Last night, on the eve of my son J’s 12 birthday, he called me into his room. As you guys know, I’m obsessed with the fact that, as our sweet boys grow up they need and want us around less and less… I worry about the bond of Mothers and sons and struggle with the knowledge that they’ll eventually be stolen away by some hussy, I mean their future wives. (See – Moms of Boys are Jealous Shrews, for more on that.)
Let’s just say, I spend a great deal of time rocking in a corner reminiscing about reading J bedtime stories and hearing him rattle off (in one breath) all the things the Very Hungry Caterpillar ate (how he learned the days of the week) and watching him dramatically gasp for air as if it was sooo hard to talk so fast … and beam with pride, as if he hadn’t done the very same thing the night before that and before that and bef…
Needless to say, nowadays, when he calls me in to talk, I drop everything and run to his door.
Then I collect myself, take a deep breath and enter slowly and nonchalantly, as if I was passing by anyway. (See, When Your Tween Pays Attention to You – Act Natural, for more on that.)
J: Mom, I have to tell you something crazy.
Me: Yeah, OK, I guess I have a minute or two.
J: At lunch everyone is soooo inappropriate. They talk about all kinds of things … and in front of the girls. (He said, implying girls should not have to hear such profanities … I do love my wide-eyed little boy.)
Me: (Trying to help him maintain his sense of ethics, but not come off like a total prude in front of his friends.) Like cursing? Cuz that’s no biggie.
J: … and the girls are sometimes more inappropriate than the boys! (He said, ignoring me, and making it clear his new revelation about girls was somewhat shocking … These are the times I wonder if he’s Amish.)
Me: Welcome to the world, my love. Girls aren’t always as sweet and demure as they look (please never read my blog). In middle school, cursing is like learning a new language.
J: I’m not talking about cursing, I’m fine with that, I’m talking about motorboating.
Me: I’m sorry what? (That is not what I expected.) Are they actually motorboating or just talking about it?
J: No, talking about it. Well, I don’t know … I mean, what exactly is motorboating?
Howww sweet? My 6th grader needs my help. Fine, he doesn’t need to know what day comes after Monday, or what colors can be combined to make green, but he needs to know what motorboating is, and I shall tackle this as I would any pertinent query.
Of course, I knew this day would come. I said to my husband on the eve of J’s 1st birthday:
“You know, one day this cute little nugget will ask where babies come from and before we know it, he’ll want to know about the birds and the bees … and sooooomewhere in between he’ll probably ask about motorboating. Will we be ready, honey? Will we be able to give him everything he needs?”
Mark: We will answer each of his questions with the level of honesty that is applicable to his age… we will be mature … we will be sophisticated.
Me: Forsooth, we shall be ready. (We were really formal in 2002.)
And last night, when a new test of Motherhood was set upon me … I was ready.
I said, “Motorboating is when a guy sticks his head between a girls boobs and does this (then I swung my head back and forth while making a raspberry sound).
J: Really? I wasn’t expecting that.
Me: Tis the truth, now go forth with your friends and be inith on the inane jokes they maketh…
I think my work is done here. AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!
QUESTION: WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THE SAME???
Tell me in comments or in likes if you would’ve done what I did. And if you’ve done something similar, you have to share because I need to know I’m not alone here.
I cannot even describe how much I love you! I have a tween boy too and I relate so much to all of your posts, except that you have a girl too (lucky!), so you will never know the pain of raising THREE boys that will all leave you for various hussies. While you try vainly to figure out how to cook something edible while they’re young so maybe they will want to visit for the cooking someday. Waaaaa…
Awww you’re so sweet. And, with three, you’ve got a chance that at least one will stick around … start looking for orphan girls to fix them up with ASAP!
Absolutely hysterical!!! You didn’t really… Now I know what motorboating is. He’s right totally inappropriate.
I did… I can’t have all the kids talking about motorboating and him not knowing what he’s laughing at. If there’s one thing I learned in middle school, it’s that you need to be armed for it!!!
