After writing about how you know if you’re the mom of a boy or the mom of a girl, I realized there are so many indicators that define us moms and literally set us apart from every other life force on Earth. So, here you have it: Signs You’re a Mom or as I like to say, You Know You’re a Moms IF…
1. You haven’t heard your actual name the entire day, but you’ve been beckoned relentlessly.
2. You’ve ever sang Old MacDonald with the same enthusiasm you once sang I Will Survive.
3. Lying is always an option, as in … “I’m sorry, the arcade is closed on Sunday.” “I love the outfit you put together yourself.” “You’re right, you do sound just like Beyonce when you sing.” and “No, they don’t give ketchup at the drive-thru.”
4. You have some sort of stain on your clothing that you would literally have to taste to place. What is that latte or spit up? Hmm… Gimme a sec… Oh, it’s spit up.
5. You’ve recently consumed a partial plate of sliders, french fries, chicken nuggets, or mini hot dogs and you weren’t attending Mayor McCheese’s wedding.
6. A bulldozer could roll by your bedroom and you wouldn’t even rustle, however you could decipher the sound of a sniffle at 4AM … across the house … without a monitor … in a thunder storm.
7. You’ve circled the block quite a few times solely to extend your date night past 9PM.
8. You’ve actually fallen asleep while reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar, singing the alphabet, or trying to figure out what sound a chick makes.
9. You have an arsenal of shameful tactics to convince other humans to eat (“Here comes the plane.” “There’s a party in your belly.” “Of course, there aren’t veggies in this brownie. Why would anyone do something crazy like that?”)
10. You are fully capable of having conversations while sleeping and they may be as scintillating as the ones you have when you’re awake.
11. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
12. You’ve recently been asked to look at someone’s poop for assessment or for no reason at all.
13. You repeat things you swore you never would, like: “Because I said so.” “One day you’ll thank me.” and “Are your legs broken?” simply because they buy you just a minute of peace — and that is way more valuable than keeping any promise you made to yourself when you were a kid.
14. Someone at some point has peed, pooped, or thrown-up on you and it may have happened in the same day.
15. You consider scented hand sanitizer to be a fancy purchase.
16. Someone else uses your smart phone and all your tech products, for that matter, more than you do.
17. You live in a world where “Maybe” means never and “We’ll See” means, when hell freezes over, but somehow those around you haven’t picked up on it yet.
18. You can cut a sandwich into many more shapes than two triangles.
19. You consider a night at TGIFriday’s fine dining.
20. You can’t pee, sleep, or shower without knowing there’s a distinct possibility you’ll have company.
21. You’ve used all the dishes out of the dishwasher before you got around to actually unloading it.
22. You can use your keyboard, phone, iPad, but there’s a good chance your fingers will stick to it.
23. The term “minivan” has a certain je ne sais quoi.
24. You’re busier than Martha Stewart, Ryan Seacrest and Donald Trump … all rolled into one.
25. You do more pretend cooking in a miniature kitchen than you do actual cooking in the full sized one (and frankly, you’re not sure which tastes better).
26. You secretly wish there was some mommy competition involving your child’s trendy crafts because you’re a freakin’ whiz on the Rainbow Loom, you make a mean potholder, and you’re not so bad with a spool of gimp ahem, lanyard.
27. A dance party, song fest, or drawing competition may be impromptu … but it’s never unexpected.
28. Dealing with a monumental breakdown over the over the tag in a shirt, the seam on the sock, or the elastic on of a pair of undies seems totally normal.
29. You know the one rule about stuffed animals: One Can Never Have Too Many of Them!
30. Your make-believe life is way more exiting than your actual life.
31. ANYTHING can be over-dramatized… a trip to Target feels like a Spanish soap opera.
32. There’s a Happy Meal toy in your purse.
33. If you find yourself holding a living creature that you would usually run away from screaming.
34. You have an unhealthy knowledge of the point/gem system for Temple Run, Dragonvale, Bakugan, Plants vs. Zombies, Cube Runner …
35. You bought a car based solely on how much you could fit in the trunk.
36. You’ve actually placed yourself under a tree with the feeling that, if that kiddo loses footing, you’ll at least be there to break the fall.
