How to Steam Up Your Sex Life, Steam Out Your Pores, and Steam Clean Your Carpets

iStock_000001338513XSmallEvery women’s magazine has its version of a “How To Have (insert saucy adjective here)” sex list, most of which make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion.  “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot, and Your Sex Life in Flames.”  “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.”  “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.”  (Oh, I like that last one)

I will actually disband the relationship myths propagated by magazines, and give it to you straight. The side effect of such truth could be the shockingly unsatisfying revelation that your unsatisfying sex life is just that… unsatisfying.  If you are faint of heart or an optimist, stop reading now.

When you have babies, sex is often not so hot… or often for that matter.

Tip From a Writer with No Sense of Reality:  Time your trysts around nap time. Snarky Response: There is nothing women like more, when trying to have an orgasm, than the sense of pressure and urgency that having time constraints puts on the experience.  Nighttime is better, IF you can work in a romp around heavy eyelids.  Little babies make for long days restless nights and disinterest

Do realize that once the kids are out of the crib, the question isn’t if we get caught, but rather when? You’re just counting the days, I mean lays, until you must explain why Daddy is wrestling with Mommy… naked. “Well you see, Mommy tripped and her clothes fell off, and Daddy was trying to help her up.  Oh, and he took off his clothes so she wouldn’t be embarrassed.”  So, please have a better story than that.

Tip From a Writer Who Clearly Has No Children: “Set the mood.” You know candles, aromatic massage oils, and sexy lingerie.  Brutal Honesty Response: If there is no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance.  Better yet, realize the TV is a beautiful source of ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up Grays Anatomy. It’s called multi-tasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.

As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ left over Dorito corners embedded in my thigh.  The sexy part is when I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper.  Does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.

Tip From a Writer Whose Kids are Not Involved in 500 Activities: A date night once a week. Reality Check Response: I like this one, because in theory it is legitimately a good idea.  It’s definitely worth trying every week, but unfortunately, it assumes that there will be a night each week when no one is sick or has an event, that there is a babysitter available, and neither of you are too tired or worn out to go to dinner  –A meal in which most your conversation will revolve around the kids.

Tip From a Writer With More Than 24hrs in Her Day: (My personal fave.) Don’t forget the foreplay. Multitasking Mom Response: Really?  As it is, I have to have sex while catching up on my Tivo, reading US Weekly, having a healthy protein snack, and repeating the words, “lettuce, milk, eggs” over and over until I can get to a pen.  Now I have to add something else to my repertoire?  We forgot foreplay a long time ago. Well, my husband didn’t, he calls it brushing his teeth… which I am thankful for.

Tip that Makes me Say, “Are You Out of Your Cotton Pickin’ Mind?” –That’s right I said cotton pickin’ and I meant it!  Start Your Day With a Bang So, you’ve had a long day and the odds that you’re going to be up for a raucous romp, or even a guilt induced one, are slim.  Set your alarm an hour earlier and have an uninterrupted top-o-the-morning.  Bitchy Unsensored Response: First of all, what ambitious magazine writers think an hour is necessary?   Six minutes would do the trick and still, I’m not down with that idea. Do you know what I like to do before I wake up in the morning?   SLEEP!

Do yourself a favor, throw out those, “spice it up” manuals and top 10 lists.  Don’t be too concerned about the quantity of the sex you’re having.  You have to figure out what works for you. I recall a friend asking, “Do you ever wake up to your husband having sex with you?”  I remember thinking, “No, in my house, we call that rape.”  Now I’m thinking, “Hey, whatever works.”  If you can have a roll in the hay while hitting the hay, consider yourself a professional multi-tasker.

Question of the Day: What’s the best “Spice up Your Sex Life” tactic you’ve learned since you had children?  Please Comment and leave your twitter handle (I’ll be sure to follow:))

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13 thoughts on “How to Steam Up Your Sex Life, Steam Out Your Pores, and Steam Clean Your Carpets

  1. Tiffany

    OMG the ambiance from the TV light is SO right. My tip for toddlers – buy those child proof door handle things. It gives us at least two minutes to get clothes on. My husband works nights so getting any time together is a challenge. It also annoys me that my non-mom friends are using the “date night” thing like they HAVE to set aside time. It makes me want to slap them. Hard.

  2. Bari

    This is the classic housewife, mommy lament…too much kidtime, not enough sexy time. I say put water on to boil, kids in front of TV and jump in the sack. That should give you a great 3 minutes of “parents play time”. That way you still get a great night sleep. Otherwise, read the Kama Sutra. Try an origional position each day or week as needed. Each new position only takes a few short minutes to get into. Unfortunately, I’ve found they each take several hours go get out of. P.S. Not to be practiced when grand children sleep over!

  3. cherie

    Loved it. Better get the sex in now, because when you get older it gets less and less and how much less can it get…

  4. PezSays

    Woman, you crack me up! Thank you for the chuckle and chortle in the middle of the day. I recently spent all this money at a naughty party, wtih good intentions, and it’s still getting used less than the dimmer switch. ACK!

  5. rachy

    jenny, all so true, so true.

    regarding the suggestion of getting up early: don’t know about you, but our kids were often up an hour before the alarm! that won’t work!

    simply put, its either sleep or sex. often the best time was the middle of the night….must have been something in a dream, but the next thing i know, we’re in the middle of things…..well, if you sleep through half of it, maybe that’s the best of both worlds (i.e. sleep and sex).

    now that we’re almost empty nesters, the nature inclinations dull. you see, now that there are more opportunities, the interest and desire to take advantage of the time slots is dimished. (one of my friends going through the change now has no interest and feels likes she’s become genderless.) but, every once in a while at night in bed, we remember something: oh, yes, that’s right, we could have sex!

  6. Carol Tice

    Hi Jenny —

    Thanks for making a truly ghastly week here bearable with your reliably hilarious writing. Keep up the great work telling it like it is for married folks —


  7. Sierra

    Choking here. Coffee that I was drinking (Stone cold, from this morning) shot out my nose somewhere around the second tip. I need to clean my screen off and am typing thru dribbles.
    I love this post and can agree with each of your thoughtfully worded response.
    Rock on sister!

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Sierra! Thanks I love that I made you choke. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
      PEZ- hehehehe!
      Carol- glad I could be of service.
      Rachy- ugggh, what a sad realization!
      Kristin- Glad we connected as well!

  8. Sheila

    This is so spot on! I shared it with my girlfriends and to a girl, we’ve all had at least one of the above thoughts, feelings or scenarios! The only thing missing is the need for total darkness to hide the spare tires left over from the little culprits!

  9. Helene

    Amen!!!! Just once, I’d love to see a realistic article in those magazines about this topic! None of those suggestions honestly would work for me and my hubby…in fact, somehow 3 out of 4 kids end up in bed with us by 11:00 am so even late-night sex is out of the question.

    That last one cracked me up….I’ve been guilty of that myself. If my husband tries to initiate sex before the kids climb in bed with us, I’m all, “Well, I’m tired….I’m going to sleep but if you can figure out a way to make yourself happy without waking me up, more power to you”.

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