Many women’s magazines have a “Mom” version of a “How To Have Better Sex,” most of which make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion. “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot, and Your Sex Life in Flames.” “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.” “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.” (Oh, I like that last one)
Seriously, I’d like to disband the sex myths propagated by magazines, and have a little straight talk here? Be warned though, the side effect of discussing such truths could be a shockingly unsatisfying revelation that your unsatisfying sex life is just that… unsatisfying.
Let me break it to you (in case you haven’t figured it out already), sex after kids is often not so hot, or often for that matter. That said, here’s what I think about the most common tips given to moms about sex.
1. Tip From a Writer Who Clearly Has No Children: Don’t forget to “Set the Mood,” you know, candles, aromatic massage oils, and sexy lingerie.
Brutal Honesty Response: Are we still taking time to set the mood? I mean, isn’t that what got us here in the first place?
Listen, if there’s no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, I say you’re as sexy as you need to get.
Work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance. Better yet, utilize the TV as a source of beautiful ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up The Voice. It’s called multi-tasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.
As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ leftover Doritos corners embedded in my thigh. Wait, when I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper, does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.
2. Tip From a Writer Whose Kids are Not Involved in 500 Activities: Have a date night at least once a week.
Reality Check Response: I love this one, because in theory it’s a legitimately good idea. It’s definitely worth trying every week, but unfortunately, it assumes that there will be a night each week when no one is sick or has an event, that there’s a babysitter or grandparent available, and neither of you are too tired or worn out to go to dinner. — A meal where much of your conversation will inevitably revolve around the kids.
3. Tip From a Writer With More Than 24hrs in Her Day: (My personal favorite.) Don’t forget the foreplay.
Multitasking Mom Response: Really? Really? As it is, I have to have sex while catching up on my Tivo, reading US Weekly, having a healthy protein snack, and repeating the words, “lettuce, milk, eggs” over and over until I can get to a pen. Now, I have to add something else to my repertoire?
Look writers, we forgot the foreplay a long time ago. Well, my husband didn’t, he calls it brushing his teeth, which I am beyond thankful for.
4. Tip From a Writer with No Sense of Reality: Time your trysts around nap-time.
Realistic and Yes, Snarky Response: Everyone knows that there’s nothing women like more (when trying to have an orgasm,) than the sense of pressure and urgency time constraints put on the experience.
5. Tip that Makes me Say, “Are You Out of Your Cotton Pickin’ Mind?”: (That’s right I said cotton pickin’ and I meant it!) Start Your Day With a Bang. Set your alarm an hour earlier and have an uninterrupted top-o-the-morning.
Bitchy Uncensored Response: First of all, what ambitious sexperts think an entire hour is necessary? Nine minutes would do the trick and still, I’m not down with that idea. Do you know what I like to do before I wake up in the morning? SLEEP! Yep, I’m not even willing to bang that snooze button one less time!
Mommas, do yourselves a favor, throw out those, “spice it up” pieces and top 10 lists. Don’t be too concerned about the quantity of the sex you’re having as long as your having some. We all gotta do what works for us.
I recall a friend asking, “Do you ever wake up to your husband having sex with you?” I remember thinking, “No, in my house, we call that rape.”
Now, I’m thinking, “Hey, whatever works,” Well, If you can have a roll in the hay while hitting the hay, consider yourself a professional multitasker.
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I am cracking up at this! The last bit is the best. “No, in my house, we call that rape.” Hysterical! You are too funny. Love it! Love reading your posts. : )
I laughed so hard at this! Love the last paragraph. You are too good girl!
Fantastic!! I especially love the last quote…just struck me very funny…to the point of tears!! Xoxo
Well, I guess rape it is…what it was maybe, who remembers. Great laughed out loud like always. I was asked by many a co-worker, how does she come up with this stuff? Well?