37. You know the pain of stepping on a Lego … and may in fact, have one imbedded somewhere in your body right now.
38. You’ve found yourself saying things like, “No, you can’t ride the dog.” and “Yes, you do have to keep your pants on in public.”
39. You’re on a first name basis with the orderlies at the ER who provide slings, splints, casts, and those velcro boots.
40. You have a love so intense, so fierce, so all consuming — it can only be understood by another mother.
XO- Jenny From the Blog
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Yes to all of these! I tasted a mystery spot on my shirt just this morning… and my son calls me in to inspect his poop every day just to see if it’s bigger or smaller than yesterday.
OH Jenni, too funny. What I really want to know is, what was on your shirt. I’m taking bets on Popsicle juice.
The ER one was the most funny.
When I was a kid… I was in the ER every week… Sometimes two to four times.
I knew all the town gossip, who the new nurses and doctors were, where they came from, how much they earned, and what their off hours/ private prices were. Not mentioning their kid’s names, wife’s names and used all doctor’s and nurse’s first names…
Age in question…
8 to 10.
Medical files,… Were about 10 inches thick a month.
And the dreaded phone most parents get… ” Hello Mrs./Mr. your son is in the ER…”
My mother knew the number off by heart. Her reply without missing a breath. “What did he do to himself this time…?”
Dragged by my dog, for 2 city blocks… check… (full head to toe bandages)
Getting infected by Red Tide… turned full head to toe into ER trip, and hospital stay…
I loved my mother, and am grateful that she was there in my life.
I am a 29 year old male.
You know without checking that the long hard thing poking you in the back in bed is a light saber and not what you wish it was… Without even having to check.
Numbers 5 and 19 make me never, ever, ever want my daughter to grow any older.
The other day, I was getting ready for bread, and found a raisin in my bra when taking it off. The Girl probably stashed it there to nurse and forgot about it. The sad thing, because this isn’t sad enough, is that the dog wasn’t around, and I was too tired to make it to the garbage, so I just ate it.
And it was a sad, gummed-to-the-brink corpse of a raisin. Which had been nestled against my tits. And I thought: NOW I’m a mother.
Circling the block on date night! I thought I was the only one with this problem. It happens to us every time we go out. Sometimes we go grocery shopping after dinner just to make sure the kid is asleep before we get home.
I have said all of 15 and gave up stopping and thinking “Oh No, I sound just like my mum” after the third time. Mum used to have a saying “Were you born in barn?” when I left a door open – I thought she was stupid (being a know it all teenager) until I saw a hay barn which has no doors or windows in the UK. My daughter is 19 and I still don’t shower alone (wow, that sounds bad) because I swapped kids for dogs so I usually have a baby dog trying to get in the shower with me.
Oh, yes, to all of these! After having kids, my hearing has become so super-sonic I can hear my next door neighbor sneeze. I may never sleep through the night again.
I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die. I feel better knowing that after my luxurious dinner at Chili’s it is perfectly acceptable to take the “scenic” route home.
All too true!! and as for 15, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree…another quip you can hope you will never repeat…
So timely – I was just wondering if my other friends lie to their kids as much as I do. But do you ever cheat at board games to speed things up? #shameless
I ALWAYS get visited in the bathroom. And I ALWAYS yell about it. Obviously I need a new plan.
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Those stuffed animals come in handy.
So I’m running out to the van to go get lunch and it starts pouring. I get in and I’m soaked. I look around for a towel, napkin, something to dry off with. What do I end up using? A teddy bear. Take a moment to picture that.
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OH MY..dying laughing, because how I can relate to all..lol!! Recently gone thru # 8…thanks!