Yes, I would have done the same. My daughter is 11 and we have had a ton of inappropriate but necessary conversations. I would rather just tell her the truth and laugh about it. Hopefully she will come to me for anything and know that I will give it to her straight. The first time I told my daughter what balls were, we just walked around saying “balls” and laughing for a week– okay…we still laugh when we say it…and we still randomly shout it out from time to time. But it’s good to laugh with your kids and not be so serious all the time. Very fun post, the image of you demonstrating it was priceless.
Yes, balls are funny and we too talk about them a lot. I agree, I mean without me my perfect demonstration would he really know the nuances of the motorboat??? I think not!
I would absolutely have done the same. Honesty (even with kids) is always the best policy. Sometimes it scares them away from the very thing we want them to stay away from. -Sierra (mother of 2 daughters)
Well, when it comes to scaring them, I’m for a little exaggerated honesty.
You are a good, good mom! I’ve got an 8th grade boy so I know ALL about what you’re talking about!
You’ve probably moved on to the big time … like cock block and superman… good luck with that!
I love this. I don’t know if I’m a bigger fan of you not only describing but actually quasi-demonstrating motorboating or using “forsooth” in a blog. I think you had to tell him and the fact that you were both honest and cool about it will encourage future conversation. Those will probably also be awkward or insane, which is maybe bad for you, but a win for us, your readers, and for him, because really, you’ve gotta have someone to tell you these things.
I’ve longed to use that word and it seemed to fit perfectly. I say any blog that doesn’t use forsooth nowadays is pretty cockamamie.
Also, I agree with the honesty part and look forward to more insane conversations!
That is so incredibly awesome. That is how Pi and I envision(ed) ourselves talking to our daughter (who is 4 and motorboating hasn’t come up yet!). The reason why I put envision in parenthases past tense is because it seems that now only ONE of us is agreeable to talking openly, honestly and, most importantly HONESTLY with our daughter about such topics. I forget what the conversation was that I heard over the monitor, but when Pi walked downstairs and I asked him, “what happened to the open and honest discussions?” he told me, “yeah, you’re going to have to be the one to do that.”
Ah. I love it when we parent together!
That’s too funny. You never know what you’re gonna get until you’ve already got it. That should totally be a quote hmmm maybe if I work in something about chocolate??? Anyhoo, I had an idea of how things would be so chillish and then my kids started getting homework and my hubby became more drillish – who knew???
Very funny and informative blog. What a sweet kid J is. You added a New word to my vocabulary, motorboating. In My day, long ago, the only Bird and bee conversation I recall having with my parents was relative to our Parakeet, Pee Wee. The bird only wanted to make on my moms head. I think your mom took care of B & B conversations with you. By the way, does jakes school have Pole Dancing as part of their curricula?
It used to suffice to say that floating down the intercoastal on a yacht was a days entertainment. Now that I really know what motor boating is I’m not so sure!
I wisheth thou werest mine own mother. You are hysterical. I have no idea what I would say.
I love that you had to ask if they were actually doing the motorboating or just talking about it. It reminds me of a time when I took sailing lessons and they were talking about shaving their legs but when I told the story to my mother, she thought the girls were shaving their legs during the lessons.
Love it! My parents never talked about that kind of stuff and I wish they would have! I learned what motorboating was from my husband when I was 24.
LOL that’s an image especially when I look at your screen pic!
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No, I absolutely would not have given such an answer to an innocent and impressionable young boy – because until now I didn’t have a clue that motorboating meant anything other than going for a ride in a motor boat. Where do you learn these things? I will confess, however, that I once gave a thoughtful (and lengthy) explanation of what a condom is used for when my 9 year old son asked, “mom, what’s a rubber?”. Only later did I find out that he was reading a book in which the characters were playing bridge. Ever since then I’ve learned to say, “Why do you ask?” before barging ahead. Actually, I’m glad that I didn’t know he was talking about a bridge game because then I would have just looked stupid.In the context of bridge I have no idea what a rubber is.
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