OMG!! U tell it like it is, girl!! Loved this article!!;)
I am a frequent reader of those articles….usually just for the laughs. We have had exactly 4 date nights in the 10 years we have been married and I am including the year before we had kids just for good measure. I especially find funny the ones that say to get in the mood by sending each other dirty texts…clearly their kids cannot read and NEVER accidentally pick up their phone.
Jenny- once again you are right on the money. I was trying to stiffle my laughter as I read this at my son’s karate practice while sitting next to my husband. I think this should be a featured article in Good Housekeeping and some men’s magaizines! Thanks for telling the truth in such a funny way.
Just remember these are supposed to be your fun years. Slepp is both reastorative and fun, ahhh, the dreams of Chriatian, oops i digress, Anyway, the kids eventually grow up and start going out on their own if you can believe it.Tthen you and your husband are staring at each other with so so much time on your hands… you can make up for any missed interludes then,
THREE minutes!! That’s all you need. Also, who’s waking up EARLY for THREE minutes? Also, I’ve singed the sheets, but that was from trying to eat fondue in bed.
I had ten minutes in my house today without anyone from my family home and I spent it reading and laughing at this post. Brilliant Jenny!! I almost thought it said work your dimmer switch and vodka, but the word was voila. I have glasses, but they aren’t cute so I don’t like wearing them.
Great post, love the reality. Hubby and I have managed thus far to retain our ‘heat’ without these kind of tips lists. Managing to stay awake in the evening before we get to the bedroom is our only problem but I don’t think we’d consider the “while the kids are napping” advice to get it on during the day. We’re at work as a rule during the day, I’m not sure our customers would like it much.
Look writers, we forgot the foreplay a long time ago. Well, my husband didn’t, he calls it brushing his teeth, which I am beyond thankful for.
hahaha so does mine and so am I!
…Or it used to be this way. Now I’m so old my kids are almost grown up allowing us to run away to the cabin by our lonesome pretending we’re teenagers again.
One of my favourites in Cosmo was – Turn off the television.
Geeee.. that’s an idea. Never thought of that one! No wonder I never get laid!!!
People please, if I’m finally getting some action you can be certain I am not wasting any of that precious time looking for the remote.
Poignant, even for those of us without kids. But you remind me why I’m thrilled to be child- and man-less. The snooze button is my favorite tactile experience of the day.
i just want to say F$#*$#@*%$#CK that on waking up an hour earlier. Unless my house is on fire the dog is puking in MY bed or my car is getting repo’d I’m not getting up earlier for NOBODY
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Hilarious. It is more challenging post-kids. I think all those pediatricians and sexperts need to coordinate, though, because the pedis say you shouldn’t use the TV to babysit your kids and the sexperts say you need a date night. Hey, if I didn’t plant my little ones in front of the TV with a video, there was no date night. I think they’re okay.
I read this post at Starbucks while waiting for a friend. Big mistake!!! I was laughing like a hyena on crack! Of course I got the stares! Amazing post!!! 🙂
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Awesome. If I had enough time for proper foreplay, I would spend it sleeping. Or taking a shower. Or doing any of the gazillion other things that I actually NEED to do. And yet … oh, I would really LOOOOOOOOOOVE to have the time/energy for foreplay. Maybe we should look at this list less as impossible and more as aspirational? You know, like a bucket list. “Setting the mood” seems about as achievable right now as skydiving or attaining nirvana.
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I recall a friend asking, “Do you ever wake up to your husband having sex with you?” I remember thinking, “No, in my house, we call that rape.”
Now, I’m thinking, “Hey, whatever works,” Well, If you can have a roll in the hay while hitting the hay, consider yourself a professional multitasker.
Hahahahaaa. I frickin’ love it.
Glad you enjoyed!
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Foreplay in our house is me walking in the door after dropping off the 1/2 day Kindergartener, stripping and yelling at my husband in his at-home office, “we’ve got 45 minutes until I have to pick anyone up, get naked and meet me in the bedroom!”