While my washer and dryer were hard at work and my dishes were in the final rinse cycle, the ball dropped to ring in the New Year.

I had just called my kids in to watch the countdown while simultaneously thanking my lucky stars that J and Ry had missed the pre-New Year’s performance Miley gave, where she awkwardly cradled/fondled a midget, while she donned a pair of upper-vagina-accentuating gold sequin pants that did her bod no justice and oddly reminded me of what Molly Shannon would wear when she kicked and yelled, “I’m fifty,”

After wiping the sweat off my brow, emptying my glass of champagne, and making a mental note to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I blew my hubby (who was sick and spent the night matching me shot for shot with a bottle of Nyquil) a kiss and then shooed our guests out the door before the clock hit 12:01.  (PS I just realized I should have saved the parenthetical in the middle of  “blew my hubby a kiss” until after I completed the sentence. Poor guy — only gets it in a grammatical error.)

Anyhoo, it dawned on me, New Years used to be a romantic night (see When Harry Met Sally) … so did Birthdays, Anniversaries … Saturdays. Some of those events still are, but most of those would-be enchanted evenings have been replaced with J’s travel baseball, taking Ry to the movies, and trips to an arcade and a gourmet burger joint.

I recently analyzed the not so subtle differences in what I found hot before marriage and after marriage and now it’s time to take a good hard look at the evolution of the date night. Then vs Now:

• Then – Though unlikely, you may have accidentally spilled a couple drops of wine on your dress and wondered if it would leave a ring.
• Now – You will most likely end up with at least a couple drops of ice cream, smoothie, spit-up, sippy cup contents, condiments, or snot on your jeans and you’ll wonder why you didn’t just leave on your sweatpants.

• Then – You had a good chance of going somewhere fancy where the food has been aged and that’s a good thing (though you may have only ordered the salad and regretted it).
• Now – You have a good chance of going somewhere that may have a drive-through option where through is spelled “thru” and you will ultimately not get a salad and regret it.

• Then – Your restaurant may have had an area where wine bottles sat in neat rows waiting to be uncorked.
• Now – It’s likely that the only things that sit in neat rows are the highchairs and the only things being uncorked are kids with pacifiers.

• Then – You took time to get ready and look amazing for your night out, it was the least you could do.
• Now – To get out the door, you do the absolute least you can do.

• Then – You made special trips to the bathroom to apply lipstick, check your makeup, and clean any stray food from your teeth.
• Now – You make many more trips to the bathroom, to apply a liner of paper to toilet seats, check that your lying kids actually wash their hands, and help little ones wipe.

• Then – If you caught a flick, it would’ve been about the romance you still believed possible. You know one where the guy does amazing feats to get the girl? Preferably starring Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, or Reese Witherspoon.
• Now – If you catch a flick where the actors aren’t hand drawn or the story isn’t converted from a comic book you consider yourself lucky.

• Then – Leftovers may be given to you in the form of a foil swan.
• Now – What leftovers? They will be eaten by you, as you’ve convinced yourself picking fries and mac ‘n’ cheese off your kids’ plates doesn’t really count as calories.

• Then – You ordered things you could barely pronounce and you felt silly.
• Now – You’re kids order things they can barely pronounce and you think it’s adorably silly.

• Then – You may have been surprised with tickets to a show that involved adults singing and you were thrilled to leave with the soundtrack.
• Now – You plan for months to go to a show where adults are wearing big felt covered heads and the last thing you want to leave with is the soundtrack.

• Then – You could put money on the fact that you wouldn’t hear someone burp or fart during your Saturday night out.
• Now – Eh, not such a sound bet. And what’s scarier is, it’s possibly you.

• Then – You would’ve killed for Tivo, as you never made it now in time for SNL.
• Now – You’re Thankful for Tivo, as you can’t seem to make it to the Weekend Update.

• Then – Other than food poisoning little could stop you from a raucous roll in the hay at the end of the night.
• Now – One or both of you may claim food poisoning just to get out of doing the deed.

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