….ulcers are awful!

  5. Bari

    Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,
    Oh my GOD, no fooling… What didn’t I know this news?!?. You MUST help to heal yourself with prayer for yourself and others regularly, regular day meditation. Deepac Chopra recommends 2 houRs a day( he obviously doesn’t have kids) so get in this habit when the kids go back to school.
    Enjoy all healthy distractions from stress .
    Consider downloading, listening to and following the “Wild Devine” relaxation series. It’s very soothing.
    Caffeine, tomato sauces and chocolate are not your friends!! Nor are downward Dogs and strenuous push-ups . Exercise upright!!
    I’m praying for a complete and total recovery for you!!!! Get well, vela completely and don’t leave me in the dark. All of our truths just are…


    Well, don’t fee too bad about having to eat carbs, I just read something about the gluten free diets, that said it doesn’t have enough fiber. There is always good in moderation. I know you will get better soon. I will it…

  7. Madredelsigloxxi

    Oh so sorry to hear that, but even with an ulcer you managed to make me laugh my socks off!!
    My kid is only 14 months but he has already given me constant bags under my eyes and grey hair, loads of it 🙁 (and here i was thinking i was gonna be like my mother and get my first grey hair at 50) ,
    Always fun to read you!

  8. L.E. Bruce

    Just wandered over from The Bloggess, and had to comment. Last year I developed laryngopharyngeal reflux, which, in the grand scheme of things, is fairly minor, (but can become major) and very annoying. This also happened after I switched to gluten free/grain free life style. And I am still a believer. I don’t think that caused your problems. I have also come to realize that traditional medicine is not going to fix me. My doctors just want to give me anti acides, with the accompanying bloating, cramps, diarrhea, and general misery. Which I would totally do, except that it doesn’t work. So I am still trying to figure it out. I am suspending my general skepticism and trying some alternative medicine–acupuncture and NAET. (Don’t even ask…you don’t really want to know, you just want to believe. At this point I would wear chicken bones around my neck if it would get rid of this problem.) There are a number of excellent web sites that you might find useful:,,

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